


We won't give up on you

by Iliketowrite_2



Series: We won't give up on you [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abuse, Anti-Depressants, Anti-anxiety medication, Anxiety, Best Friends, Eating Disorder, Fluff, Hospitals, Mental Breakdown, Overdose, Protective!Cast, Rape/Non-con Elements, Reader/supernatural cast (friendship), SPN cast X reader, Self-Harm, Suicidal Reader, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, depressed reader, hurt!reader, panic-attacks, self hatred, trigger warning, unprotected sex (rape), we won't give up on you series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 14:27:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 54,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9611423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iliketowrite_2/pseuds/Iliketowrite_2
Summary: You are a member of the supernatural cast and have been for two years. You're a young teen (16) who has everything ahead of her. Or so everyone thought. Life had always been hard but had gotten easier. Until now. Behind closed doors was an abusive family, troubled thoughts, and a stranger. All three of which will change your life forever. Can the family of the supernatural cast help you through your troubles? Or are you too far gone?





	1. A Hard Lesson

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm fairly new to writing but am very passionate. This will be a multiple chapter series. I will have warning and triggers at the beginning of every chapter. I will also have a chapter summary. Thank you for reading! Love you all. I'd love your feedback and requests!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today you film with the boys but at the end of the day, have no reason to not go home, where your parents are waiting to teach you a lesson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: TRIGGERING!!! Contains Abuse from parents, self hate, self harm and suicidal thoughts. Please don't read this series if this will trigger you.

Ever since your first day on set, the cast has always been protective of you, you only being 14 when you started. Everyone on set adopted you into the beautiful supernatural family; and ever their own. You were a very quiet kid, and for the first few weeks of filming, you had an inability to talk to anyone on set. That didn't seem to bother the cast, seeing that they did anything to make you feel as comfortable and at home as possible. As time went on, as it tends to do, you grew fond of everyone there and you all quickly became best friends. Now, 2 years later, you're all closer than you've ever been. Jared, Jensen, and Misha had the closest bonds with you, due to the fact that most time spent on set throughout your 2 years, was with them. You all trust each other immensely and you tell each other everything. Well, almost everything. 

What the boys didn't know about, was your abusive family and your mental health issues. Yeah, they knew a few pieces here and there, but they never knew the whole story. You'll never tell them that story. Working on set is amazing and life actually seems to feel bearable for a small amount of time. But all good things come to an end, right? You -still being a minor- eventually have to go to the apartment that was rented under your name, where your abusive mother and father wait all day for you to get home to teach you a lesson. Some days you would just stay on set, in your trailer to avoid them. But people are quick to raise suspicions about why you won't go to your apartment that's only 20 minutes away. 

Today was one of those days. 

\---------------------Filming----------------------

You were shooting a scene where Sam, Dean, and Castiel had found out that you went on a hunt alone, causing your character, Haven, to get hurt. 

"ACTION!" The director yelled, and everyone got into character.  
"What the hell were you thinking Haven?! You could've gotten yourself killed!" Dean bellowed.  
"Do I look dead to you Dean?!" You exclaimed, turning your back towards him and picking up your duffel from the ground and quickly heading down the stairs. Sam, Dean, and Cass all followed behind you, along with the cameras.  
"You're so stupid Haven! What the hell is wrong with you?! Are you on a suicide mission or something, 'cause it sure as hell looks like it!" Dean's voice continued to get louder. How the hell did Jensen do that? You know the boys would never touch you, or hurt you. Not even in filming, but you couldn't help but feel scared about being yelled at like this, which in your real life, is soon followed with a lot of pain.  
Your character stopped in the war room placing her duffel on the long beautiful wooden table.  
"Dean!" Sam quipped, trying to grab his shoulder, but he just shrugged it off.  
"No, Sammy. She's not going to do this again. She needs to be taught a lesson!" Dean ranted, looking him directly in the eye. The words 'taught a lesson' lingered in your mind a little longer than they should've. You knew what was coming up soon. He had to grab you, and you weren't allowed to be scared. Because Haven was never scared to kick Dean's ass. But you on the other hand, were terrified.  
"I assure you, Haven has learnt her lesson, Dean." Castiel offered matter-of-factly.  
"You know what?! This is complete bullsh-!" he grabbed your shoulder and attempted to twist you around whilst saying his lines. Your mind flooded with painful memories and before he could finish his line you let out a ear piercing scream and dropped to the floor, shaking, covering your face with your hands and trying not to sob more than you already were. Jared, Jensen, and Misha immediately broke character and came to your aid, trying to talk and calm you down. 

"CUT!" The director yelled. "Take 10." An assistant yelled bluntly whilst walking off by the side of the director. 

"Hey, hey, hey, what's wrong?" Jensen voiced, concerned. All of their eyebrows were furrowed and their eyes were soft, instantly calming you.  
"Nothing," you breathed. "Sorry, I'm kinda on edge. Didn't sleep well last night. I must've forgotten that you had to grab me. Sorry guys." You tried to compose yourself the best you could as to make them believe your lie.  
"Are you sure?" Misha inquired, they were all still eyeing you hastily whilst helping you sit up from your fetal position on the floor.  
"Yeah." You said, giving them a closed lipped smile.  
"Alright. If you ever want to talk though, you know we're here right?" Jared added.  
"Yes, I know, and, I'm serious. I'm fine." You said, trying not to grimace at your own lie. You hated lying to the boys, but you had no choice. They shouldn't have to deal with your problems. "Now, c'mon, help a girl up would ya? We gotta finish this scene!" You said with mock enthusiasm. Their eyes lightened up as the chuckled and helped you from the floor. 

This was going to be a long day. 

\---------------end filming----------------

You had just finished filming the scene with the boys, and you were exhausted; but you were also proud. Proud of the scene you actually got finished before the day ended, giving you the option to leave early, but the fear settled in when you realised what that meant. You had no reason for why you couldn't go back to the house you've rented. You couldn't go back there. Not today. You hadn't been there in over a week and your parents had started sending you threatening texts about how when you get home, you're going to 'get it'. Packing up your things from set and walking to your trailer, you ran into the boys again, who had headed out to grab a coffee. 

"Hey Y/N! Great scene today!" Jared exclaimed, pulling you into his tight embrace. You gladly hugged him back.  
"Me? What're you talking about, it was all you guys." You said sincerely. It was true. You were a terrible actor. You were just a worthless piece of shit. You didn't deserve them. You weren't good enough. Your parents were right. They're always right. You don't even deserve-  
"Y/N?" Jensen stated gently, snapping you out of your thoughts.  
"Huh?" You said dumbly, not understanding the slightly serious look they were all giving you.  
"I said, why are you heading to your trailer, you can go home tonight instead. Since we finished early." He said enthusiastically, causing the others to relax and wiping the seriousness out of their tones.  
"Yeah, you really deserve some rest." Misha added. 

Shit! What are you gonna say? You can't go home. Not with the texts you've been getting. You were too scared of what would happen to you. Your parents had -on multiple occasions- injured you so badly that you ended up needing surgery or stitches. They simply lied about it to the doctors who didn't even bother to question them. Now, with you ignoring them (or at least trying to) you can't imagine what you had in store. 

"Oh, uh, I can't go. I lost my keys and I don't think my parents are home." You said simply, trying to give off a relaxed tone, despite the feeling of needing to throw up.  
"Why didn't you say so? Don't you remember you gave us all spare keys to your place? Just borrow one of ours until you get a new one." Jared said. What the hell Y/N! Nice work. Now you have to go home. You couldn't keep giving excuses, they'd get worried, which was the last thing you wanted from your best friends. Besides, you don't deserve to be worried about.  
"Oh, thanks... Guys." You were trying to hide the sadness lingering in your voice. It seemed to have worked because none of them thought twice about the way you had said it. Jared pull out a key chain with a few keys attached. He pulled off the key to your place and handed it to you. You took it and smiled great fully and thanked them all.  
"We gotta go Y/N, we have filming early tomorrow and we don't want to keep you from getting home any later than we have to." Misha chuckled.  
"Alright guys, I Love you." You pulled them all into a giant group hug, you being like the size of a puppy between their tall, muscular bodies. Your face was buried into the side Misha's and Jared's arm, so no one could see the look of fear and dread on your face. 

You all pulled away and waved to each other as you headed in opposite directions. You called a cab to meet you outside a service station not 5 minutes from where the set was. 

Jumping out of the cab, you handed the driver a $50 note and told him to keep the change, mostly because you didn't want him to see how much your hands were shaking. You hopped out of the car and headed towards the front door. It was currently 11:37pm and you were hoping that your parents would be asleep, or at least one of them. But of course, being you, you had no luck, and as soon as you walked through the door, all hell broke loose. 

Both of your parents were up, seemingly waiting for you. Shit. As soon as the door closed your father flung from his chair and marched aggressively towards you as you started to become submissive. No words were shared before he swung his fist and it collided with the left side of your cheek. You crumpled to the floor, shielding your face as you spat up blood. 

"Where the fuck have you been for the past week Y/N?!" He screamed as he pulled you to a kneeling position by your hair. You whimpered helplessly and your lip started to quiver. Your mother quickly ran in from what you assumed was the kitchen and as soon as she saw you, she slapped you hard across the cheek your father had just punched, irritating it more.  
"You think she needs a lesson, honey?" Your father said angrily, not once taking his glare off of you.  
"No, no, please, please no daddy..." You whimpered.  
"The slut speaks." Your mother coldly announced. "Teach her what she gets for not listening to us." And with that, she walked off, living your father to do the dirty work. Although he didn't seem to mind due to the evil grin that spread across his face.  
"We're gonna have some fun, girlie." Before you could beg, your head was pushed down aggressively with his hand and smashed into the hard tile floor. You could feel the blood now pouring from your nose. Your father grabbed you and dragged you to the living room by your hair. You let out a scream as a large amount of hair was ripped from your skull. He got on top of you and started punching you as hard as he could. One, two, three, four, five, six. You stopped counting but he didn't stop hitting. Your entire face was aching. After what felt like forever, he stopped punching and you weren't relieved, but you sure as hell felt better that it was over. But it wasn't. He grabbed a beer bottle from the side of the couch and smashed it on your forehead, leaving a large gash the length of your pinky finger from your eyebrow to your scalp. He picked up one of the pieces of glass and jabbed it into the side of your arm over and over, causing large wounds to form and blood to drip from them you began to feel dizzy from blood loss and so you stopped struggling and took it. You couldn't help the sobs that wracked your body as he stood up and kicked you in the ribs. Then on your legs. Then on your shoulder, stomach, hip. You curlicues in on yourself crying loudly and gasping for air. You couldn't breathe. It hurt so much. I just want it to be over...just please, please, please be over your head screamed. You didn't even have a chance to process that you were just thrown across the room before everything faded to black. 

You woke up on the cold, hard floor of the kitchen. You whimpered as you tried to move, feeling your ribs grind as you twisted. You could tell they were broken. That was one of the worst beatings you've ever gotten from your father, and you assumed he hadn't stopped for a while, even when you passed out. You slowly got up and pulled yourself up the stairs towards your bedroom, on the way, seeing your dad passed out drunk on the couch and your mother flopped next to him. As soon as you got into your room, you shut the door and broke into harsh sobs. They weren't even cute little sobs. They were full blown howling sobs, which you'd been holding in for so long. 

Why did you have this life? What the fuck is wrong with you?! Maybe if you weren't such a screw up, they'd love you. You're nothing. You aren't worth anything. You don't deserve anything. You should just kill yourself, just end it all. No one would miss you. You're a worthless piece of shit who doesn't and will never do anything right. As much as you hated being beaten, what hurt a lot more, was that you believed that you deserved every second of torture that you were put through. And if your parents had to do it to you, you obviously aren't doing it to yourself enough. 

Once your sobs had died into small hiccups and gasps for breath, you crawl over to your dresser and search for the answer to your problem right now. Your razor. You had been self harming since you were nine and got bullied at school and started getting abused at home. Pulling the draw open, you look up only to catch yourself in the mirror. You were covered in blood and dark back and purple bruises, some having a disgusting tinge of green at the side. You couldn't help but let out a breath as you stared at yourself. You grabbed the razor, not being able to stand the voices in your mind any longer and you quickly sliced at your arms and legs. Over 100 cuts later you dropped the razor and watched the blood collect on the floor. Your eyes grew wide as you remember that you had filming -wait what time was it? You looked over to your alarm clock and it read, 3:49am. Filming! You had a scene today! What the fuck are you gonna do? You can't call in sick because even on your sickest days, you dragged your ass to work and they had to force you to even go to your trailer. 

Maybe you could come clean? Tell the boys? Maybe they could help you... No. You weren't going. You'd leave the house, walk to set and stay in your trailer for a few days until you looked better. You were so sick of making excuses for your parents, but you were to afraid of the consequences that would happen if you asked for help. So you didn't. And this doesn't change anything. You packed a bag putting in your razors, anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication, phone, and a few long sleeved shirts and pants. You walked slowly down stairs, unable to take your mind off of your protesting ribs as they scream in pain from the movement. But you can't stay here, so you keep going. You walk out the front door and start to slowly drag yourself to set. This was going to be a long night.


	2. Conventions, Concerns, and Kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You arrive on set after a hard night and the boys are quick to realise somethings wrong. After finding out some good news, you take care of some beautiful kids. When you end up falling asleep on the couch, someone finds beaten and cut skin. What do they decide to do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for coming back! This ones a little longer than the previous chapter. Sorry! This has some self hate thoughts and descriptions of bruises and cuts from parental abuse. Please don't read if this will hurt you. Love you all! Xx

 

 

You've been walking for what feels like hours. Your ribs are screaming at you and your whole body is starting to ache. You think back to what's happened today, and your lip starts to quiver. Why did this have to happen? What did you do that was so wrong? Do I deserve this? Thoughts ran through your mind until in the distance, you see the entrance to the set. Heading to the gate, you're stopped by security, stating that you weren't allowed to be here. You pulled out your ID and started to speak and the security guard immediately starts apologising for not realising who you were. You brush it off and tell him it's fine as you walk through the gate. 

You're walking towards your trailer and the tears start to come back. You try to stay as quiet as possible, knowing that you're no longer alone and there are people around. You're thanking Chuck that it's still to dark for anyone to see the state that you're currently in. As you continue walking to your trailer, you see two silhouettes walking towards you. Who are they? Is it your parents with a friend? Are they back for you? How did they know where you were? You consider turning and running, but the condition you are currently in begs to differ. But your anxieties melt away as you hear a comforting, familiar voice. 

"Y/N?" Jared. "When did you get here? I thought you went home?"  
"Oh, I *sniffle* I- uh, I just got here. I thought I'd watch you guys today. Plus we have a meeting later on anyways." You curse yourself for the unsteadiness of your voice as they continued to approach, until they stopped in front of you. Jared walks a little closer than the others, attempting to pull you into an embrace. You flinch and stumble back. You can't see his reaction, but you're glad you couldn't, you already knew he probably looked hurt and confused with his brow furrowed in concern.  
"You okay Y/N?" Jared voiced, obviously confused as to why you flinched at his attempt to hug you; you're usually the one who runs to hug anyone with open arms.  
"Yeah, I'm good, I was just gonna get changed into something more comfortable." Your voice wavered again and you could tell that they didn't quite believe you. But you couldn't bring yourself to care. 

No one else talks and you're desperate to get away and cover up all of your cuts and bruises. "Hey, do you know what time it is?" You asked meekly.  
"Uhh, lemme check," Jensen says, pulling up the end of his -sorry- Dean's leather jacket, checking his watch.  
"It's 5:23." He stated simply. You knew that they have to be at hair and makeup in under 10 minutes and you silently praise whoever decided to make the schedule today.  
"You guys should go, I know you all have really strict schedules for hair and makeup. They're probably looking for you." You shuffle on your feet looking down, trying to hide your face even more. You know you look like you've been to war, and they shouldn't have to be forced to be concerned about you.  
"Yeah, okay. See you soon Y/N.." Jensen voiced as he walked past you and headed towards hair and makeup. Jared was a bit more sceptical.  
"Y/N... I don't know what's going on but-" his concerns were starting to annoy you. Not because you didn't appreciate his concern, but because you wanted to get away as soon as you possibly could. You interrupted his rambling.  
"Jared. Everything is fine. I'm fine. I need to go okay?" You tried to sound as nice as possible but you were sure he could hear the hint of a lie in your voice. If he did, he didn't push any further.  
"Oh, okay. I'll see you later Y/N.." And with that, he walked around you and walked after Jensen. Phew. You could finally head to your trailer and cover up the mess that your father had created of you. 

\------------------------------

Jared's P.O.V:

I quickly caught up to Jensen and we both entered the hair and makeup trailer. We were all concerned about Y/N. We knew something was wrong but she refused any hint of help we offered. She wasn't one to talk about her feeling. She always wanted to be known as strong and independent. I know she trusts us; but not enough to trust us with what was obviously bothering her. We knew parts here and there about her mental health. Her depression and anxiety. She always refused to show how she really felt and it worried us. We don't know how extreme her depression or anxiety are, but she refused to show anything but a happy, carefree girl. My thoughts were interrupted by Jensen's voice. 

"You okay, Jay?" Yes. I'm okay. But thinking, no, knowing that you're not okay, made me uneasy.  
"I'm just worried." I said in a gentle, hushed tone. Jensen seemed to pick up on what I was talking about immediately.  
"This is about Y/N, isn't it?" He looked at me sympathetically.  
"Yeah. I can't help but think she's hiding something from us. It scares me to think about what she might be hiding." As soon as I finished my sentence, Misha walked in. Sensing that the situation was serious due to the looks on our faces, he kept his tone the same.  
"You okay guys?" He voiced, concerned about what was making his friends so worried.  
"We're just talking about Y/N." I stated, and his hint of a previous smile faltered.  
"I'm worried about her." Misha said. "I feel as if she's not telling us something."  
"That's what we were just saying" Jensen added.  
"Did you see how she stumbled when I tried to hug her this morning?" I said sadly. She was always huggy. Always wanted to hug everyone on set 24/7. Not to mention how much she loved physical contact with myself, Jensen, and Misha.  
"No? What happened?" Jensen said, his tone growing more concerned by the second.  
"I tried to hug her this morning and she flinched and stumbled away from me." It was hard to remember that moment. I didn't want to think about why you wouldn't want a hug. From one of us, too. 

We continued to talk about Y/N until our makeup and hair were finished and we were called to set. 

 

\------------------------------------------------

Your P.O.V:

Once I finished my makeup and changed into something better to cover my bruises and cuts, I headed to where Jensen, Jared, and Misha would be filming, until I realised it was currently 11:47. I had spent hours trying to cover up what my parents had done to me. I headed to where I knew the boys would be having lunch. Whilst I was getting ready, I had planned on going to the doctors about my ribs, but not until the bruises and cuts faded a lot more, which would probably be in a few days. 

Getting closer to the table you knew the boys would be, you saw them sitting together, talking. You plastered on a smile and walked up to them. They greeted you with smiles and 'hello's' as you sat down next to Misha, with Jared and Jensen on the other side, facing you. You became slightly sad when you noticed that no one tried to hug you or touch you. At that moment, you just wanted someone you loved to engulf you in a hug and tell you they'd help you and that everything would be okay. But it never happened. You all talked together about how filming went and you all told jokes, laughed, and played for the entire lunch break until you were all called into a meeting. Standing from the wooden table and chairs, you'd forgotten about your cracked ribs and stood without caution, making pain plunge around your entire rib area. You yelled in pain and quickly sat back down onto the wooden seat as a tear of pain slipped from your eye. 

"Woah, you okay?" Misha asked. 'No. No I am not okay.' Is what you thought. You couldn't let them know you weren't okay. If they found out what had happened, your parents would kill you. Literally.  
"Yeah, I'm okay. I think I just pulled a muscle somewhere." You chuckled, trying to lighted the mood. You stood up again, this time a little more carefully and you all started walking towards the board room, where your meeting would be held in less than 10 minutes. 

During the meeting, you were told about a new convention that would be starting in a month! That was the best news you'd heard all day. Going to conventions always made you happy. Partially because you got to run away from your one of your problems for a while. The problem being your parents. You were jumpy for the whole meeting after that news. You were constantly giggling and jumping up and down in your seat, occasionally tapping the people near you out of pure excitement and being met with wide smiles. 

"I can't believe it!" You exclaimed as you all left the meeting room. The boys just chuckled at your excitement. You never spoke much at conventions because of your anxiety, but watching the boys in one of their many elements mesmerised you. Although, you did do photo ops and sign posters.  
"Hey, Y/N, Jared, Misha, Mark, and I were all gonna go to the bar with the Misses to celebrate, you wanna come?" Jensen asked. Bar. Alcohol. Alcoholics. Parents.  
"No!" You exclaimed at the thought of your parents, earning weird looks from the others.  
"Wow, Y/N, tell us how you really feel about hanging out with us." Jared said with mock hurt. Shit! Nice one Y/N. What the hell is wrong with you. There's nothing you can say to make that seem normal. Wait, you could just say your anxiety is bad. You hate talking about your anxiety or depression -your problems in general- but this, this is a must.  
"Sorry guys, I'm just- my anxiety has been really bad today and I don't wanna make it any worse being around all those people. I can't even drink yet anyway." At the mention of your anxiety, the boys have you sad smiles, knowing it was hard for you to talk about. You kind of appreciated the sympathy. It made you feel like they cared. Someone cared.  
"Hey, that's alright Y/N/N." Jared coo'd. "We all need a break sometimes."  
"Oh! Y/N, do you mind watching the kids? I just realised that we can't take them with us. It would just be our kids and marks." Misha pleaded, with big puppy dog eyes. You loved the kids. They made you feel loved. You spend hours on end playing with them when they're on set, or on the weekends. They love you, and you love them.  
"I would love to." You answered simply and sweetly. 

\--------------------a few hours later--------------------

"Y/N/N!" Your voice echoed over and over again from six tiny different voices. The kids.  
"Hey!" You exclaimed whilst kneeling over so you could be coaxed in cuddles. At that moment, you didn't care about your ribs trying to get you to cry out. The kids and their love were your own personal morphine, to numb you from all pain.  
"Okay, so we should be home in a few hours. They've all had dinner and a snack.Thanks so much for doing this Y/N. It means a lot." Jensen voiced. The guys and yourself decided to set up and keep the kids at Jensen's place, not wanting to move Arrow and Zeppelin around too much.  
"Nah, I love hanging with them. We're gonna have some fun tonight right?" You announce to the kids who are still suffocating you in a hug circle.  
"Yeah!" They all say in unison. The joy in their voice makes you feel like the luckiest person in the world.  
"So, what are the bedtimes?" You asked the adults as they smile at you low-Key suffocating from love. You begin to get protests and whines from the kids at the mention of 'bed time'. "Sorry guys, it's up to the mummies and daddies." You giggled.  
"How about 7:30 for the smallest and 8:30 for the bigger kids huh?" Daneel says. You smiled and nodded your head at her as if to say you understood. The kids all whined when they heard their bedtimes.  
"How about I let you stay up a little later, they don't have to know." You say in a loud whisper, not even trying to hide it from the adults, which makes them laugh. With your words, the kids giggled and ran off towards the living room. You stood up slowly from your kneeling position on the ground and looked towards the people before you.  
"Alright then. You guys go have fun. Don't get too drunk." You said in a kind sarcastic tone.  
"We'll try. Hey, if you need anything, just call one of our cells. We'll make sure to leave them on." Mark says. Gen quickly jumps in with something to say.  
"The babies things are in their room. They're asleep right now, so is Isabella I think."  
"Okay, thanks. I'll see you guys soon."  
"Okay, see ya Y/N." Jared said  
"Bye." You replied, they all gave you goodbyes as they walked out the front door heading for the bar. You closed and locked the door and headed into the lounge room, where you found all of the kids playing together.  
"Okay!" You yelled, trying to put on a mean tone. They all looked up at you with slight confusion and fear in their eyes. "You know what we are going to do right now?" You asked, still trying to look as serious as possible. They all frowned and shook their heads. You stifled a giggle as you continued. "We are going to....watch frozen, have a dance party and eat pizza!" You yelled gleefully. Their eyes all lighted up at those words and you were attacked with cuddles once again. 

Halfway through the movie, after all of the pizza, you paused it, telling all of the kids to go and brush their teeth and put their PJ's on. They all ran off as quickly as possible to go and clean their teeth and change so they could finish the movie and have a dance party. You only wanted to have a dance party after the movie to tire them out. It usually worked, too. As they left the room, you signed and slouched back on the couch. Having 9 kids to care for was crazy! Your phone and just as you picked it up to read the message, You heard the babies crying from their room. You quickly got up and headed towards them. Excited that they were up so you could all play and snuggle. 

As soon as you walked in you saw all three of them up and balling their eyes out. You walked over to Arrow and Zeppelin, who were sharing a crib, and as soon as you rocked them both with one hand each, they looked up at you and squealed in joy. They grabbed at your hands and kicked their feet, showing that they were happy.  
"Hey baby," you coo'd. Wow you sounded stupid. But you loved it.  
"How are my babies? Are you good? Are you goooood?!" You tickled them both on the emphasis of good and they giggled contagiously, causing you to giggle as well. By this time, Isabella had stopped crying but was waiting for you to go and get her. You let go of the twins and went over to her, who made a cute noise as you bent to pick her up. Your ribs cracked from you bending and you let out a small scream which turned into a low grunt. You squinted your eyes and continued to bend and pick her up, placing her on the side of your hip. You had two cribs in the lounge room and a play pen so you decided to take Isabella there first and put her in. The kids were back, waiting for you. You pressed play on the movie and went back for Arrow and Zeppelin. You picked the, up, one in each arm and headed back to watch the rest of frozen with the others. Every song that came on, the kids and you would sing along and you'd laugh as they acted the song out and danced along too. You had Isabella on your lap, Arrow and Zeppelin fast asleep in your arms and the older kids dancing and playing in front of you. This was what family should be like. This is how happy you should feel all the time. You just didn't. 

You soon put the twins to bed, them still being fast asleep and Isabella was next. You'd left the older kids to watch the last five minutes alone so you could put the babies away for a dance party so you didn't wake them up. As soon as you put Isabella down, she sighed in content, not hesitating to grasp the soft teddy bear that was laying next to her and shuffle into a more comfortable position before falling asleep. Arrow and Zeppelin on the other hand, were less then happy. You quickly rocked the bassinet back and forth humming them a lullaby. Once they settled back into a deep sleep a few minutes later, you walked out, quietly shutting the door behind you. You walked towards the lounge room to find the kids up and ready for a dance party. 

You connected your phone to the TV and played happy dance music and Disney. You all danced along, twirling around the living room and jumping with each other. After half an hour of dancing and playing, you put all the little ones to bed, telling them a bedtime story and kissing them goodnight. You shut the door to the kids room and quietly walked to the TV, putting on your favourite movie, giving yourself the opportunity to relax. Although, it wasn't long before you too, drifted off into a dreamless sleep. 

\--------------------Jensen's P.O.V--------------------

We arrived home not too long after ten, only to find all of the kids asleep, including Y/N. All of the adults 'aww'd' at how tired she must've been. She was great with the kids. She loved them and they loved her. She would always comment on how the kids and us (the parents) were like 'real families'. That always confused me. What does she mean by 'real families?'. Jared and Gen grabbed Tom and shel and carried them to their car and headed to their Vancouver home. As did Misha and Victoria, with Maison and West, and Mark and Sarah with Isabella. 

I decided not to wake Y/N up as she looked exhausted. Daneel and I both decided it would be fine if she stayed overnight. My beautiful wife headed to our room to get ready for bed and I headed to where Y/N was sleeping on the couch. I walked over to her and gingerly placed an arm under her back and an arm behind her knees. We had a spare room which she usually stayed in if she was ever over for the night. I carefully lifter her up, trying my best to assure she stays asleep. I stopped moving when I heard her whimper loudly and furrow her brows. Why'd she do that? After a few seconds of her not doing anything else, I started walking, her still in my arms. I was half way to her room when she started to whimper again, this time forming words.  
"No.....no..........please don't........." She whimpered sleepily. She may be asleep but it was 100% clear what she was saying. I became worried as to why she was saying this. I was almost to the room when I feel a strange grinding where my hand over her ribs were. I applied a little pressure to the side of her and she jolted and cried out, but remained asleep. Was she hurt? Why is she saying this? What the hell is wrong? Concerned flooded my mind as I thought of everything that could've happened or what could be hurting her. She continued to whimper and say these words on repeat until I got to her room. As I sat her gently down on the bed, she stirred.  
"Jensen?" Her voice was no more than a whisper.  
"It's okay, Bub, just go back to sleep." I replied. 

I watched as her eyes closed again and her breathing evened out. I was pulling the blankets over her body as I saw her jumper had slipped over her shoulder, revealing a large black and purple bruise and a deep cut filled with dry blood. What?! I slowly moved the sleeve a bit more to get a better look and I was terrified at what I saw. Her entire exposed shoulder was covered in black and purple bruises and deep cuts. There were so many, that it was almost impossible to see any normal skin colour. I held back a choked noise as I put the jumper back over her and pulled up the Doona. Why wouldn't she tell anyone she was hurt? Who hurt her? I need to do something. I need to help her. I need to tell the boys. But not tonight. Tonight I'm going to let her sleep peacefully and talk quickly with the boys on the phone. I tell them everything. I needed to tell them this. If I didn't, I wouldn't sleep. I head upstairs to find my beautiful wife already asleep in bed. I stripped to my boxers and hopped in with her, sending a few quick texts to Jared, Misha, and even Mark. 

We're going to talk to her. We're going to fix this. We're going to help her. But it will all have to wait until tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment if you enjoyed this :)


	3. When the panic sets in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the boys find out about you being hurt, they try to gently confront you. They find out how bad your anxiety really is and why you seem so hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning. This chapter contains a severe panic attack, throwing up, and mentions of parental abuse. Please don't read if it will trigger you, I don't want You getting hurt. <3 thanks so much for coming this far in this series. I love you all. Please comment if you want anything in future chapters or would like a one shot or imagine JUST FOR YOU! Xx

You wake up in a familiar surrounding, though it is not your house, or your trailer. You're at Jensen's. You don't remember much after putting the kids to bed and going back to the lounge, other than the faint memory of stirring awake and seeing myself in a guest room in Jensen's arms. You stretch your back and fling your legs over the bed. There's a long mirror on the wall, giving you a full view of yourself sitting slouched on the edge of the bed. You sighed at your dishevelled hair and pale face. Standing up, you walk close to the mirror and notice that your makeup was -understandably- dramatically faded. You looked terrible. Although you still had smudges of makeup coving your cuts and bruises here and there, but ultimately, they were on show. You dragged your feet across the floor to the dresser, which still had some of your things you leave behind, just in case you do end up staying the night at Jensen's. Which you do every so often. You swiped out a makeup wipe and pulled it down your face, removing the old, clumped makeup and realising, you look like you've been to a war. Your bruises haven't faded and the cuts seem to be getting redder and redder by the second. One even seemed to bleed overnight. You rummaged through your extra makeup in the drawer and pulled out some thick concealer. You dabbed the concealer on with a beauty blender, wincing slightly at the ache of your bruises and sting of your cuts. 

You zipped your jacket up and walked out of the room, heading to the kitchen to help Daneel and Jensen with the kids. Arriving in the kitchen, you're met with 'good mornings' and 'hello's'. You were slightly confused when you got a sympathetic smile from Jensen and Daneel, you brushed it off quickly, though, assuming they were just tired. You helped cook pancakes and bacon for JJ and watched in awe as the two adults coo'd at the babies and cuddled whilst watching me and JJ. An hour and a half later, you and Jensen were heading towards his car and to set. You couldn't ignore the looks of concern and sympathy he kept on giving you. He was really quiet all morning. It was starting to make you slightly uncomfortable as you didn't know what it was about. As soon as you arrived on set, you shot out of the car, thanked Jensen and fast walked to your trailer, claiming you were going to get changed. Which you were. You also needed to go and get your ribs set. You were going to fix your ribs in a week or so from now, but the pain was unbearable. You'd lasted this long in pain, you figured a good story would cover for the bruises and cuts. Once you arrive at your trailer, you pull out your phone and call for a cab. You quickly pulled on a loose tank top, a vetements jacket, and some clean denim jeans, and you were out. 

Jensen's P.O.V

During the drive to set, I couldn't help but glance over at Y/N. There's no doubt in my mind that somethings going on that she's not telling us and all I wanna do, is help her. As soon as we park on set, she shoots out of the passenger side door and says she's going to get changed. Which is understandable. I mean, she had been in those clothes for a while and I can't help but think she would probably be uncomfortable, but something in my mind was telling me that she wasn't only getting changed. But when I heard my name being called to hair and makeup, I had to oblige and get ready for today's scene. 

With my hair and makeup done, I quickly trotted to set, hoping to talk to at least Jared or Misha about what I had found last night. It was scaring the hell out of me. Who did this to her? Who hurt her so badly that she feels like she can't trust her best friends? I was pulled from my thoughts as I saw Jared and Misha chatting with each other. Even from a distance, I could tell by the look on their faces that they were think about what I had texted them last night. I had said: 'Tomorrow, need to talk. It's about Y/N..' and I had left it at that. As Misha and Jared saw me approaching, they rushed towards me and we all met in the middle.  
"What's going on? What's wrong with Y/N?" Jared questioned  
"Is she okay what happened?" Misha added. They knew something was wrong. She'd been acting off for weeks and she was usually the only one who always looked like they were the definition of happy. But lately, with the refusal of talking and physical contact, and what happened last night, I think I know why.  
"I don't think so." I replied. I didn't want to just throw it on them and make them have to deal with it, but I really had no other choice. "Last night Daneel and I decided that we didn't wanna wake her, so we organised her guest room for her and let her stay the night. I picked her up from the couch and started to carry her to the room when she started whining and begging saying 'no, no, please don't' over and over like she was stuck on repeat. She also cried out when I applied a little pressure to her ribs, so I could hold her better." I stated. My worried tone instantly made Jared and Misha worried, because for me to be worried this much, it must be the damn apocalypse.  
"That doesn't really sound right. Do you think she could've just been having a nightmare? And she could feel the contact or something?" Misha asked. It could be possible. But that doesn't explain what I saw next.  
"I'm not sure. It could've been. But that doesn't explain the bruises and cuts." I said. Both of their eyes widened at the mention of bruises and cuts.  
"What are you talking about? What bruises?" Jared cautioned. As soon as I started talking after that, I couldn't stop.  
"I don't know man. I was just putting her on the bed and I was about to pull the cover up when her sleeve fell off her shoulder and there was a bruise and a whole bunch of cuts. I pulled her sleeve down a little further to assure myself I wasn't dreaming and as soon as I pulled it down, her whole arm was black and purple covered in deep cuts and I have no clue what the fuck I'm supposed to do. She literally had none of her normal skin colour anywhere on her. I feel sick just thinking about it. I don't know what happened and I need to know, damn it! She's hurting and refuses to take any help! Even from us! ...I just want to help her. This isn't normal." My tone was full of worry and my words were quick. I'm actually surprised they caught all of it. A chorus of curses could be heard being whispered under their breath.  
"We need to talk to her." Jared stated simply. "I know she won't like it but she can't do this by herself. I don't know if it was a one time thing or if-if it's happened before, but this isn't a one person job. She might need serious help and she's too stubborn to ask for it."  
"Maybe she's not being stubborn." Misha interrupted. Jared and I looked at him in confusion. She wasn't talking. She wasn't asking for help. That was her choice. Right?  
"Maybe she's scared. I'd be pretty scared too if something happened to me that made me end up in that condition. She might be stubborn, but let's not say that's what it 100% is just yet." He was right. She could be scared. Hell I'd be petrified if I was in that condition and felt like I couldn't talk to someone. We're going to help her. That I know.  
"Alright... Uh, why don't we talk to her at lunch. I mean, she's here right?" Jared tried to hide the concern in his voice in order to try and comfort us. But he could tell we were all equally worried.  
"Uh, yeah. I mean, I brought her with me this morning but as soon as I parked, she shot out saying that she was getting changed. I thought she would've been here by now, though." I sighed. This conversation was going to happen. And we would be there for her the whole time. 

Y/N's P.O.V

Arriving back from the doctors, I sighed and headed for lunch with the boys. The nurse had brought my story, no questions asked and set my ribs and told me to go easy for a while. She wanted me to stay there for a few days but when I refused and told her I have a job I need to get to, she told me to take it easy for a few weeks. I did in fact have 3 broken ribs and she had also cleaned the cuts and stitched some of the deeper ones, that weren't healing yet. I felt a little better, probably because of the fact that she had to give me a light sedative so I didn't feel it when she put the ribs back into place and made sure they stayed there. It hadn't exactly worn off yet. I wasn't in any way loopy, though, which I was immensely grateful for. Walking to the lunch tables, I knew the boys would be there soon. I had read their filming schedule and they were supposed to be out in ten minutes. I was surprised when I saw them in the distance, all with food, looking like they'd been there way longer than they were supposed to have been there. As I got closer and they noticed me, I internally started to panic. Why were they staring at me like that? What have I done? Jesus Christ what's wrong? I reached the table and cautiously sat down in the spare place next to Jared. My brows were furrowed and I was having trouble trying to convince myself not to bolt in the opposite direction. You may be absolutely tiny compared to them, but you were fast. Faster than their long ass legs were. 

"Hey, Y/N.." Jared said as soon as I sat down and he gave me a sad smile.  
"Hey?.." I replied, not wanting to know where this conversation was going. They were never this serious and it scared the hell outta me. I tried to keep my breathing under control and I vowed to myself that I wouldn't speak unless it was inevitable and necessary.  
"Uh, you know that you can, you know, trust us with anything, right?" Jensen stuttered. Okay, this is bad. If the conversation didn't change soon, you were going to freak the fuck out. Instead of verbally replying, you nodded slowly, refusing to take your guard down until you knew what this was about. The three of them shared sighs. They knew it was going to be hard to get anything out of me. I always wanted to do things myself and I never wanted to be seen as anything but happy. Even if I never was.  
"Look, Y/N.. Jensen saw..." Misha said sympathetically. Saw? Saw what? What the fuck did he see?! Your mind was racing with thoughts and you refused to say anything. You looked around the table at the boys and shook your head, your eyebrows still furrowed, as if to say, 'I don't know what you're talking about'.  
"Y/N/N... We love you. And we can't stand seeing you hurt. Last night when I was putting you to bed- I- you-" Jensen took a deep breath to compose himself and continued. "I saw them, Y/N. I saw the bruises and the gashes sweetheart.." He drifted off. No. No he didn't. He didn't. Your breathing pace started to increase as you looked diagonally down, allowing your hair to cover your face like a curtain. The boys were all terrified as they watched you become submissive and tried to make yourself as small as possible.  
"Y/N we just wanna help you." Misha coo'd. Your breathing was still rapid. You needed to get out of here. You need to leave. Your parents will kill you if they find out. Do something Y/N!  
"Y/N/N?..." Jensen asked. His words were there but the words in your head were louder. Your mind was screaming at you. You gripped the edge of the bench with your nails and dug them into the hard wood. They all seemed to notice your breath hitching and how small you had made yourself. Jared was the first to speak up. He couldn't watch you battling your mind, suffering by yourself.  
"Y/N/N-" he started in a hushed tone as his hand reached out and brushed over your knee. His attempt to comfort you failed as you screamed and shot up from the wooden table and benches and stumbled from the fast pace of you getting up.  
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" You screamed. If you were quiet enough, I'm sure you would've been able to hear all of the boys hearts break then and there. You started sobbing loudly and as the boys got up in attempt to comfort you, you sprinted in the opposite direction towards your trailer. The boys were quick behind you but with your speed and dedication to get out of there, you were quite a bit quicker. You run up your trailer steps, not even checking to see where anyone was, as you rushed in and slammed the door shut, locking it behind you. 

You were on the brink of hyperventilating. You dropped to your knees and placed your hands on the floor in front of you. Your crying was loud and in no means cute or pretty. They were horrid, deep, whaling sobs that ripped through your chest, causing your breathing to become ten times worse as you collapsed to the side and your nails dug at your hard trailer floor. Your body started shaking and your cries were turning Into heart wrenching screams and sobs so loud you couldn't hear the boys bashing on the door. Your mind was screaming and so were your lungs. You were having another panic attack. Your chest was heaving but your lungs refused to take in any air, and with the screaming sobs, you were quickly running out of time before you were going to pass out. Without notice, the door was slammed open and Jared, Jensen, and Misha all burst in. You took no notice of them as you continued to writhe on the floor. Your hands came up to your hair and started tugging with all your strength. You were laying on your side, curling your knees to your chest, hands in your hair, screaming sobs tearing from you, and in that moment, you couldn't care less who was there. Because you felt like you were dying. The boys quickly rushed to your side as Jared kneeled next to you and pulled you up by the shoulders to hold onto you. Jensen and Misha pried your hands from your head watching as the hair you had ripped out fell to the floor. You started shaking violently and you lost control of your hands as they cramped up from lack of blood circulation. Jared held you close and pulled your head to his chest. You could hear all of them talking, you just couldn't hear what they were saying. Your body started to convulse as you continued to scream with sobs still shaking you. 

Although you couldn't hear the boys, knowing they were there made you feel safe. You weren't calming down but you were thankful they were there. Without warning, your body jerked and you started to throw up. Your arm and a part of Jared's shirt had your puke on it. Jared leaned you forward as you continued to vomit onto your trailer floor, still sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. Jensen was gently patting your hair and Misha was rubbing your back. They were all talking at the same time, which made you confused. You couldn't hear them. Your throat was stinging and you stopped puking, but started to hyperventilate. Your sobs had died down a bit but now your breathing was erratic. Jared pulled you back into his arms and they all watched as you failed to calm down. You stated to scream and cry out. You didn't know who was listening but you were praying that someone would hear you.  
"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Please! Please! It's hurts! No! STOP!" You sobbed. You continue to beg, loosing all of the tiny amount of air you could muster up before. You were on the verge of blacking out when their voices cut through the panic and you heard them for the first time in what felt like hours.  
"Hey, hey Y/N, I need you to breathe! You need to breathe!" Jared yelled.  
"Nooo! No-o, no NO I can't- bre-!" You tried to talk to him but your body and mind refused to cooperate.  
"Y/N, we need you to breathe for us. Match Jared's breathing okay? Just breathe. We're right here with you sweetheart, nothing gonna happen." Jensen coo'd. You shut your eyes and Jared put you against his chest and started breathing deeply for you to follow. All the boys encourage you and comfort you as you attempt to control your breathing. You can't feel your hands and they were still cramping up. You tried to take a deep breath and as you breathed out, what was left in your stomach, which was basically just bile, was brought up and ended up on yourself and partially on Jared again. You coughed in attempt to get the sting from your throat as bile ran down your chin.  
"Hey, it's okay, you're okay." Jared said as Misha used the bottom of his shirt to wipe your mouth.  
"Please make it sto-p, I can-t breat-he, sto-op." You sobbed into Jared as you tried to breathe properly. They shushed and coo'd at you and assured you they were there. Your breathing started to slow, although the you were still breathing rapidly, you were no longer on the verge of hyperventilation.  
"Good job sweetheart keep breathing. You're doing so well." Misha said with a hint of pride hidden in his fear. You kept trying to control your breathing, and it felt like years before you got a full breath of air. 

The boys stayed with you, calming you, helping you, for over an hour and a half. You lay still in Jared's arms after an hour long panic attack. Your breathing had returned to somewhat normal but your breath hitched every once in a while. Jensen held your hand as Misha rubbed comforting circles on your back. Your head was buried in Jared's chest. You were exhausted. Having a panic attack at that severity never failed to tire you. Your eyes started to close and you drifted off into a nightmare-prone, panic induced sleep in Jared's arms and Jensen's and Misha's comforting touches. 

Jared's P.O.V:  
After around two hours, you fell into a restless sleep in my embrace. The whole time I've been on the verge of crying. I'm sure the others were too. It was torture to see you that weak and vulnerable. We've never seen you like that in all the years we've known you.  
"Hey, I'm gonna take her to my trailer and let her stay there till she gets up. If she doesn't, I might let her stay with me the night. I don't think she should be alone." I announce.  
"Okay, man. Take care of her for us." Jensen begs.  
"Why don't you put her to bed and we'll talk later. I feel like we should all get a few things off our chest about what happened." Misha adds sadly.  
"Alright. I'll be back soon guys. You wanna tell bob to cancel shooting for the rest of the day?" I questioned. The boys both agreed and they headed out the door. I slowly stood up so I wouldn't wake you. You stirred and sniffle as I settled you in my arms and headed for my trailer. Whilst walking to my trailer, I received questioning, sympathetic, and worried looks from fellow cast mates and set workers. I wonder who heard what was going on. And seeing you so weak in my arms must've been a confronting sight for everyone. You were always so strong. Arriving at my trailer I open the door and head towards my king size bed. I carefully lay you down and pull the covers up to your chin and sit next to you. I just sit and watch you. You look so peaceful but I knew in your mind you were hurting. I think about all the fun we've ever had and all the times you've helped all of us. And we're adults. But I can't think of one time you've ever come to us, or cried to us, or even mentioned anything being wrong. I shake my head as my lip starts to quiver to get the thoughts out of my mind. I brush a strand of hair from your face as I wonder how things ever came to this. 

I sit with you for a few minutes, just watching and thinking about what to do. I feel so helpless. So do Misha and Jensen. I know. I just know. After ten minutes I walk out to meet up with Misha and Jensen. I refuse to let you suffer alone and from this moment on, I pledge to stay by you and help you through this. Because it's not something people can do alone. I never knew your anxiety was that bad. I never knew someone was hurting you. I still don't know how bad your depression is. But I can only imagine. 

After a long day of thinking about ways to help you, we all headed our separate ways to our trailers. We talked to the director, asking for a few days off to sort things out, and he happily obliged telling us to take all the time we needed. It was currently 12:07am and you've been asleep since 1:33pm the previous day. I stripped to my boxers and put on a light t-shirt for modesty. I pull the covers down and slide into the bed next to you, gently patting your hair in comforting motions once I'm comfortable in the bed. I can't help but think about what's going on. What's hurting you. These thoughts run through my mind until I fall asleep, you right next to me.

Y/N P.O.V

You heard a muffled screaming noise in the distance and you feel a sting in your throat. Someone grabs you by your left shoulder and shakes you violently. Dad?! You shoot up in bed, gasping for air. "Stop! STOP!" You scream as you aggressively hit the hand from your shoulder. You start to noticeably shake. As you take in your surroundings, you look to your left and see a very tired-looking Jared staring sadly back at you.  
"It's alright Y/N/N. It's just me. You're safe." He whispered breathily. You sighed and put your head in your hands.  
"I'm sorry for waking you Y/N. It's just- you were screaming and telling someone to stop and I didn't know what to do. What happened? Are you okay?" He continued. You run your fingers through your hair, still trying to catch your breath.  
"I'm sorry. It's nothing, I'm fine. Sorry Jared.." You say barely above a whisper. Jared has to lean in to hear it.  
"Y/N/N..." He sighs. You close your eyes tightly and hope this conversation doesn't get further than this. "What's going on. Please. I'm here for you. I need you to know I'm here for you. You know you can trust me right?" He asks. The tone of pure concern in his voice breaks a small part of your wall down. You let out a small shaky breath as a tear falls onto the bed. At seeing this, Jared cautiously swoops you into his arms, like he did just hours before, and held you close. He looked at the time. 3:49am it read. He slowly rocked you back and forth as you quietly cry into his shoulder as you grip to his shirt like a life line. It takes all he has not to cry himself, but he doesn't. He needs to be strong. For you. You were always strong for them and you never allowed anyone to help you. But now, it's your turn to be vulnerable and for someone to be strong for you. And Jared knew he was one of those people.  
"Sweetheart," he pleaded, "please talk to me...please..." You only sob a little louder at his words. Not as much as before, not very loudly, but he could tell his words had somehow gotten to you.  
"I don't know what I did wrong." You whispered as tears continued to fall. "I don't know what I did wrong, Jared. What did I do wrong?" By the end of the sentence, you were back to a sobbing mess. Jared's arms tighten around you in attempt to not only comfort you, but himself, too.  
"You did nothing wrong baby. What happened Y/N/N.." You were so tired of being strong. You just wanted to have this one time where you had someone be strong for you. This was the only chance you were going to take. The only time you were ever going to take it. You hated what you did next, but you couldn't stop yourself.  
"They hurt me Jared. They hurt me, and I don't know what I did wrong." You sobbed. Your words were breathy and every once in a while your sobs would interrupted your words. But Jared heard every single one.  
"Who Y/N/N, who hurts you?" Jared coo'd, trying to make you feel comfortable and safe before you back out.  
"Them." You sobbed. You felt like you'd confessed everything, and you hadn't even said who. It just felt like it was enough. And you knew that someone was actually listening to you.  
"Who's them, Y/N? Sweetheart, you've known me for years. You can trust me. Jensen and Misha too for that matter. Everyone loves you, we all care for you. We love you so much it makes us sick to know that you're hurting. You don't deserve to be hurt, Y/N. Please..." Jared was still rocking you back and forth as he listened to your heart breaking sobs and words. You had decided in that moment you weren't going to be strong. You were going to let your guard down for a fraction of a second. You don't care if you'll regret it. It needs to be done. You feel safe for once. Safe to tell the truth, and be yourself. Jared listened as you cried, waiting for you to answer. After a long minute of the only noise being your sobs, you finally said it.  
"My parents..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter was dramatic. I love the drama. I'm sorry it took a long time to get out, too. I've been having a really hard time for a while now but it's recently gotten worse, so I'm sorry it took a bit longer for this chapter.


	4. Ice cream and late night talks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wake up to the residue of last nights talk. When things become overwhelming, you go out for ice cream. Who knew getting ice cream could result in a pissed off Jensen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the chapter notes at the end. I have something to explain.

You woke to the sound of hushed whispers next to the bed you were laying in. Jared's bed. Your eyes reluctantly cracked open in a squint as you blinked back sleep. The whispering voices soon started becoming clearer and you subtly looked towards the couch and saw that the voices belonged to Jared, Jensen, and Misha. You heard your name escaping one of their lips and quickly closed your eyes. You know you shouldn't listen in to their conversation but it was about you, so how could you not listen to what they were saying. 

"She talked to me last night" a gentle voice said. Jared. "She woke up screaming at around 3:30. We talked for a while and sh-she told me." The end of his sentence was stuttered, like he was nervous.  
"She told you what? Who did this?" Another voice chimed in. By the smoothness of his voice you could tell it was Misha. It was hard to hear what he had said since it was so quiet, but you caught it and your heart dropped. Memories of last night flashed into your mind and you remember everything. The screaming, Jared waking you and asking what was wrong, and you telling him. Telling him it was your parents. 'Oh my fucking God. I told him. I told them. What the fuck is wrong with you?!' Your mind was racing but you mentally shook your head and listened in to the conversation once again. There was no response from Jared so you could only assume that he had nodded.  
"Who was it? Who the fuck was it I swear-" Jensen started, his voice rising in concern and anger before being interrupted by Jared.  
"Dude! Shhhh." Jared whisper yelled as he pointed over to you 'sleeping' in the bed. It was quiet for a minute before he resumed talking.  
"I'll tell you but you gotta be quiet man. She told me that it was..." He took a deep breath. "She told me, that it was her-her parents.." He whispered. There was a tense silence as the news sunk in. You started to internally panic. You had open your eyes slightly at that moment to catch their reactions, your face partially hidden behind the comforter. Jared's back was towards you so you could only see Jensen and Misha. Although, it didn't matter because you saw all you needed to see from Jared last night. Misha looked shattered. You'd never seen him in so much pain before, not even when he was in character and was acting like he was being tortured. But when you looked over to Jensen, you saw a very different reaction. He looked pissed. You felt weak, vulnerable, and inevitably terrified. A small whimper that you couldn't hold back left your lips and all eyes in the room snapped towards you. You pulled the covers over your face as your lip started to quiver.  
"Y/N/N?" A muffled voice questioned. You couldn't tell who it was and you couldn't bring yourself to care. "Hey, Y/N/N, it's alright, you're okay sweetheart." You felt a dip in the bed and a slight pull at the covers you were holding over your head. Your fingers loosened and the covers were slowly pulled down by no other than Jared. You looked up at him with sad eyes and received a sympathetic smile.  
"Good morning princess." He whispered gently whilst brushing a start of hair away from your eyes. You didn't reply. Your mind was too busy beating you up for what you had said last night. Misha walked up and stood beside Jared whilst Jensen stood in the back, staring into the distance with anger etched into his face. You spoke for the first time that morning with caution.  
"Jensen?.." You asked. You couldn't bare thinking that he was this pissed because of you. If you were strong enough this wouldn't have happened. What's wrong with you. You're weak, he's pissed because you aren't strong enough. Aren't good enough.  
"What the hell, Y/N." Jensen voiced with force. Jared stood up and walked closer to Jensen with Misha following behind.  
"Jensen-" Misha started, only to be cut off by a sharp glare from Jensen.  
"You've got to be fucking kidding me! We've known you for years and we only find this out now?! What the fuck Y/N?! Why the hell wouldn't you tell this to us, huh?! Are we not good enough for you?!-" He growled.  
"Jensen!" Jared interrupted, seeing the fear on your face.  
"What?!" He all but yelled as he turned to face Jared, only for him to point over to you, who was now cowering in the corner of the bed with tears streaming down your face and your arms held up to cover yourself in defence.  
“Oh no no no sweetheart, please don’t be scared of me..” Jensen whispered softly, walking over and reaching his hand out to you but you jerked away, making his heart break even more than it already was.  
"I'm not mad at you, I'm not mad at you baby, I'm mad at who hurt you, your parents, I'm mad at your parents. I could never be mad at you. I could never hurt you sweetie. I could never do that. You believe me right?" He asked. He kneeled next to the bed with his arms slightly open. His voice breaking towards the end of the sentence in fear of what you would say or do next.

You stumbled across the bed and into his arms, sobs now freely wracking your body. He wrapped his arms around you and began running his fingers through your hair whilst whispering sweet nothings into your ear to calm you. Jared and Misha watched on in sadness. They decided it was best to give you two this time with each other without being interrupted. You stayed in that position for a while until your cries died down into small whimpered and hitched breath. Jensen pulled you closer earning a harsh Yelp from you. He immediately let go and sat you up on the bed, holding your arms and looking into your eyes. He asked what's wrong and you couldn't reply because the sobs started to silently wrack your body again. This time, the other came over and joined you and Jensen on the bed. You all got into a group hug. None of you had any intention of moving. And you didn't. For a while. Before Misha spoke up. 

"Hey, how about we go get some ice cream?" He asked with a small smile on his face. You could all tell it was face, but he was trying. God was he trying to make you happy. You nodded meekly and stood from the bed and the boys stood with you.  
"I'm gonna get ch-anged then." You sniffed and started heading towards the trailer door.  
"Hey, Y/N?" Jared started. "You don't have to hide them from us. You know- the.." He trailed off. Not wanting to say the sad reality. You mustered up a small smile and replied.  
"Okay." You opened the door before you turned around and spoke softly again. "Thanks guys. I love you." You ended with a little nod before turning back around and heading down the stairs to your trailer.

Once you had showered and changed into something more comfortable, you looked in the mirror, and the thing looking back at you wasn't the sweet, innocent kid you used to be. Now, you looked used. No one would want you. Why would they? You remove the extra makeup from yesterday that you failed to get off and you reach for your makeup bag when you are reminded of what the boys had said to you. 'You don't have to hide them from us'. You twist your lip to the side, contemplating weather or not you should listen. I mean, they already know it happened. It's not like they'll be surprised. You did deserve it after all. No. No makeup today. They said I didn't have to right? It's only a few cuts and bruises, what's the big deal?

Before you exit your trailer, you give yourself a mental pep-talk. 'Okay Y/N. You really fucked up. You told them who hurt you. Now you're going to pay the price. They're gonna hurt you and you deserve it. It's all your fault. If you had kept your mouth shut maybe this wouldn't have to happen. But it will. God, you're worthless. You should just do it yourself. Just end it. No one loves you anyway. The boys probably just pity you. Why would they care for you? Why would anyone. You're you. You're nothing.' 

You finish your rant in your head and snarl. For once, you were right. You were nothing. You grabbed your makeup bag again and shovelled through it until you find a temporary escape from the pain and nothingness you feel. Your blade. You roll up your sleeves and take in a deep inhale while you make your first cut. It's not too deep, but it's deep enough to satisfy. But only if you do it again. And again. And again. Again, again, again, again, again. The words repeat in your mind like a broken record, taunting you. You keep going, watching as the Crimson blood starts to pool on the ground. Your about to slice again before you're interrupted by a knock on your trailer door. You freeze and pray that who ever it is won't come in. You curse yourself for not locking the door.

"Hey Y/N, you've been in there a while. You okay?" Misha. You close your eyes and clear your throat.  
"Yeah, I'll be out in a minute." Your voice was wavered and unsure and you mentally cursed yourself before reality hits you. You rush to your makeup bag, put the blade back, wipe your still fresh and bleeding wounds with a tissue and roll down your sleeve. You didn't have time to find a bandage. They'd know something was up. Walking quickly, you open your trailer door to find the boys waiting for you and you immediately feel uncomfortable. What? You've never felt uncomfortable around them. Maybe it's because you felt exposed. Wearing no makeup and having them know who made you look like this made you look and feel very vulnerable. 

As the boys looked to you, they couldn't help the shock that was evident on their faces. They knew it was bad, but you had none of you original skin colour anywhere to be seen on your face. You brought both of your hands up and cupped both of your cheeks, something that you did when you felt unsafe or judged. The boys quickly changed their expressions and told you to go to them. They were at the bottom of the stairs, and now, so we're you. Before you could do anything else you're pulled in to a tight embrace. You stiffen at first, not expecting the sudden contact, then relax into the hug. Sighing in content. You pulled back a minute later and asked "okay..should we go, or?" And you were replied with choruses of 'yeah's' and 'okay's'. 

The whole ride there was silent on your part as your mind started to scream at you. You looked out the window and pulled your knees to your chest. Jared and Jensen were driving and Misha was in the back with you. It didn't usually take as long as it was now to get to the ice cream parlour but you figured it's just your imagination. You let out a breathy Yelp as you feel someone touch your shoulder and immediately feel guilty for being scared. It was only Misha. He just wanted to make sure you were okay and you had to go and seem afraid of him. What the hell Y/N?! You mutter a small 'sorry' and he returns a sympathetic smile. He motions for you to go over to him, so you do. You unbuckle your seat belt and crawl over the backseat to him. He pulls you into his lap and you hide your face into the crook of his neck. The sound of the cars and the feeling of Misha's safe embrace lulls you to sleep. 

You wake to a chorus of voices talking to you. You groan and stir, burying your head deeper into whatever you were sleeping on. A hand gently shakes your shoulder and you groggily turn your head and open your eyes to see Jared and Jensen standing in the open car door and Misha above you. You're in the same position you fell asleep in. You rub your eyes with the back of your hand and yawn sleepily. 

"C'mon Y/N. We're here." Jensen says. Attempting to sound as happy as he can, given the situation. You lazily stand up and stretch your arms and back. The guys simply laughed at you and nudged you forward, towards the ice cream parlour. Misha opens the door and waits for everyone to file in. You give him a small nod as if to say 'thank you' and continue through the door. This was a local ice creamery but it's isolated and you've never seen another person in here besides yourself and the rest of the cast of supernatural. 

The boys order the ice creams they want and so do you. You order a simple vanilla in a small cup, you didn't want to waste anyone's money. Especially if you weren't paying. You all sat down and started to eat silently. You were sure they were all fine but you, felt like you were wearing a horse mask and trying to look normal. Wearing no makeup and not hiding this from them was harder than you thought it would be. You were all starting up a conversation when a lady who worked at the counter walked up to the table.  
"Do you mind if I talk to you, sweetie?" The lady said. She had short dirty blonde hair in a low ponytail and had a kind face. You mustered up the best smile you could and answered.  
"Sure. I'll be back guys." You looked to the others seeing their suspicion but nods of approval.  
"Alright, hurry back Y/N." Jared says "We promise not to touch your ice cream..." He smirks and throws you a playful, best friend wink and you groan and roll your eyes, smiling after to assure them you'll be right back. You turned to the lady and she smiled at you and asked for you to follow her. She ushered you to behind the counter, so you were out of earshot of the boys.  
"Are you alright sweetheart? Do you need help?" She coo'd. You were thoroughly confused. Your brows furrowed and you shook your head slightly. You ha shed a slight 'huh?' Before she continued.  
"I just, I saw your face and I- I couldn't help but worry. Did they do it? Did they hurt you? The men over there?" Was she being serious?! No. No way.  
"Uh, what-no. No they-they didn't- they didn't do anything." You stuttered. She looked at you, her face full of concern. You appreciated her worry but it wasn't her place to straight up ask you.  
"It's okay sweetheart you can tell me. You look like you've been to war. I can help you." Uh no thanks. Don't need or want a strangers help. You have trouble coming up with words so your mouth is moving but no words are coming out.  
"Uhm- no, I don't need your help, I - I'm gonna go now." You mumbled. As you started to turn around she stood in front of you blocking your path.  
"I can't let you go near them. You need help." She demanded quietly, aware of the fact that they could hear her if she spoke too loudly.  
"Pl-please don't come near me." You stuttered. Your breathing was increasing by the second and you felt your eyes fill up with tears but you refused to let them fall. You pulled up your hands, palms facing her, as if you were walking away from a monster. A monster like your parents.  
"Sweeti-" she moved closer to you and grabbed the sides of both of your arms in her hands. Panic ran through your body.  
"GET OFF ME!" You screamed, alerting the boys who abruptly stood and started running to you. You hit the lady shakily in the chest with your fist, making no difference in the way she held you. You were weak. Your body started to shake and you started pushing her away but to no avail. She kept trying to touch you 'comfortingly'. She grabbed hold of your wrist and you shrieked. You started to sob loudly before you felt her body being torn from yours and a familiar moose body pull you close. Your knees weakened and you collapsed into Jared's arms. He slowly drops to the floor, pulling you close and rocking you back and forth whilst running his fingers through your hair.  
"It's okay. It's okay Y/N. You're safe. You're safe. We're right here, I'm right here. Just breathe. You're alright, it's okay." Jared repeated his words over and over to calm you before you fell into another full fledged panic attack. Whilst Jared held you, Misha and Jensen had a go at the waitress.  
"What the hell do you think you're doing?! Touching a girl who's OBVIOUSLY been abused! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" He bellowed. His tall figure towered over the girl who was slightly cowering at his voice. "You have no right to touch her!" He continued. You could almost physically see the steam coming from his face he was so mad. Misha intervened when Jensen took a step closer to her.  
"You need some fucking help if you think it's okay to TOUCH a person who's been treated like that! Especially if they tell you to stop! We're leaving. And you're not going to come near or see us again." Misha barked. He walked towards the door and opened it, ready to hold it for Jared, Jensen, and yourself. Jensen kneeled down next to you.  
"Hey, you okay Y/N? It's okay. We're gonna get you outta here. C'mon sweetheart." He coaxed. He gently places his arms underneath your legs and behind you back and lifts you up into his arms.  
"Up we go. There's a good girl. You're okay." He says as he steadies himself on his feet. Jared get up and walks behind him. You all head for the door, but Jensen stops if front of the waiters face.  
"You come near her again, you'll pay for it." He snarls as he stand up straighter and walks out the door, being held open by Misha. Jared gives the lady a sad look and a shake of his head before following you all out to the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, first off I want to say how PROFUSLY SORRY I AM for how late this is. I'm so so so so sorry and I hope you can forgive me. Recently my depression and anxiety have taken over and I've been bound to my room for the past few weeks. It's been really hard to write or do anything lately and for that I have to apologise. At the moment, I'm not getting better and I haven't been able to leave my bed. I've been staring at walls and having panic attacks if I try to so something else. I'm so sorry that this took so long but it's out now :). I want to thank you all for the supportive messages. They make me feel loved and like what I do is worth something. Thanks for sticking around guys. I'll try write a bit more so you don't have to wait this long. Again, I'm sorry but I hope you enjoyed this chapter. <3
> 
> Xx- Isabella


	5. At the sharp end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Im not gonna give ANYTHING away.... MWAHAHAHAH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took a long-ass time. I made it extra long for you guys this time. I hope you forgive me.

It's been two days since the incident at the diner and the boys have yet to let you out of their sight. You feel completely useless doing nothing. Not shooting, being babied, nothing. No one will let you do anything and it's getting kind of annoying. You appreciate their concerns but your not a child. You don't need protecting. After the day at the diner, you have refused to show any emotion except happiness. Everyone could tell you were hiding how you were feeling, but who could blame you? You had always hated showing emotion, you think it shows weakness. So you stopped showing it. Besides, you'd been weak for long enough. First the panic attack, the nightmares, the crying; oh god the crying. You needed to pull your shit together and stop being pathetic. You deserved everything you got after all. You'd shown to much of your real self lately and your assumptions were right. They thought you were a helpless little girl who couldn't help herself. But you were sure to change that. 

Walking around the set you kept your eyes open for the boys. You guys had a big scene to shoot today, and you couldn't wait to get beck to work; for something to distract you from the voices in your mind. You turned the corner and pulled on a big *fake* smile as you saw the boys. You strode over and started some small talk with them, making sure to brush off any worried questions or glances. When they asked you what you were doing there, you couldn't help the look of confusion that flashed across your face. Knitting your brows together, you answered. 

"Uhhh.......filming? We have a scene today? Remember?" You drawer out the word 'remember' to push your question across. The boys just stared at you from their personalised seats, a mix of uncomfortable and sympathetic looks crossing their faces, making you groan. "Ugh, what now." It wasn't so much of a question as it was a statement.  
"Um, Y/N/N, you know you don't have to film yet right?" Misha questioned, eyeing you cautiously. You tilted your head forward and lifted your eyebrows at them.  
"Yeah? I want to. I'm sick of doing nothing. I ready to get back to it!" You said with your -quite convincing may you say- enthusiastic voice.  
"What he meant to say, was, you're not ready to come back. And we're not ready to let you come back." Jensen corrected. His tone was harsher than you expected it to be. Your stomach dropped as thoughts ran through your mind about how they don't want you around anymore. 'Because you're weak, Y/N. Damn it you're so pathetic, no wonder no one wants you anymore. Not your parents-hell they never wanted you-, not your co-workers, not even your best friends want you anymore. But they probably never did anyway. Why would they. You're pathetic. No one needs you. No one wants you.' Jared seemed to take your silence as an invitation to talk.  
"It's not that we don't want you here Y/N/N, it's just that-" before he could finish you interrupted. Anger was pumping through your veins instead of blood.  
"Don't... What do you think I am?..." Silence. The silence was only increasing your anger. "I said... What. Do. You. Think. I. AM?!" The look of shock on their faces was hurting you, but you were so mad, you didn't falter.  
"What do you mean, Y/N?.." Jared questioned.  
"I mean, what the hell do you think I am?! I'm capable of taking care of myself! God! You're all so overbearing, I just wanna do my job! I wanna forget everything that's happened and have a normal damn life! I'm an independent person and I can make my own decisions and protect myself! Why do you think-"  
"Bullshit. You can't protect yourself. Have you looked in the mirror lately sweetheart? Doesn't look like you've been doin' a good job at protecting yourself, does it?" What Jensen just said hit you like a ton of fucking bricks. You released a sharp breath and averted your eyes to the floor. When Jensen's mind caught up to what he had said his face and tone softened. "Y/N/N...I'm, I'm so sorry I didn't mean that." He stood and reached out to touch your shoulder, only to be aggressively pushed away by a pair of hands to his chest.  
"Don't you fucking dare." You whispered. Your voice was unsteady and your lip was trembling. You took a step back as he stepped forward. "Y/n/n.." He whispered, holding up his hands in defence. By this time, Jared and Misha had already stood up from their seats. You shake your head lightly, tears filling your eyes as you continued to step back. You turn around when you see them taking cautious steps towards you and started into a sprint. You always were a good runner. Especially when it came to facing your problems. 

The boys watched as you quickly ran away, your body growing smaller and smaller from the distance you were putting between the four of you. Once you reached your trailer, you slammed the door shut and grabbed your pillow and screamed as loud as you could into it. UGH they were so infuriating. Why would he say that to you? Who are you kidding, they never cared for you. They do think you're useless. Because that's all you are. Useless! You went to the bathroom and stared in the mirror, panting from the run. As soon as your eyes meet your reflection you grimace. A sob tears from your throat and you punch it with all the strength you have, causing it to shatter. Without even thinking, you picked up a piece of the shattered mirror and rolled up your sleeve, dragging it aggressively across your skin. Over and over again. When you finally stopped to take a breath, you noticed that they were deeper than your usual cuts and your arm was completely cover in jagged wounds; blood calmly dripping from each one. When drops of a clear liquid appeared on your arm, you became aware of the fact that you were crying. Since when though? How long has it been? You stood up and turned on the tap and ran your arm underneath the cool water. You hissed as the water washed some of the blood away from your arm. You twisted the tap and tugged down your sleeve over the still slightly bleeding cuts and sighed. 

You walked out of the bathroom and let out a small sigh as you fell onto your bed. With your head in your hands, you began to think of something else to distract you from the hurt that you were feeling from Jensen's words. Your mind instantly flicked to your parents. Well, if that's what you can call them. They're pretty shitty at loving and showing love. Do they even know what that means? Or what it feels like to love someone? They didn't know how to love you, that's for sure. After all of the shit they've done to you, you hated them. You hated them almost as much as you hate yourself. And that was a fucking damn lot. But no matter what they did or will do to you, you still love them. Why? Why do you love them... Maybe you should leave. Maybe they would be happier. Maybe everyone would be happier. If you were just... Gone. 

Well, this was something to think about another time. But right now, you need to do something. It doesn't matter what it is, you just need to do it. An idea popped into your head and fear surged through you. Would you actually so that? Were you brave enough? Who cares. You can't do it anymore. So yeah, you are going to. You're going to go to your house, grab all your things (well, the small amount of things you have) and you're going to leave your parents lives. Permanently. You'd get a new smaller place to stay. Besides, they wouldn't be able to pay for it for long anyways, considering you payed most of the bills with what you earned from the show. 

You grabbed your phone and shoved it in the back of your Jean pocked and walk out of your trailer. You were conflicted to tell the boys where you were going. But decided against it. You were going to prove you could handle yourself. You're not fragile. You don't need their protecting. No matter how much you deeply craved and needed it; which you always ignored. You exited the gates and headed down the street, starting to walk towards your destination. 

The whole walk there was filled with fear and anxiety. Would they be home? What if they hurt you? Again! 'I don't think I can do this.' Your thoughts were out of control. You were violently shaking and your breathing was shallow. As you approached the house all of the symptoms of a future panic attack were rising ever so quickly. You pushed them down -at least tried to- and tip-toed towards the front door. It was still daylight, so it made you feel a little safer, knowing you'd be able to see if anyone was near you or if someone was going to do anything. Twisting the door handle, your stomach was doing 360 fucking somersaults. As the handle was pushed as far as it could go, you released a long, shaky breath and opened the door slowly. 

You regretted coming immediately. There was your dad, surrounded by bottles of whiskey and beer, all empty. He stood at the sight of you and you tried to stumble towards the door, only to be tripped by your father grabbing and pulling your leg.  
"You didn't think I'd let you go now, did you, you little fucking slut!" He smiled and laughed cruelly. All of the calmness you had tried to obtain suddenly flew out the window at his words, causing you to babble in panic.  
"I'm sorry, I'm so-orry daddy! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please-please-please don't hurt me please!" You whimpered whilst curling in on yourself.  
"No chance, whore. You're all mine." He snickered. And that's where it began again. He was immediately on top of you, smashing your head into the hard, wooden floor. He quickly stood and kicked you hard in the ribs, over and over and over again, casing the ribs that were still healing from the last beating to re-break, earning a painful scream from you. He pulled you up by your hair and quickly slammed you against the wall. You raised your hands to protect your face but he Simon snarled and ripped them away, punching you hard in the side of your face. You were full on crying now. Just make it stop. He punched you so many times, you couldn't count. He let you go and you ran towards the stairs, only to be kicked harshly to the ground and kicked in the side, in your face, anywhere he could get to. Your dad was a strong guy and it hurt like fucking hell when he nudged you, and right now, he was beating the life out of you. Literally. You could feel the world around you fading as you stopped fighting back while he kept going. Then it stopped. You didn't move, fuck, you couldn't move. When you heard the footsteps leaving you didn't even feel relieved it was over. You just wanted him to kill you, right then and there. But when you heard him coming back in your direction, you felt slightly better, knowing he was ending it for you. Instead of a punch, kick, or whatever else you were expecting you got a glass bottle smashed into your face, cutting and piercing the soft skin.  
"You're lucky my mates called so I could finish you." He slurred as he gave you one last hard kick, turned away from you and headed out of the front door. Tears were still running down your face in pain as you pulled yourself up off of the floor and tripped up the stairs up to your room. You ignored everything that was hurting, for example, your whole damn body, and grabbed a small duffel bag from underneath your bed. You dropped it onto the soft comforter and limped towards your cupboard, filled with all your clothes, which was only two pairs of jeans, three shirts and a pair of converse shoes. You zipped up the duffel and were about to pick it up when you heard the creak of your door. You turned around slowly, only to be met with a very pissed off looking mother. She wasn't as bad with the beatings so you didn't feel overly afraid. Until you saw the kitchen knife in her hand. Your eyes widened and you felt like you were going to throw up. 

"...mum?..." You questioned quietly, trying your best not to aggravate her more. Like, shit! She had a knife! No way we're you going to mess with her now. "What're you doing?...." You asked, pulling up your hands into a surrender to let her know you didn't want a fight. Or to, you know, get fucking stabbed!  
"I never loved you. You are a disappointment of a daughter. You've deserved every beating you've ever gotten but I realised... It wasn't enough for you to get hurt. You need to die. Simple as that." Her tone was calm and at the end of her little speech, she giggled manically. She fucking giggled!  
"Mum, please... Put the knife down.... I-" you started, trying to get her to calm down, only to be interrupted.  
"Not gonna happen." And with that, she ran at you. It's hard to know what to do in this sort of situation. After all, it's not every day that your father beats you and your mother tries to kill you. But with the show your apart of and the scenes you do, it was easy to dodge her arm with the knife in hand that she swung at you. You quickly ran to your duffel and sprinted to the stairs. A heavy weight landed on you and you face planted, but quickly turned around onto your back, only to be met with your mother clawing on top of you bringing the knife to your throat. Your head was over the first step of the staircase and you were full on panicking. Your Screams filled the room as she started to push the knife down rapidly onto your throat. You pulled your leg up in a desperate attempt to get her off. You kneed her in the crotch and watched as she fell over you, grabbed your shoulders, causing you both to tumble down the stairs. Everything hurt. You didn't even want to think of standing it hurt so bad, but you pushed yourself off the ground and ran to the kitchen, hiding behind the counter, hoping to earn enough time to come up with a plan. With your panicked mind, it was hard to think of anything except curse words and 'my mother just tried to fucking kill me!'. You gasped in panic and relief as you remembered your phone in your back pocket. You quickly pulled it out and dialled the first number you saw. Misha. 

You were attempting to control your sobs as you looked around you, seeing if your mum was anywhere to be seen. You heard the other side of the phone pick up and you sobbed out loud this time, unable to hold it in.  
"Y/N? Where are you? We've been looking for you for-"  
"Misha!" You whisper yelled. "She's gonna kill me! My mum is trying to kill me! Misha! What do I do she's got a knife-she's got a knife!"  
"Y/N?! WHERE ARE YOU?!" Misha yelled over the phone, his voice louder than you'd ever heard it.  
"I'm at my-" You were crying as quietly as you could, but to no avail. Your mother rounded the corner and was on top of you in an instant. You screamed a terrifying scream and it didn't seem to stop. "STOP!! STOP IT!! MUM!!" Your voice was going dry from all the screaming but you didn't stop. You stopped speaking and just screamed and pushed on her arms as she tried to push the knife closer and closer to you. You were wrestling on the floor, screaming. The only advantage to you was, let's see, nothing! And she has a god damn KNIFE!! Your Mum was bigger than you,so it was hard to get her off, but eventually you wriggled free from under her and ran into the living room. You didn't know where to go so you tried to hide, only to end up backed into a corner. You watched as she slowly paced towards you.  
"HELP!! HELP ME PLEASE!!" She got closer and threw her arm and the knife right into the side of your shoulder. The pain was like nothing you'd ever felt, and had never wanted to feel. You screamed again trying to push her away with one hand as you collapsed onto the floor in pain. She reached down and pulled the knife out, making it bleed ten times more than before. You were putting up a fight, but with the giant hole in your shoulder, it was hard. You heard a familiar sound scream your name.  
"Y/N?!!" Music to your ears. You didn't know who it was -obviously someone who knows you- but you just wanted, no, needed help.  
"HELP!! STOP!!" You screamed. Your mother had the knife over your throat again and she had you pinned in place. You started to let out screaming sobs as you felt the pressure from the knife on your throat build and build, cutting it shallowly, until it was suddenly removed. You saw Jensen and Jared pulling your psychotic mother off you and Misha rushed towards your small, beaten form. You felt your limbs weaken. You didn't have to fight anymore. You head banged onto the floor and Misha quickly pulled it up to rest on his lap.  
"It's okay, it's okay Y/n... It's over. You're safe." Your eyes were growing heavier by the second and Misha seemed to notice. It didn't bother him until he saw the blood pouring from your shoulder.  
"Hey, hey Y/n/n, stay awake for me sweetheart. The cops and medics are on their way, just keep your eyes on me darlin'." You whimpered as the pain finally began to set in. You heard the sound of distant sirens growing louder and louder. 

Everything after that was kind of blurry. Your mother was taken from Jared and Jensen, who had pinned her to the floor effortlessly. Once she was off their hand, they quickly ran over to you, still being held still in Misha's lap. He was pushing down on the knife wound, hard, trying to stop the bleeding.  
"Hey y/n/n... I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry baby girl." Jensen was crying. It was rare to see him cry, unless it was for a scene, but all three of them were balling their eyes out at the mere sight of you. You shook your head slightly and reached out to hold his hand with your good one.  
"I love you." You said quietly. Your eyelids were half closed and your body was limp. "I love you guys..." You whispered these words over and over as your eyes shut and the darkness surrounded you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .........
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> And then you died
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Just kidding
> 
>  
> 
> I just want to say thank you for reading my story. I want to thank the people who keep coming back and encouraging me in this story. But at the moment I don't know if anyone wants it anymore. I feel like my writings shitty and wasting everyone's time. I'm really sorry about how long it takes for me to write these things. I loose motivation so quickly and I've had a really bad week. Worse than usual. Although, I was in hospital for a few days, where I couldn't write. I'm so sorry guys. I love you all so much. Always keep fighting. You are not alone. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, too ❤️


	6. Things are changing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the reader wakes up in hospital, she is confused to say the least. When she decides that she wants to leave as quickly as possible, she goes back to set, where things have started to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you guys like summaries? I dunno. I have a long-ass note at the end. You don't have to read it, I just think it might help explain my lack of posting. Please enjoy. I'm so so so sorry for the wait. For being so patient, this chapter is 6,503 words long!!! Ahhhh!!!!

Misha's POV:

As soon as her eyelids shut, everyone seemed to panic. No one knew what to do. I could hear the sirens wailing in the distance but I couldn't bring myself to care. All I cared about was the fact that one of my best friends, whom I loved like a daughter, was on the brink of death in my arms. The police had taken her mother away and have reported finding the father and arresting him, too, throwing both in prison. I couldn't give less of a shit what happened to them, all I cared about was keeping the dying girl in my arms alive and safe. Jared and Jensen were on the ground, hovering around me, trying to get Y/n to wake up. She didn't respond. Didn't even stir. Hard boots hitting on the floor draw my attention away from her face and I look up to be met with a team of paramedics along with a gurney. Jared and Jensen have both backed off, allowing them more space to do their jobs. A female paramedic rushes to my side and asks me if I'm alright, I simply nod my head, too shocked to speak. She continues to talk to me but I don't hear what she's saying. Before I know it, Y/n is being pulled out of my arms and placed onto the gurney. I stumble to my feet and run to her side before they hurry her outside into the warm afternoon air. They push her into the ambulance and I immediately jump in next to her, holding her hands. Jared and Jensen rush to their own car, quickly proposing they will meet us at the hospital. 

I hold her hand the whole way there whilst the medics continue to work on her. How could someone do this to another person? How can you hurt someone you claim to love and care for so much? How could you hurt a child, let alone your own? I look down at her face, not even seeing a part of her unscathed. She's black and blue, bruises marking her innocent skin, deep cuts co-starring along with them and dried blood trickling down her face. How couldn't have we noticed this sooner. She was hurting and she always seemed so happy, it blinded everyone from the truth. Everyone was oblivious. She is the strongest girl I know, always has been, but how could she keep something so painful and so paralysing to herself, without needing someone to help her along the way? 

We pulled up into the hospital entrance and she is rushed in through the sliding door, my hand still holding a death grip on her own. They head towards the emergency room as a nurse approaches me quickly, takes my hand away from hers as they continue to wheel her away from me.  
"What are you doing?! I need to be there with her! I need-"  
"Sir, what she needs, is medical attention. No unfortunately I am unable to grant you access to the emergency department. I assure you we will do all we can to her your friend. May I show you to the waiting room?" Her voice is sickeningly calm in a situation such as this, but I oblige and follow her back towards the waiting room. Less than a minute later, Jared and Jensen are rushing in, panic written all over their faces as they see me, slumped in a chair, head down, blocking out the world.  
"Misha!" Jared exclaims as he runs over to me, Jensen in tow.  
"What's going on. Where is she?" Jensen questions, his voice scratchy and full of worry.  
"They took her into the ER. Wouldn't let me go in. How the fuck could someone do that? To their own child? She did nothing wrong.." My eyes were full of unshed tears. Hell, everyone's eyes were full of unshed tears. Who could blame us. Our best friend is suffering and we can't do shit to help her. She's so young. She has such a bright future. But she could probably never see it. If I were her, I wouldn't be able to sense any meaning in the word future, because it would feel like I had none.  
"I don't know, man. But I swear to god, those fucking pieces of shit are gonna pay!" Jensen exclaimed. He was fuming, and I give him a look, telling him it wasn't the right time.  
"Jensen, nows not the time to be pissed, nows the time she's gonna need us most, and if you're pissed, who knows what she's gonna think. I know your mad, fuck, I'm mad as hell, but we need to be there for her. This is about her. She can't do something this big alone." Jared's voice was full of sympathy, but you could feel the anger seeping through his words at the mention of her parents.  
"Right. Right, I'm sorry. I just..." Jensen starts, but decides not to continue, not wanting to elaborate on how pissed off he was.  
"I get it man... I get it..." We all sat in silence after that. There was nothing to be said. What could be said?...

Jared's POV: 

The rest of the cast was called and informed of the situation once they arrived. The air was tense with sorrow, anger, and pain. It had been over three hours since Y/n was taken in to the ER and not a word had been heard from a doctor, and everyone was starting to feel a bit restless. My body is filled with guilt and pain, my thoughts attacking me again and again, telling me I could've prevented this. But in my heart, I knew I couldn't have. Everyone made a silent vow to help Y/n. Including myself. Half of the cast had gone home after five hours of waiting, asking us to call if we receive any news, but the people who had worked with her more and known her longer, stayed, unable to bring themselves to leave. 

My eyes were cast downwards looking at my hand, whilst wringing them together.  
"Ummm, is anyone here for Y/n Y/l/n?" At the new voice, everyone looked up, and as soon as her name fell from the nurses lips, everyone stood, showing we were all here for her.  
"Oh, uh, well, if you would all like to follow me to the meeting room, I have some news for you all." The nurse said whilst turning around, signalling for the cast to follow. The silence was deafening. I swear you could hear a pin drop it was so quiet. We followed the male nurse into a large meeting room -which was probably for the nurses, but since there were so many of us, I guessed we wouldn't fit anywhere else- and everyone took either a seat in the table, in a chair, or stayed standing. The nurse looked down at the papers in his hands and started reading some information aloud.  
"Well, first I would like to inform you that Y/n is very much alive-" everyone breathed a sigh of relief, some of the tension leaving the room. But people stayed quiet, to listen to the rest of the news the nurse had to share. "Unfortunately-" and there it was. The word that immediately made everyone's hearts drop to the bottom of the ocean. I closed my eyes as I continued to listen, waiting for the inevitable bad news to be dropped onto our shoulders. "-unfortunately- she is currently in a coma. There has been a breathing tube inserted to assure she continues to breathe. Her wounds have been tended to, but sadly, we don't know how long it will take for her to recover, or how long it will take for her to wake from the coma. The extent of her injuries were some of the worst I've seen from a domestic violence case. We have placed her in the ICU for further evaluation, and you all are welcome to visit her any time you like. She's in room 133. I'm very sorry." And with that, he was gone. Leaving us all to absorb the horrifying news. My heart shatters. I open my eyes and look around the room. There isn't one dry eye in sight. And I feel like there won't be for a while. 

Your POV: 

Your mind starts to become a little less foggy. Why was it foggy in the first place? You start to wonder where you are and why you feel so... Weird. Then in a split second you're panicking. Your heart rate increases dramatically as you remember everything that happened. But where are you now? What happened? Are you dead?! Oh god, you're dead! No! No, you can't be dead! They must've hidden you somewhere and now they're going to torture you, oh god no. You could feel tears running down your face but you couldn't open your eyes you couldn't even move, which caused you to panic more. You hear voices yelling around you. Familiar voices. But you can't seem to focus, until a hand clasps your own. Little did you know, That hand was Jared's. Quickly after the hand grabbed yours, a smooth, calming voice entered your ears.  
"Hey, hey Y/n, you're okay. It's me Jared, you're okay, alright? I just need you to calm down. I. Right here Sweetheart, everyone's here. I just need you to-" before he could finish his sentence, your eyes snapped open and you shot up in the hospital bed. Something was down your throat, causing you to gag. Your panic started rising as you felt the tube down your throat, and you shakily bring your hands up and grab the thick tube, attempting to pull it out, only to be stopped by a hand. Thinking back to the last thing you remember, your mind immediately tells you it's your mother or father, trying to kill you... Again... You struggle against the hands holding you and thrash on the bed. Any words being said were pointless, all you could hear was the voice in your mind and white noise. You don't know how many people are holding you down because your eyes are now clamped shut. In your struggle, you fail to hear the nurse telling whoever is with you to get you to calm down, or they'll have to sedate you. A hand then runs through your hair and you slightly relax at the touch, although your heart rate is still up and you're continuing to fall further into your really weird circumstanced panic attack.  
"Y/n/n! Hey, hey Y/n/n, hey princess. It's Jensen. I'm right here, okay? Y/n, sweetheart, I need you to calm down, Y/n/n, please, I need you to calm down, I can't help you if you don't listen to me. I need you to listen to me. Just relax. You're safe. You're in the hospital. Everyone's here for you. Jared's here, Misha's here, Mark, Ruth, Richard, rob, Gen, Danni, we're all here for you. You're safe." By this time you had stopped fighting against the people, and the machine pumping your lungs full of air. It was weird not having to try and breathe. It was uncomfortable and you didn't feel safe. But you just drowned yourself in Jensen's voice, pushing away your thoughts.  
"okay Y/n/n, can you open your eyes for me sweetheart?"  
You slowly opened your eyes and blinked s few times to get them to focus on your surroundings. You looked directly into Jensen's eyes, and he could sense the fear in your own.  
"Hey. There are those beautiful eyes I've been waiting for. You're okay sweetie. We're just gonna get a nurse so they can take the breathing tube out for you, would you like that?" You nod quickly but stop at the rubbing feeling from the tube down your throat, making you gag again. 

The nurse came in quickly and once you were calm enough, told you to cough as hard as you can whilst they remove the tube. You did as they say and the tube come out, in uncomfortable feeling left in your throat. She offers you a little bit of water and you gladly accept, taking little sips at a time. She soon left the room and you were instantly surrounded by your friends. Misha was the first to speak up.  
"Hey Y/n/n.." A sympathetic smile was plastered on his face and you internally groaned. Why did everyone pity you now. You knew they were just concerned, but come on. You gave them a slight smile and replied with a short 'hi'. You were still tired, and you were finding it hard to speak.  
"How you feeling?" You looked over to the voice you had yet to hear today and saw Mark Sheppard looking back at you, a small, but genuine smile on his face.  
"Okay, I guess. Everything hurts." You relied. As you said 'everything hurts' they all looked down and flashes of sorrow and pain crossed their features, but they quickly recovered. They knew you were hurting more. They needed to be there for you.  
"We missed talking to you Y/n. I had no one to make fun of everyone else with me." Ruth's voice was sweet and made you smile slightly, noticing how she forced a giggle to make you feel more comfortable. But what she said played on repeat in your mind. 'We missed you'... They missed me? Where did I go? You thought. Well, at least you thought you thought. Turns out you had said your thoughts aloud and Jensen gently replied.  
"You didn't go anywhere sweetheart." He gave a small chuckle. "I know this probably isn't what you want to hear right now, but they're gone. They went to court and got sentenced sixteen years imprisonment with no parole. The good news is, the cast -meaning us-" he gestured to everyone in the room. "Are now your legal guardians. Now, you can still be adopted if you want to be. If not, e have custody over you until you're eighteen." You were in shock. It wasn't exactly what you were expecting to hear after such a small amount of time. How the hell did they do that?  
"Wow... How did you guys do that overnight?" You questioned. You knew it was a stupid question, but the drugs in your system were refusing to let anything in this moment make much sense.  
"Y/n/n.. That wasn't overnight." Gen said gently, her brows furrowing slightly in sadness.  
"What? How long was I out?" You asked genuinely curious as to how long you'd been snoozing for.  
"It's been nearly three weeks, sweetie." Danneel replied. Three weeks. Three weeks? No fucking way. You just got here.  
"You were in a coma for a while Y/n. You...you kept flatlining for the first week... We were so scared we were going to lose you." Jared coo'd. Flatlining... Wait, did that mean you kept...dying? Or almost dying? Your mind was filled with questions that would be hard for anyone to answer. But despite everything, all you could wonder was how you looked. What did you look like. If your parents were gone, who would love you now? They may have been shit parents, but you still loved them with all your heart. They were always there for you, even if it wasn't in a positive way. They were the only thing that ever kept you grounded. Without them, what were you going to do. You were no one. You had nothing...

You fell asleep soon after that small conversation. Your body and mind were slow from the drugs they'd given you, but in a way, you were thankful. Thankful that you didn't have to face reality, thankful that when you did, you were too drugged out to notice. You knew the conversation will have to be had sooner or later, or, sooner, considering the people who surround you can't seem to let it go. It wasn't a big deal really. You'd been beaten before. Have been since you were eight years old. In the end, you deserved every. Single. Beating. They all had a reason. And it all had to do with you. 

You had woken up during the middle of the night with a nurse immediately by your side and the majority of the cast still there, in the uncomfortable hospital chairs. You spoke to the nurse as soon as you had sobered up from the morphine, at the same time finally starting to feel the pain kicking in. She gave you the all clear to leave as soon as you wanted to, and God, did you want to get the fuck outta here. It smelled of cleaning supplies and reminded you of the fact of why you were here, how many times you've been here -for the same damn reason-, and how you got here. The nurse left before you had the chance to ask her to remove the cannula from your hand, causing you to rip it out yourself. It didn't hurt. Considering what you had gone through, you didn't expect it to. You slowly stood from the hard hospital bed and stalked over towards the others. You felt guilty for getting them up this early -or, late. Depending on how you look at it- but you needed to get out for a while. You decided to wake Mark, who was sleeping in the chair closest to the door. He woke quietly, whispering your name and asking what you were doing. You told him you were given the all clear to leave when you wanted and that you needed to get out for a while. 

He got up immediately and told you he'd take you on a drive. You walked out of the hospital, still in your ugly-ass gown, and you let out a big breath as you stepped into the cold night air. You take in a deep breath through the nose, loving not being able to smell medicated hospital. You slowly padded through the driveway next to Mark. He wrapped his arm protectively around your shoulder, careful of the stitches on the opposite side and the bruises and stray cuts covering the rest of your body. You looked up at him and smiled slightly. You didn't feel like being trapped in a car, so you decided to ask Mark if you could just walk for a while. The streets were well lit and it was a safe area. Plus he was with you.  
"Hey Mark, do you mind if we just walk for a while instead?" You questioned as you neared the car.  
"Darling, we can do whatever you want." You both continued to walk to the foot path and you set a slow pace for walking at.  
"How you doing, Y/n?" Mark asked. You knew what he meant, he didn't want a 'I'm fine' answer, but you didn't want to talk about how you felt. You didn't even know how you felt. All you knew, was that you didn't feel worth anything.  
"I'm okay, I guess. I mean considering the circumstances." You continued looking straight forward as you strolled, knowing occasionally he was looking at you. Now was one of those times.  
"Y/n/n..." He started. His tone was kind but knowing. He was trying to get you to open up.  
"I know.. I know I need to talk about it one day. But today? I don't want it to be the day. Please?" You sounded tired. Not just physically, but mentally too. Mark sighed in defeat. He knew he wouldn't be able to coax you out of it tonight, you were too overwhelmed and needed time to adjust.  
"Okay. Just.. Come to me if you need something. Anything." You dropped your head into his side as an answer. His grip around you tightened slightly, not enough to hurt, but enough to know you were safe. 

You walked like that for over an hour in a peaceful, comfortable silence. Until it was interrupted by a loud chipmunk like voice booming through a phone speaker singing 'I'm a barbie girl'. You giggled gently at the choice of his ringtone for the cast members. He laughed along with you and nudged you a bit, telling you to shut up. He picked up his phone and answered with a hello. You could slightly hear a panicked voice over the receptor and you sighed, knowing exactly who it was. The rest of the cast had woken up and they were obviously confused to find you and Mark gone. He answered all the questions they threw at him with ease, claiming that you'd be back within the hour. He hung up and you looked up at him. Silently asking if you had to go back. His lips tugged into a small, sideways smile as you both turned around and started heading back to the hospital. 

You knew everything was going to be different from now on, but you were going to become the "happy" girl you always claimed to be for the past few years. That's the only way you knew how to be happy -to pretend. Even if it hurt you more, it put the people around you at peace knowing you were fine. If they knew the truth, you'd never be out of anyone's sight for the rest of your damn life. And you couldn't deal with that. Being constantly hovered around and babied? Hell no. You weren't gonna let at happen. 

You couldn't. 

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

You were prescribed a small dose of oxycodone to help with the pain and a new antidepressant to more suit your needs and problems. None of the cast knew about your antidepressants and anti anxiety medications, and you didn't want the to, so when the nurse came to prescribe medication to you, you whispered to her and asked if she could please remove the others from the room for 'confidentiality reason'. You felt bad for kicking them out, but you couldn't let them see how weak you were. The new anti-depressant was called aripiprazole, abilify for short. She told you how to clean the stitches and how to deal with the other cuts and bruises marking your skin. She also said nothing overly physical, due to the broken ribs and fractured shoulder from the fall down the stairs. 

After the -useless- information sesh, you walked out of the room, thanking the lady. You met the others in the waiting room lobby and they all stood at the sight of you. Becoming the happy character you grin slyly and throw your arms to the side spinning, as if to show yourself off. You forced a giggle from your throat as you stopped spinning and walked towards them. They were still smiling sympathetically at you and you sight audibly.  
"Ugh. Guys c'mon! You can have time to drown in sadness later." Your voice was confident and a smile was plastered onto your face. You knew that they knew it was fake, but if you kept it up for long enough, they'd get used to it again. Or even believe you. 

You were soon taken back to set, you felt too scared to see the crime scene that was your 'home'. You were having trouble walking without a small limp, considering that your ribs were broken and you were cut and bruised everywhere, you thought you were doing pretty well to hide your discomfort and pain. You had never hurt so much in your life. As soon as you came close to any bin, you had thrown out the pain medication. Why? Because you deserve all the pain you get. You didn't have family now, and it was all your fault. Who the hell would love someone as damaged as you. You didn't deserve to be loved. What you deserved, was the searing, white hot pain you had constantly had for the past eight years of your life. You were always told you deserved the beatings you got, and being an eight year old, of course you believed your parents. They were your parents. As you grew up, it was the norm, and each year, the beating would increase, including the severity of the beatings. 

There was always a reason for them to do it. Throughout the beatings, they'd tell you everything you'd done wrong and why you didn't deserve the kindness you got from them. You'd learnt that men had the right to hit girls, and that women had the right to hit their daughters. At the age of ten, you had grown to fear every person you came across, causing you constant anxiety and the depression seemed like it was always there. You flinch at anyone who tried to touch you, and you still do. You'd learned to feel safe around the cast, especially the boys, but now that your own mother had tried to kill you, things were starting to change, and after a few days of simply relaxing around set, you think they'd started to notice. You were starting to treat everyone how you had treated your father. Always standing straight, never relaxed. Mind always racing in panic, not talking back or joking. Offering to do their work or get them drinks. But the one that made it blatantly obvious, was the fact no one had touched you since the day you had come back from the hospital. 

Tonight was movie night for the guys and they had invited you as soon as it was planned. They were meeting at Jensens' trailer, they being Jensen -obviously-, Jared, Misha, and Mark. And now, you too. It had been four days since you'd been back and you haven't been out of your trailer much. They all assumed it was due to the fact you were severely injured and it hurt to get out of bed. Little did they know that you were causing yourself more harm. Your self harm had increased and you'd done it every day since you were back. You were drowning in anxiety and depression and had nothing to save you from it. From yourself. Depression and anxiety had always been apart of your life, but when the beatings started to get worse when you were thirteen, they dramatically increased in 'strength'. 

Depression to you had always been the thing that has caused you to self harm, telling you that you weren't good enough, telling you that you were worthless, telling you to end it all. It made your moods jump from scared, to sad, to suicidal within seconds. It made you have no motivation to do anything except breathe and stare at walls. It was paralysing. Anxiety had always been the constant nagging feeling I your mind that everyone was judging you, staring. Telling you everyone was going to hurt you, telling you people were something to be afraid of. And they were. It caused you to worry constantly about the smallest things and bring back to mind everything you'd ever done wrong at three a.m in the morning. 

That's what it had always been like to you. Recently, it had changed. Your depression had started to become numbing instead of saddening. You felt nothing at all and at the same time you felt every single negative emotion all at once. It's fucking hell. The constant numbness causes you to cut more, it gives you a way to feel something. Anything. The first thought you have when you wake up is: 'I can't do this anymore'. You think about the hurt you're feeling, all the pain, the suffering, the misery, the god damn anchor drowning you in your own depression, and yet you can't bring yourself to care. Why does it matter? Why does anything matter. You're worthless. You're fucking worthless. Do you ever wonder why people forget you exist? That's because you mean nothing. You feel nothing, you mean nothing, you are nothing. And that's all you'll ever be. 

Your anxiety on the other hand was doing just as much damage as the depression. You were constantly on the edge of panic. Five panic attacks in the four days since you'd been back and no one even knows. And they never will. If it was even humanly possibly, they had gotten ten times worse then they were before. You caused yourself to throw up multiple times, you had passed out from lack of oxygen, and you always think that it's the last panic attack you'll have, because you feel like you're going to die. You shook like a leaf constantly, no matter if you were having a panic attack of not. It felt like you had missed a step and your stomach had lurched, only instead of three seconds, it's constantly there. 

And you did all of this alone, in silence. 

As soon as you had gotten the text from the boys telling you it was movie night at Jensens, dread filled your body. You lived these guys, with all you damn heart, but nothing, nothing, felt worth anything. You didn't feel worth their time. You weren't important to them, you just make their lives harder. And it's all your fault. It's all your damn fault. And they secretly hate you for it. You make their life hell just by breathing. So maybe you should stop, Y/n. Just stop trying. Just stop breathing. Everyone would be happier with you gone. 

You sighed as you realised that if you didn't go, they'd come to you. They were worried. Hell, you would be too if it was one of them. But the difference is that they wouldn't deserve it. You on the other hand, were a different story. You quickly cleaned your freshest cuts from your thighs and arms, threw on a jumper and headed to the trailer. You felt awkward walking there. Every person you walked past looked at you sympathetically and smiled sadly. You just wanted them to ignore your existence. You self consciously wrapped your arms around your waist as your breathing became quicker. Damn it Y/n not now! You quickened your pace as you neared the trailer, hoping to get the panic under control by getting away from the prying eyes. 

You quickly walked up the steps and aggressively knocked on the door. Your knocks were quick in pace and moderately loud. You didn't need to draw any more attention to yourself then you already had. The door opened and Misha opened the door, a smile pulling onto his lips as soon as he saw your face, but was quickly replaced with a worried look as he noticed the way your breathing was hard and your face was contorted, twisted in a way you only use when you're in pain. You quickly flashed him a small smile and slid dingo the trailer, breathing deeply to calm yourself and your undying anxiety. Jared and Jensen were there, too and were already seated in front of the TV on the couch, the title of 'Moana' playing on repeat on the screen. 

Moana was currently an obsession of yours and the boys knew it, you now assume that they had chosen the movie just for you. You smiled gratefully as they both turned to look at you, noticing the sound of the trailer door opening and closing. You kept your arms wrapped around yourself as you walked towards them. You pulled up a stool from the small dining table and placed it next to the couch. There was plenty of room for you on the couch, but you were too scared of what would happen if you sat next to them. You could see a small flash of hurt in both of their eyes as you sat on the stool, but it was soon swapped with a look of understanding.  
"Hey Y/n, thanks for comin' out tonight." Jared smiled kindly at you. You plastered on the biggest fake smile you could muster and replied.  
"What? You honestly think I'd miss a movie night with my boys? No way." You tried to sound as enthusiastic as you could. They all gave a forced chuckle, trying to be as positive as they could. You were smiling on the outside, but on the outside you also looked like a used human punching bag and an ex sword juggler. There were a few beats of silence before someone spoke up again. You were hoping this wouldn't come up, but it was Jared, Jensen, and Misha, soon to be Mark too, and it was inevitable that it was going to happen.  
"So... Y/n/n... How are you?" Jensen asked his voice laced with concern, as well as all of their faces. You knew they were taking about you dealing with almost being killed by your mother and fatally beaten by your father, but you had no intentions of making it easy on them.  
"I'm good. Been really tired but all things considered? I think I'm doing pretty damn well." You say in a sweet voice. It sounded partially like a joke, but you at the same time you had tried to make it sound as honest as it could be. They weren't buying it.  
"Y/n/n..." Misha sighed. You knew he was about to continue speaking before there was a knock on the metal door. You shot up from your seat, too quickly for your still healing body's liking, causing a searing pain to shoot through your body. You ignored it as you readjusted yourself and quickly muttered to them.  
"I'll get it!" You walked quickly to the door and opened it to be met face to face with Mark. "Hey Mark, you really have the best timing don't you?" You giggled to yourself, knowing he wouldn't understand why you had said that, considering he was late.  
"But I'm late? Has all that sleep finally gone to your head, sweetheart?" He questioned in his strong British accent. You simple curled your top lip in disapproval and pulled a weird face shaking your head at him, as if to say 'yeah yeah'. You walked back over to your stool and picked up the remote, ready to turn it on as soon as Mark had settled on the couch or in a chair next to Jensen, Jared, and Misha. He sat down and you immediately pressed play. You knew you were avoiding the situation instead of facing it, but you couldn't be weak in front of them anymore. That had happened way to often recently, and it had to stop. 

Halfway through the movie, you had pulled out your phone to scroll through your Instagram and Twitter. Everything seemed normal as you scrolled, looking at the weird selfies and 'aesthetic' posts, until your heart stopped in its tracks. Your breathing quickened and your mind filled with fear. Tears pooled in your eyes as you tapped on the image to enlarge it. The voice of a very worried Jared filled your ears, he must've looked at you as soon as he heard your regular breathing pattern turn into an erratic one.  
"Y/n/n, you alright?" He questioned, but you were too caught in your own thoughts to hear him. You dropped the phone on the floor and pulled your knees to your chest and started to cry aggressively. Why you?! Why did this have to happen to you?! You buried your head in your arms as you sobbed loud and clear. The sound immediately catching everyone's attention. They were all standing within seconds, approaching and kneeling in front of you. Someone touched your knee and you flinched harshly, causing you to sob even harder.  
"Y/n/n, what's wrong?" Someone asked. You couldn't bring yourself to reply, so you said nothing, sitting in the chair, shoulders shaking violently from the Dons ripping from your throat. Mark and Misha had gone and picked up your phone off of the floor, immediately seeing what the problem was. Whilst you were still panicking, distraught, Mark and Misha had tapped on Jared's and Jensen's shoulders, catching both of their attention. As soon as the phone was facing them murmured curse words fell from everyone's mouths as they examined the photo. 

A photo of a brutally beaten, bloody, and stabbed Y/n, being wheeled on a gurney to an ambulance, three distraught men behind her, and her mother and father, both being placed into a police car with silver cuffs around their wrists. There were at least ten photos like this, all of you being either taken to hospital, bloody and bruised, or even a few taken from the window outside of your house of you one the floor with you mother on top of you, knife in hand. 

That's it. The whole world knows how fucking pathetic you are. Everyone's either gonna hate you or pity you. For Christ's sake, why?! Who would do this?! What did you do in your past life that was so bad that you deserved this. Huh? The one thing you needed to keep hidden from everyone was now out in the open, being carelessly retweeted, reblogged, or reposted.

Sympathy, pain, and anger surged through the boys bodies at the sight of the photos. But they needed to be there for you. Someone gently roped their arms around your back and under your legs, lifting you gently, in a way that won't startle or harm you. They take a step over to the couch and sit down, pulling you close to their chests as they start rocking back and forth. Your head is in your hands but you're so overcome with panic and despair that you pull on you hair, ripping out a large amount of your locks. You start to violently hit yourself on the head whilst crying out words no one could really understand due to your cries. You don't get many hits in before your hands are being gently pried from your head and into someone's large, warm hands. Someone else starts running their had through your hair as another beings rubbing your back in a soothing manner. 

You all stay like that for who knows how long before you fall asleep. The man with you in his arms stands slowly and cautiously, so they don't wake you up. You're soon settled down into Jensen's bed and tucked in. Tears stain your cheeks and you eyelids are puffy from crying. The boys watch you in complete silence, sadness taking over the room. You don't deserve this. You never did. How can they help you when you're so damn set on being happy all the time. How can anything get better if you keep everything in until you break? What will actually happen when you finally do break? 

How are going to destroy what's destroying you, when you're doing it to yourself...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So as most of you know, I consider myself to be a huge waste of space. Lately, my 'depression' has caused me to not be able to do anything but stare at walls and breathe. I've come close within the past few week to trying to commit suicide. I've always had a plan to do it and I've attempted once, but it's always been there every day and I have a lot of shit going on in my life right now and I'm finding it hard to convince myself to live everyday. Let's not even get started on the anxiety man. But people in my life are treating me like shit because I have mental health issues. Yesterday, I was accepted into a day rehabilitation centre near a local hospital, so f*ck my life. (Even though I swear in the fics, I don't usually swear in real life.) I'm finding everything hard right now, and writing has been really draining to me and it's hard to bring myself to do anything. That's why this chapter is so late, and I'm so sorry that it took this long. I know I should just deal with it and not throw my problems on to you guys, so for that, I'm so f*cking sorry, too. I'm gonna stop talking now because everything i say means nothing anyway. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for putting up with my lazy ass. I love you all so much. If you ever need to talk, I have an email I'm willing to give out if you want to talk. I also have tumblr: iliketowrite02 and a Twitter: El_130701
> 
> I love you all so much, I am always ALWAYS willing to talk to you. Always keep fighting


	7. Things need to be normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So your mind is set on becoming the girl you were before, but when the people around you feel obligated to feel sorry, you've already made up your mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long. I know you probably hate me but that's okay. 
> 
> Go read now, shoo
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> ...Always Keep Fighting...

You woke up the day after you found the photos, still comfortable in Jensen's bed, but something had changed. You had changed. You couldn't explain the feeling. You just knew, you could no longer burden the only people you have a chance to pretend to be happy around. The boys were the most important thing in your life, as well as the show. But something that was also important to you was your pride. And right now, you had lost all of it, just by being the weak, pathetic person you were. You had shown how truly weak you were within the past few weeks and you would no longer allow it. No more emotion. Especially in front of the boys. 

As soon as your eyes fluttered open, Jensen was by your side. He brushed a stray hair away from your face and smiled lightly at you. "Hey princess, how ya doin?" His tone was soft and calming with a hidden hint of sympathy behind it. You so badly wanted to crawl into his arms and take the comfort he was offering, but the stubborn you was coming back into light, and there was no way to push it down. You had tone strong. Well, at least look strong. You quickly dismissed his sympathy by pulling out a signature 'happy' smile.   
"I'm good, Jens. How are you?" You emphasised the word you and your voice was returning back to its mischievous self, with the stubbornness starting to harden itself again. Jensen sighed. He knew that you would do this. Act like everything's okay. He just didn't know when. Obviously, now was the time your unbelievably amazing acting would come into play.   
"Sweetheart... You know you don't have to do that. You don't have to act like-" No. Nope. He wasn't going to find out. You couldn't let him find out that's what you're doing. It's not an option.   
"I'm not doing anything, Jensen." Your brows had furrowed in slight annoyance and your voice laced with the same hidden annoyance. You knew he just cared for you. But you were sick of being useless, having to depend on other people. Your whole life you'd spent fending for yourself, and you didn't want to change anything. It proved you were strong and could deal on your own, without having to be dependant on other people. 

Jensen knew that right now, you weren't going to talk. He didn't know when you were going to, but he felt the intense need to coax you out of it before you return to the girl you used to be. The one who was always happy. So carefree and pure. He questions how much of your happiness was real, if it ever was. But in your mind, you had no doubts that you could convince them, that's who you really were.   
"Right..." He sighed. He ran a hand over his face and took in a deep breath, composing himself. "Well, I have filming starting in half an hour I just came to see how you were." You looked over at the clock and it read half past eleven in the morning. You pushed yourself into a sitting position and yawned out.   
"Alright. I should be there in half an hour to an hour." You threw your feet gently over the side of the bed in preparation to stand, when Jensen stood in front of you, hands up, prepared to settle you back down by your shoulders if you tried to get up.   
"Woah, Y/n. I get you wanna go back but, I think you need some time to let yourself. Physically, and emotionally." He knew it's not something you'd like to hear, but it had to be said.   
"I don't need to heal from anything. I'm perfectly capable of doing my job." Your voice was strict and Shared no room for argument.   
"I didn't say you weren't, Y/n, what I said was-"   
"So then what's the problem? I'm going to set today. End of discussion." You stood from the bed and strode past Jensen and started to head towards your trailer. You knew you were being rough, but if you weren't, he wouldn't have taken no for an answer. You had to show him you were capable of taking care of yourself. 

You were surprised at how well you had done this morning. Managing to get yourself out of bed despite the fact that you wanted to do nothing more than sleep until your flesh turned to ash. Now that you were alone, you realised how drained you felt. How nothing felt important. How you weren't overcome by sadness at the thought of your parents. How you didn't care your whole body was screaming in pain. How you felt.... Absolutely nothing. You were numb, completely overcome by nothingness. You looked around your trailer for something -anything- that could make you feel, until your mind flew to the answer you'd been turning to since you were eleven. Your razor. You quickly walked to your trailers bathroom and pulled out your feminine hygiene box. You opened the lid and came face to face with your longest lasting friend. You decided being s few minutes later than you were going to be wouldn't make a difference, considering you weren't even expected to go for the next week. You close your bathroom door and lock it, sliding down the frame, only to be met with the cold floor. You pulled your sleeve up your arm and gripped the blade tightly in your opposite hand. You clench your hand into a fist and bring the blade to the skin. You let out a deep breath and quickly pressed down on your wrist and swiped the blade across, immediately drawing blood. You let out a hiss of pain, this cut being deeper than the usual, but you felt the same satisfaction. Hmm... You brought the blade back to your arm and re positioned it, drawing in a few breaths and lashing it across again. The pain left as quickly as it came, leaving you I satisfied, despite the fact that you were going deeper then you usually were, you felt... Nothing. You began growing frustrated at the lack of feeling and start to push harder, drag longer, and hold your breath. Time seemed to pass in a blur of frustration and despair. You soon come back into focus and the first thing you notice is the sharp pains running up and down both sides of your left arm. You slowly look down and what you see actually scares you a bit. You'd never gone this deep. Ever. You had over forty long, jagged, deep as hell lines, scattered across your non dominant arm. You weren't used to seeing this. They looked like the needed stitches. They were bleeding profusely and A majority of them were so large, you could clearly see the layer of fat that lies directly below the skin. You start to panic but manage to calm yourself after closing your eyes and a long few breaths. 

You quickly stood and opened the bathroom cabinet, containing multiple personal hygiene products, along with a multitude of bandages. You pull one out and tightly wrap it around your arm. The panic had left your body by now and you were left with a deep sense of satisfaction. It didn't last long before you remembered that you declared to be on set in less than an hour. You ran out of the bathroom and went straight for the closet, pulling out your characters -Haven- clothing. Luckily for you, Haven always wore a jacket. Also luckily for you, you had read the script and knew exactly the scene you were doing. It was supposed to be a big emotional scene between Haven, Sam, Dean, and Castiel. You hated doing emotional scenes, but they seemed to take a toll on everyone. Besides, there was only a few days of filming left until the conventions started and you didn't start the season after this one for five months after that. And although most of the time was spent at conventions, you had at least a month to spend with your-... Loved ones...

You rushed to clothe yourself and as soon as your jacket was on and you had put on minimal concealer to hide whatever bruises and cuts you could from the makeup ladies, you were pacing your way to hair and makeup. It seemed like everyone who worked behind the scenes, on set, or in the cast knew what had happened to you, but you knew how to plaster on a fake smile and act fine. So that's what you were going to do. And most people who have any decency, wouldn't dare ask about anything. Let alone bring it up. So, I think we're safe in that sense Y/n. 

Hair and makeup went by without a hitch and no one dared to mention or bring up anything to do with your current predicament. You gave them a slight wave as you left the trailer and thanked them as you jotted down the three steps onto the pathway and made your way to where they were currently filming. There was no doubt that Jensen had told them you were coming, so you expect that they'll throw you into the scenes as soon as you arrive. 

Taking a quick glance left and right to check if anyone was there, you turn right, heading towards the crowd of set directors, cameras, and actors. You walk over and stand next to Mark, who had had his back towards you, until now. "Y/n?" He whispered, his voice sounded thoroughly confused.   
"In the flesh." You whisper back giving him a slight smirk. You turn your attention back towards Jared, Jensen, and Misha. Or should you say, Sam, Dean, and Castiel. You completely missed the worry some glance Mark had given you after you had turned a way.   
"What scene are we up to?" You lean over to Mark and ask, voice low.   
"Uhhh.... I'm pretty sure it's a new scene they added in.." Mark stated quietly. Your brows furrow in confusion and you let out a breathy laugh. New scene? What do you mean?  
"New scene?" You question, "What new scene? I wasn't informed of a new scene?" You stood there, wrapping your brain, trying to come up with a reason for a new scene until it hits you. "They took them out.." You say to yourself, loud enough so that mark could hear. Sadness grips your body tightly and refuses to let go and for once, you'd rather feel numb instead. They took out your scenes. They... They didn't think you were good enough to do your scenes... They don't think you're good enough. 

Tears start to form in your eyes and Mark gently touches your shoulder. You flinch violently and step backwards. "They took out my scenes?" You ask Mark, you voice no longer a whisper, but not overly loud.   
"Now, Y/n, you have to let them explain-" Mark talks before he is interrupted by you.   
"You took my damn scenes out?!" Yep, you were yelling, but it wasn't a loud yell, it was a pathetic, voice cracking yell. Although, it was loud enough that everyone else in the room would've heard it. You heard the director yell cut in the background but you continued to walk slowly backwards, shaking your head in denial. Your director, Robert, got down from his seat and made his way over to you. "Hey Y/n." He said sympathetically. You had no want for sympathy, so you pushed it away.   
"You took my scenes out?" You questioned. Anyone who could hear would be able to tell you're pissed off, but you tried your hardest to cover it. He was your director after all.   
"Yes. But the only reasoning for that, was because Jensen, Jared, and Misha, in fact, most of us, thought it would be better if you had the rest of filming off." At the mention of their names, all sadness left your body and was replaced with anger and disappointment. You turned away from Rob, straightened your back and walked away, leaving everyone behind you. 

How dare they? Who do they think they are? They can't control me. Who gave them the right to decide what's best for me. The old you, oh, well, you call her the old you. What you mean is, the person everyone knew you as before it was revealed that you had a shitty family, she was always so upbeat and happy. You never saw a frown on her face (unless you were filming). You never saw her sad. She was never sad, even if you were. She did do a good job at being pissed if she needed to, though. You rarely ever got mad before. The only time you'd yelled at someone was when you found new set members sneaking around in your trailer. Let's just say they heard what was on your mind, and also lost their jobs that day. 

You walked towards your trailer and ignored the calls of your name coming from the inevitable trio. You heard their footsteps turn into stuttered jogs as they tried to get to you before you can lock them out. Again. At this moment, you didn't care if they wanted to talk to you or not. You only cared about becoming the person they used to know you as. God, why did this have to happen to you. Why did you have to have shit parents. Why did you have to get beaten to the brink of death. Why didn't the only people who are supposed to love you, not love you. What happened. But when you think about it, Y/N, do you know what every. Single. Shitty thing in your life has in common? You. They all involve you. You're the problem. Only you. 

"Hey, Y/n, wait up." You couldn't tell exactly who it was that was calling for you, but you assumed it was one of the three musketeers. Before you had time to climb the stairs to your trailer, a firm hand was on your shoulder. It wasn't enough to hurt you, but it was enough to make you panic. You swung around and weakly hit the hand off your arm.   
"Don't touch me!" You whimpered. Your voice wavering. Jared's hands were immediately in a surrender position and you instantly felt guilty for making them uncomfortable.   
"Sorry...sorry. Uh," you sighed, recomposing yourself. "What is it?" You questioned, tone light and a smile on your face.   
"Umm... Well, we wanted to say that we're sorry-" ugh thank god they were apologising for not thinking you weren't- "that you don't understand-" and there it was. "Why we did what we did. But, y/n we're all worried about you and we felt as if you deserved time to rest and...adjust." Misha spoke.   
"Adjust to what, guys. Everything's the same." You smiled through the lie and hoped it didn't look like you were grimacing.   
"Y/n... You know you can trust us right?" Jensen asked. Fuck! Did he know? No he couldn't know. No one could know. How the hell would anyone find this out? They must be talking about something else. There's no way they knew about your...release.   
"Uhhh....yeah? What's going on with you guys?" You forced a laugh and kept your smile small and steady.   
"We just feel as if you haven't really given yourself the opportunity to mourn or...feel anything. You haven't actually cried about the whole situation. You've never spoken to anyone. And we're worried that if-" phew. Okay so they didn't know about the cutting... But this was just as bad. They were feeling sorry for you, all because you're a fucking bitch who couldn't handle a little discipline.   
"Stop! Seriously! I'm not completely useless! You think I don't know this?!" You probably sounded harsher then you intended to be, but they don't need to know how messed up you are. 'Facade, Y/n, facade! Happy happy happy. You let out a sigh and calm yourself down, preparing to be strong again. No more weakness. And now is the time to prove it. "Look. I know you're worried. I get it, I do, but there comes a point where I need to move on, and I have. And I think everyone else should too." Your voice was kind and full of false hope. But you were praying to whatever is out there that they just believed it. You saw their shoulders slump as they sighed in defeat.   
"Okay... But we're here. If you need anything. I mean anything." Jared sounded so concerned and unconvinced at your attempt to pretend that everything was okay, but you won, nevertheless.   
"I know that Jared. I always have." You smiled at them. "Uhh, well, I was going to get changed, so if you don't mind.." You motioned to your door behind you and started walking backwards up the steps.   
"Oh okay... See ya 'round Y/n." Misha's was defeated. They all were.   
"See you guys later okay?" You flashed them a bigger smile and opened the door, stepping in and shutting it gently behind you. 

MISHAS POV:

Everyone knew Y/n was good at acting. But not this good. If we didn't know any better, we would've thought she was actually, genuinely happy. But we knew better. She was hurting. And there was nothing we could do about it. She didn't want to talk, and the only thing we can do is wait until she's ready. She acts like she feels nothing but joy, but her smile never reaches her eyes, and I wonder, in all the years we've known her, if it was ever real. Hell, if I was in her situation there's no way I could feel any form on enjoyment. This world would be damned. 

I don't think she knows how important she is and that worries all of us. It worries me especially because she's a stubborn kid and won't admit any emotion in the -wrong- assumption that it will make her somehow weak. She's like a damn female Dean Winchester! It scares me to think that if Dean has the alcohol and the sex...what does she have to drown herself in?.. 

What Y/n said before hit myself, Jensen, and Jared like a ton of bricks. When Jared told her we were here if she needed anything, she smiled and said 'I know Jared, I always have.' I always have. If she's always known, wouldn't she have told us before? How long has this even been going on? If she hid this so well,what else could she have (and be) hiding? I feel guilty for not realising sooner. It's not fair to her. It's not her fault. But how do we show her that when she has her eyes and ears glued shut to the outside world, and only shows the fake happiness she is radiating?

Jared, Jensen, and I -hell, everyone who knows anything- are all worried about her, and I can't help but wonder how she's going to handle conventions. The conventions start in five days and if I'm being honest? Five days isn't enough time for her to think straight. I just hope we can coax her to lean on us when she needs to. Because I can't imagine being abused by the people who were supposed to love you, being admitted to hospital in a coma, with broken bones and a broken mind, and feeling as if it was all her fault. She's carrying the weight of the damn world on her shoulders because she refuses to let anyone help her. All this at the same time as conventions, having to put on a brave face and pretend you're not hurting, would fucking suck. Who knows what else Y/n/n could be going through right now? We know she has anxiety, so add that on, and there is no way in hell, that she doesn't have depression. We would know. Whilst Jared, Jensen and I were comforting her in her trailer a few weeks ago, what she now refers to as 'a little bit of worrying', I walked to her bedside to grab the glass of water when I came past her anti anxiety and anti depressant medications. She doesn't know that, but as soon as I was alone with Jens and Jay, I told them what I'd seen. They seemed to have expected it too, but I can't imagine what it's like now. 

I just hope she doesn't do anything she'll regret...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I know it's shorter but it's been kinda hard. Not gonna try and explain. BUT! I have planned some dramatic shit for the next few chapters but it might start out slowish. Anyway, tell me what you think. Always Keep Fighting ❤️


	8. What have you done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A phone call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone actually want to read this anymore? I feel like no one likes this.
> 
>  
> 
> I don't know.

There's three days until the convention starts and you can't wait to get away from everyone and everything. The boys, who may you point out, have always been protective of you, have gone into full blown guard mode. Being constantly smothered and asked 'are you okay?' Is really damn irritating. You've been giving them hints here and there as if to say, 'can you stop' or 'go away', but they never catch on. You've forgiven them for asking to cut your scenes, of course you forgive them, but it doesn't mean you've forgotten. 

Your bruises and cuts, along with the broken bones, are healing. But they're taking their time. You can't wait for this to be over, to be healed enough to not walk and be in pain, sit and be in pain, breathe and be in pain. However painful it may be, throwing on a smile and holding back cries of pain and grimaces seems to do the job with easing people's worries a bit. With only three days left until the con, you've almost perfected the art of being 'okay'. Most people believe you now, and you feel like with a few more days, you'll have fooled the guys as well. 

Currently, you were sitting in what everyone liked to call the 'viewing room'. There was a large to screen surrounded by couches and beanbags. You were currently on a single person couch, curled in on yourself, watching a preview of the up coming episode. The one you were no longer in. Most of the regular cast was there, and ever since your teenage bitch fit, people have been walking around you like you were about to blow constantly. Staring at the screen, your face was in a scowl as you watched the scene which was supposed to end the season with your character arguing with the others. Now, it was them saying you had disappeared. As soon as the episode finished, they all burst into cheer at the successful closing of another great season. Yeah. It was great. 

For them. 

Everyone filed out of the room slowly, saying their goodbyes and good nights. You however, stayed in place, not moving your eyes from the screen which was now painted black. Before you knew it, you were alone. No one said goodnight. No one hugged you. No one congratulated you. Nothing. Because why would they. You were you. God, why did you ever think you were important. What a fucking joke. A tear trickled down your cheek. Followed by another. And another. And soon, you were silently crying. Alone. Your face didn't look contorted in sadness or disappointment, it just looked tired. And that's what you were. Tired. You were tired of everything. The depression, the anxiety, the show, the constant mental and physical torture you were in. You hated it all. 

"Sweetheart?" The sweet accent broke through your haze and you turned your head enough to see Ruth standing in the doorway. You quickly wiped the tears away with the sleeve of your hoodie and smiled up at her.  
"Hey Ruthie." She moved closer to you and sat on the edge of the couch. She wrapped her arm around your shoulder and pulled you close.  
"You okay, sweetie?" She kindly questioned. You forced a breathy giggle and quickly came up with a lie.  
"Yeah I'm good. Just a little sad the seasons over, that's all." She nodded in response.  
"You know we love you Y/n/n." Of course. More pity. You decided to make this a quick conversation after all.  
"I know." You smiled up at her and she pulled you in a bit tighter. The conversation seemingly ended there. You both sat for a minute or two before she decided it was best for her to go to bed, seeing as she had to plan in the morning, of course you agreed and let her go do what she had to do. But the feeling of absolute nothing was rising, and in a desperate plead to feel better, you reached for the bottle, then the blade. 

JENSENS POV:

Jared, Misha, Mark and I were heading towards a local bar to celebrate the finale of the season. The other cast members had decided to head in for the night, knowing full well that we had a busy day of planning tomorrow, but us boys just couldn't turn down a good celebratory drink. The bar was near empty and we were half thankful for the fact that there were no interruptions. Don't get me wrong, we all fucking adore the fans, but it was boys night. Hell, it was cast night. The whole cast deserved a well earned drink. Everyone was beaming at the preview, not a frown in sight. Well, minus Y/n. She wasn't frowning, per say, you could just tell that when she smiled, it was hard for her. Wait.. Y/n... Fuck!  
"Guys" I rubbed my palms over my eyes and ran a hand through my hair, wondering how I - we - could be so ignorant. We didn't even ask if she was okay...  
"Whats up Jens?" Jared questioned, worry evident in his voice. He knew what I looked like when I felt stressed or worried, and I could only imagine how guilty I looked right now.  
"We left Y/n." I could feel the atmosphere change around me, as if everyone suddenly felt the guilt that I did. We had been so caught up in the finale, we completely left out our favourite girl. The past few days had been hard. We seemed to be bothering her a lot. She always wanted to get rid of us for some reason. I don't know why, but we all felt responsible for helping her, even though she never accepted it. I could hear muttered profanities as the news sunk in.  
"Well, guess we'll have to come back once we get our girl, it's not too far to drive back and pick 'er up." Mark said. We all agreed and walked silently back to the car. 

The whole ride was quiet, until Misha spoke up. "What do you guys think about Y/n going to the conventions?" His tone was cautious, like he knew it was a sensitive subject. Jared sighed,  
"I don't know, man. I feel like she needs a break but knowing Y/n, she's not gonna take no for an answer." We couldn't tell if Y/n was genuinely happy anymore, she'd kept up the happy act for so long, it felt normal. Real. If it was fake of not, no one knew, at least not anymore.  
"Maybe we should have a chat with her, ya know, try see how she feels about it. I know it's a long shot in getting her to talk, but I guess it's worth a try you know?" Jensen spoke. Everyone hummed in agreement.  
"She's gotta be in pain, man. I mean, broken ribs, her shoulder, the bruises, the cuts, I can't imagine." Mark added. "And who knows how much pain she's in mentally. You guys have told me how bad that day was with her when she had the panic attack. I can only think that that wasn't the only time it happened. And that was before-... What I'm trying to say is, She may not be as safe as she seems." He adds. He's right. We all know he's right. There's no ways she's not having those attacks, and considering the fact that she has depression too? .... Maybe, just maybe, she'd take a much needed, much deserved break. Hell, the girl hasn't had a break from her own personal hell for what seems to be forever. I can't imagine how she feels about it. 

We pulled up to the street and headed back to the viewing room, deciding it was the last place we saw her, may as well start here. We walked in to find it empty and we all knew that she'd be in her trailer. We quickly trotted over to her trailed and knocked on the door. It took almost a minute for her to respond, and when she did, no one liked what they saw. 

Y/n was drunk off her ass. I jerked forward and caught her as she stumbled down the steps and she giggled as she let her body drop and me hold her up. "Heyyyy boys." She giggled. We all silently agreed to have a talk about this later, along with the convention talk. Right now, she needed...fuck I don't even know.  
"Y/n, why are you drinking? You're 16!" I barked. Yeah I was pissed, but this was the only was I could show I cared in this moment.  
"Woahhh JenJen, calm ya tits." She burst into giggles and then slurred, "I'm Dean!" She looks up at the sky and stuck her tongue out. Oh god she was off her rocker.  
"What?" Misha questioned. She looked at him with shocked eyes and then replied,  
"I'm drinking my problems away." She laughed like she just told the funniest joke in the universe but we all stayed silent, dread filling out bodies as her drunken, but honest words sunk in. "Lemme go." She pushed herself out of my hold and sat on the floor. She then continued to attempt to do a rollie pollie but failed miserably. She continued her attempts at rollie pollies as she mumbled the tune to the song they use in action movies when they're sneaking around. "Duh nuh nahhhhh da na naaaaaa da na naaaa du na." She was rolling on the ground around her trailer and most of us had started chuckling slightly at how she was behaving. She soon bumped into Marks leg and let out an 'oof' before she gasped and whisper yelled, "I've been caught! Roll awayyy!" She continued to put her arms above her head and straighten her legs and start rolling in the opposite direction. I decided that it was time for her to get to bed and I walked towards her continuously twirling body.  
"Okay I think it's bed time for you, Missy." I say as I pick her up with ease and sling her over my shoulder. She let out a squeal and continued to giggle as I walked. Whilst I headed to the trailer, she smacked Mishas ass. "Hmmm..." She then smacked Marks ass, "hmmm..." Jared was next, "HMMMM...." She then grabbed my ass firmly and yelled "TEN OUTTA TEN MISTER JEN-CHEN!" She laughed, continuing to pat my ass gently like a bongo. It wasn't a sexual touch, just a... drunken Y/n touch. 

As soon as I laid her on the bed her eyes began drooping. She sighed in content and snuggled further into the soft mistress and blankets. She gently ran a finger down my face. "I love you guys, you know that?" She yawned as her eyes closed, and before we could answer, she was off. 

YOUR POV:

You woke up feeling pretty good, a little tired, but pretty good, Physically. Considering how much you had to drink last night, you half expected to be retching over the toilet right now. You felt okay physically. But mentally, you knew it was going to be one of those days. One of those days that you can't do anything other than self harm or panic. Your panic attacks, if it was possible, had gotten worse over the past few weeks. As well as coming more regularly. They could show up at any time, right now, felt like one of those times. Sometimes things triggered them. Sometimes they just happened, but by the time it had started it was to late to try and stop it, and you never remembered why you were panicking in the first place. 

Maybe it was because you were worried about the boys. Maybe it was because of the fans and publicity. Maybe it was the fact that you had forced yourself to keep it together so long that it was inevitable for you to break. Yeah, it was definitely all of the above. At least you were alone. Usually, you were surrounded by over grown man children and had to find a way to escape for an hour or more. They never seemed to think twice when you say you have something to do or you just need an hour to think. But during that seemingly innocent time, you were in pure pain. 

You don't know how, or when you'd gotten up, but you were currently pacing around your trailer, hands and legs shaking violently. You felt the panic start to bubble to the surface as you continued to attempt to calm yourself down, to no avail. The next hour, or more likely two, were going to be hell. Your chest tightened and your breathing became shallow pants and gasps. You felt like your lungs were desperate for air, but you could take nothing in. You needed air, but you couldn't get it. Your teeth clenched and your eyes shut tightly as you tilted your head back, desperately trying to stop the pain. It's like your body had a mind of its own. You were shaking aggressively and your body felt as if it was closing in on itself. Your hands flew up to your hair and you pulled with all your might, managing to pull a significant amount of hair painfully from your head. But you couldn't stop. Your breathing seemed to worsen as you started to cry and absentmindedly whimper. 

'Everybody hates me. They hate me. I hate me. I Shouldn't be here. I don't belong here, I never belonged here. You fucked up. You always do. What's wrong with you? It's all you. You. You! You're the fuck up! You don't deserve to live! Your parents were good to you! They're the only ones who'd ever love you! You were lucky. You didn't deserve their love. You deserved pain. You deserve pain. No one needs you. Face it Y/n, your not wanted. No, you're not needed. You're a burden. You're weak. This is all your fault! If you were good enough, they'd be happy. You'd be happy. But you're not. Not good enough. Not good enough. Never good enough. Do something right for once. Go. And. Kill. Yourse-'

"STOOOPPPPPPPP!!" You screamed as you fell to your knees and bang your head as hard as you could on the floor, your hands still ripping at your hair. Your sobs turned into wails of pain, but not a physical kind. You couldn't breathe, but somehow your body could manage to suffocate you more by allowing you to continue to wail. You gasped for air, but nothing seemed to enter your lungs. Harsh breaths caused you to cough, and adding this to the desperate crying and sputtering gasps and pants -which had been going on for who knows how long now- caused your stomach to retch and bile to spill all over the floor. The familiar sting burned at your throat, somehow making you cry harder. You continued to throw up bile and acid for over a minute before even the bile ran out, and you were just dry heaving. You fell onto your side as you begged for everything to stop. But it never did. Your whole body was vibrating dramatically, not only from the sobs ripping themselves from your body, but from pure fear and panic. 

You saw your phone through your blurry eyes as you hit your head against the ground again. You reached for it quickly. You needed someone. You were going to die. You couldn't breathe. You wanted to die. You want to die. Air. You need air. It took god knows how long to unlock it, considering your hands were trembling like a leaf. You opened the contacts and pressed the first number your finger came into contact with. Who it was, you didn't know, or care. You just needed the desperation to end. Your crying had stopped but your breathing pace had picked up and you were still sobbing, but with no tears. Your breath intakes were so sharp, the caused you to dry heave painfully again. The dial tone filled your ears as you pressed the speaker button. In your panicking mind, you remember something that was supposed to bring you relief was so close to you, just in the bathroom, actually. You realised you shouldn't have called just as they pick up.  
"Hey Y/n! How's your hangover?" Jared's voice joked lightly. His tone immediately changed as he heard your stuttered and sharp gasps over the line, along with an occasional bang, pained whimpers and small wails. "Y/n where are you? What's wrong?" His voice boomed. You couldn't answer, you curled in on yourself as paralysing thoughts continued to race through your mind. You were beginning to become lightheaded, weather from the constant smashing of your head on the cold, hard floor, or because of the lack of breathing, you didn't know. You didn't care. "Y/n/n I'm coming to your trailer, okay? I'm coming right now baby, don't hang up on me sweetheart." Jared coo'd comfortingly but loud enough to show his concern and determination.  
"Sto-op-p." You cried out to no one. You rolled onto your back and pulled your hair out as hard as you could. Your hands balled into fists as you seemed to protect yourself from no one. Your body shook and heaved on the floor, waiting for deaths embrace. It seemed like your crying had decided to make itself known again, and you were quickly a sobbing mess. Your throat made heart breaking involuntary noises of pain and despair. Your crying was now louder then anything and they soon turned into small, panicked, screaming sobs.  
"Y/n? Y/n please. I'm coming right now. I'm coming, okay? Jay and Misha are here, sweetie, we're gonna help you. Were gonna- Y/n? What was that? Y/n, what are you doing?! Y/n?!" Jared had heard multiple bangs over your cries and the shower had started running in the background.  
You had somehow stumbled to the bathroom and opened the cupboards and collected your razors, and slammed the small doors shut. You crawled over and into the shower, blasting on the hot water. It took a second, but before you knew it, the scorching water was burning at your skin. You gasped harshly, trying to get any air you could into your body. Your logic knew you were having a panic attack, and that you weren't dying, but the logic in you wasn't working. It was overpowered by anxiety, fear, and emptiness. 

You took off your jacket and ripped off your pants and threw them out of the shower door onto the floor. Your arms and legs were covered in dark red, thick scars. But they were covered in even more deep, jagged cuts. More than less of them needed stitches. You clutched to the razor like a lifeline, the phone call long forgotten. Without thinking, you push down as hard as you can on your leg and swipe it across. The blood rises immediately and quickly drips into the steaming water. You do it again, and again, until your legs are completely coated in blood. You didn't know this, but it only took you fourty seconds to make that much damage. If someone didn't show up, and quickly, you might do just as much damage, to much more vital veins. In your arms. You tear the razor across your arm and the Crimson pours out. You don't feel the pain. Your desperate. You need to fix this. You run the razor over your lower and upper arm, in sharp, hard, jagged movements, causing blood to clot in the gaping wounds. They're bleeding profusely, but it doesn't look like you've hit anything vital. Or you'd have been dead by now. You were just dizzy. Your breath was still rugged and you seemed to be wailing loudly. Your body fills with even more panic as you look around and all you see is blood. Your parents. 'They must be here. They're- they're trying to kill me!' You clutch your arm and bring it tightly against your chest. Your breaths get shallower and faster, and you scream as loud as you can.  
"WHATS HAPPENING?!!!" You exclaim after your scream. You hear a loud crash in the background, and pray it's someone here to save you. 

JAREDS POV:

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. As soon as I couldn't hear Y/n over the phone anymore, I lost my shit. I was sprinting as fast as I could, along with Jensen and Misha. I had explained to them that she'd called and she needed us as we ran along. We had been on the other side of the set, which was at least two kilometres away. We all ran as fast as we could, ignoring our protesting limbs. Once we reached her trailer, no one bothered knocking, I just shoved the door until it gave out and I pushed myself into her trailer. Then we heard her scream. "WHATS HAPPENING?!!!" She cried after she screamed. Her phone was on the floor, along with what I could definitely tell was puke, but there was no Y/n. Her bathroom door was open and there was steam creeping out into the open. I didn't hesitate to sprint the short distance to the bathroom, but nothing I did or had done, could've prepared me to see what I saw next. 

Blood. Blood is the first thing I saw. I then see Y/n, almost fully clothed in the shower, covered in... Blood. I quickly stalked over to the shower and it was like my body was in shock. A razor sat beside her, and she- she was covered in deep, jagged cuts. Holy fuck. "What have you done.." I whispered in shock. At my voice, she immediately looked up with eyes full of panic. She was gasping and whimpering, shaking like there was an earthquake no one else could feel.  
"Jared!" She yelled. Her arms flew our in front of her in a desperate attempt to reach me, and for me to pick her up. I didn't hesitate to bend down and attempt to reach her, until the water burned my skin. "Shit!" I cursed, grasping the shower handle and pushing it down, turning the shower off. Y/n was still panicking and trying to grab me. I leaned down and picked her up under her arms and into mine with ease. She clutched to me painfully tight, but I didn't care.  
"Jared. Jared. Jared. Jared. Jared." She whimpered. She just seemed to have my name stuck on repeat like a broken CD player. I'm so afraid, but I know I have to get her to calm down before we do anything else. She gripped at my hair tightly as I replied. "Baby what did you do. What have you done.." I sit down on the bed, her still in my arms. There's blood dripping on the floor, onto the bed, and now onto me, but I don't give a damn shit. Once I'm sitting, it must be the first time Jensen and Misha had seen her, considering that a string of profanities and 'oh my god's' fall from their mouth. They both rushed over towards your tiny, broken figure. Broken. 

They were both too scared to touch you, but their hands hovered over everywhere they would've touched if they weren't so afraid. "Call Nathan, now." I demand. Nathan was the paramedic on the set of supernatural. I knew if there were more people or that if she was taken to hospital she'd break. So, I knew Nathan could stitch her up when she's ready and we could keep it confidential between the supernatural family. Jensen quickly pulls out his phone and hurridly dialled for Nathan. He steps outside to explain as quickly as he can what's happened and why he's needed, whilst I try to calm her, and Misha starts to apply pressure to some of the deeper wounds.  
"Hey sweetheart, can you breathe for me? That's it deep breath. You're okay now. Were gonna help you. Deep breaths Y/n/n." I coo. Her crying stops first, leaving her gasping, trying in vain to breathe again for what must've felt like the first time in forever. Once the first full lung full was in, I could see that you felt your anxiety immediately lessen. You could breathe. Well, at least a little more than before. The breaths were still shaking and occasionally would hitch or there would be a small gasp, but you could deal with that. "You're so brave Y/n/n. You're so brave for calling me. I'm So proud of you. I'm so proud of you." I say, brushing your hair gently out of your face. You keep a tight grip on me, and I let you. I didn't want to let you go. I never wanted to let you go. You were in so much pain, that this is what happened. And none of us had seen it.  
"Jared..." She whimpered. I felt a pang in my chest as I heard how shattered she sounded.  
"I'm right here, Y/n. I'm right here."  
"Don't leave me..."  
"Never."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me if I'm wasting my time with writing this. I don't know if people read my work unless they comment, and not many people are commenting anymore. I feel like my writing is such a waste of time. I don't know what to do anymore. I love this series. I want to keep writing. But if no one likes it, why should I? Because due to my anxiety, (if you have anxiety you'll know what I'm talking about) I make myself believe things that sometimes aren't true. But I honestly don't know anymore. Thankyou to the people who still are commenting, but I'd like to know if anyone actually likes this. I'm not doing well lately. I feel as if I wasting your time. Anyway. It doesn't matter. 
> 
> Ps: if you'd like to be notified when a chapter is posted, please let me know and I can message you when a new chapters out (well, I can try)


	9. Make me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, this chapter is pretty short guys. I just need to get back into the swing of things.

Nathan, the set paramedic, arrived not long after Jensen had called him. Jared was still rocking you back and forth whilst you sniffled and silently whimpered, occasionally taking in a sharp breath. He was rocking you gently back and forth, now that you weren't hysterically panicking. Even when Nathan arrived and put you under a pain medication which causes you to sleep, Jared never left your side. Jensen had gone to get some air and a few minutes after he left, Misha went to find him, to offer some sort of comfort. Jared helped position you so the paramedic could stitch you up with as much ease as possible. Occasionally, you would whine or groan, and Jared would run his fingers through your damp hair and gently shush you. Jared's mind was running a thousand miles a minute. Thoughts of how he could help, if only you weren't so stubborn. Thoughts of how often this had happened and you'd not called anyone. It killed him to see you in this much pain, and he knew when you woke up properly, you'd brush it off, as if it's not important or nothing happened. But on, he knew better. He wasn't going to let you sweep it under the rug more,he isn't going to let you ignore it anymore, and he wasn't going to either. 

It took almost two hours and over seventy stitches to close all the severe wounds. Whilst he was there, he decided to check on your ribs, shoulder, and other injuries from...past events. Your bruises were fading into a light shade of purple, although some of them still looked as bright as Barney the dinosaur. The stab in your shoulder was healing nicely, but slowly. Your ribs on the other hand, were grinding against his fingers as he put pressure on them. They would need a while to heal. He guessed it was because they had been broken and re broken so many times, it was starting to take a toll on how it healed itself. After Nathan bandaged you up, he left some pain medication behind and took off. Jared thought of putting you into bed and going to find Misha and Jensen, but decided otherwise. He didn't want you to wake up alone and terrified. He didn't want you to be alone. So, he gently stood -with you still in his arms- and cradled you close to his chest whilst he slowly headed towards the door and out of it. He walked down the few steps onto the concrete path, and started to head towards his own trailer. A small crowd of people had gathered around the area of the trailer, most of them being cast members. As they saw your small frame in Jared's arms, covered in bandages and your small amount of clothing being coated in dried blood, they all felt dread fill their body. Not everyone knew what had happened, heck, not many people there knew at all, all they knew, was that it wasn't good. 

JAREDS POV:

Despite the looks from the others, I continued walking towards my trailer, my long strides and dedication to get there quickly causing us to arrive in record time. I quickly shit the door behind me with my leg and walked over and settled you down onto the large bed. I sigh and run my hands through my long hair and then drag them over my face. I decide to sit down on a small couch chair next to the bed and let my head rest in my hands. What am I going to do. What could I do? You were so set on being the one who's always okay, I don't know how to make you accept anyone's, let alone my help. A few tears filled my eyes at the though of how much you must've been hurting to do this to yourself. I heard my door creak open and two pairs of feet enter.  
"Hey man.." Jensen. I quickly wiped my eyes and tilted my head to the side to look at him. Misha walked in behind, shutting the door gently, not wanting to wake you or startle you. I didn't know what to say to them. Saying 'hey' is such a normal thing to say, but this isn't a normal situation. I decided to go straight to the point. I knew we were gonna get there eventually, might as well just get it over with.  
"Why? Why didn't she come to us?" I questioned sadly as they took a seat on another two person couch facing mine. They both sighed.  
"Honestly? I don't know." Jensen replies, his tone low with no enthusiasm.  
"Maybe she's scared. I mean, her parents may have been shit people, but they raised her. It was everything she knew. And now, it's just gone. She's jumpy, flinches at everything, but I can't even blame her. I'd be constantly terrified if I was in her shoes. I can tell she's been trying to distance herself from everyone whenever she can. Whether that's because she's uncomfortable or feels unsafe, or going through attacks like these ones, I'm not sure. But she's trying to be okay, just for the sake of everyone else, not for herself. It has to be hard." Misha tells. Just as he finishes, you lightly groan in bed. The boys heads quickly turn to you, and Jared is up and by your side within seconds, clasping your cold hand. "Y/n/n?" He questions. You only whine in response, causing the boys to smile sympathetically. You had never been a big talker when you woke up, you were always sleepy and confused for the first half hour after you woke up. It was adorable. I watched as your eyes reluctantly open, immediately flickering to the familiar faces in the room. Once you'd seen everyone, you groaned and shut your eyes again, snuggling back into the covers and wrapping your whole body around my lower arm. Sure it was kind of an uncomfortable position, but I could deal with it. I knew you wouldn't fall back to sleep, no matter how tired you were. You never really could.  
"Sorry Y/n, did I wake you?" Misha questioned softly. She pulled my arm in closer and groaned out a small 'no'.  
"How you feelin' sweetheart?" Jensen asked sadly as he rubbed his hand over her blanket covered shoulder gently.  
"I feel bad." Was all you said. You eyes still shut and your words slurred. We all watched you intently, hating how the only time you would talk honestly, was when you were tired. My brows furrowed and I clenched my jaw in sadness. I used the arm you weren't coddling and ran my fingers through your hair gently, eliciting a happy noise from you. I knew as soon as you were aware enough, you'd try and dismiss our worries and your own feelings, so not taking our time for granted, I decided to make the best of the little time where you were too out of it to care what you said.  
"Hey Y/n/n, how long have you been feeling like this?" I knew I should make the question non specific, otherwise she would become confused, especially in the state she's in.  
"A loooong time..." You drew out the word long and yawned as soon as you finished talking. Around a minute had passed and no one had said anything, until you added, "I miss them..." You pouted slightly. I sighed and looked over to Jensen and Misha, who were looking as torn and lost as I did.  
"We know sweetie, but we're gonna get you help." Misha coo'd, rubbing his hand up and down your exposed, socked, foot. Your face contorted in what I assumed to be pain, until you spoke.  
"No. Don't want it." You said simply. You were starting to wake up now, and we knew the heart to heart moment was over, for now. You sighed and blinked open your eyes gently, releasing my arm and rubbing your face with both hands. You sucked in a sharp breath of air when you moved your arm too quickly, obviously forgetting about the numerous stitches and wounds that were littering your arms. You brought your arms down in front of you and set them in your lap. One at a time, you unpin the bandages that were coating them both and dropped the now blood stained rags to the floor. You hadn't seen your arms since the incident, since you'd been asleep. Your eyes flicked down to your arms and you just.... Stared. No emotions crossed your face. It was like you didn't register any of it. I was concerned that if you didn't speak or do something soon, you'd be having some sort of internal panic attack. It was only when you looked up at Jensen, Misha, and I that you seemed to remember we were there. Your eyes widened slightly as realisation hit you and I saw a flood of thoughts enter your mind all at once. You hastily pulled on the sheets to cover your arms and couched it to your chest.  
"Oh no..." I heard you mutter. My heart clenched at those words. You weren't regretting doing it, you were regretting the fact that you'd called us, that we were there. I knew that you wouldn't allow any sort of pity or comfort, no matter how much you needed it, but I had to offer.  
"Hey, it's okay Y/n. You don't need to hide from us. We're not gonna judge you, we'd never do that." I coaxed, but I knew my words fell on partially deaf ears. You shook your head slightly and your jaw clenched. Your eyes were landing almost everywhere, besides our own gazes. Jensen sighed audibly and I turned to look at him, he was slightly frowning, and he ran his hand over his scruff.  
"Look, Y/n/n, we were thinking it wouldn't be the best idea for you to join us at the conventions this time 'round." Her eyes snapped up to Jensen and you furrowed your brows whilst your mouth parted slightly.  
"What?" You questioned, your eyes still on Jensen.  
"Well, we just thought that in the state you're in it-"  
"I'm fine." You inquired. My blood ran cold and I could feel myself getting frustrated. How could she see this as fine? She was not fine!  
"Y/n..." Jensen mumbled,  
"I'm. Fine." You pushed, your voice louder, with more confidence. Something inside me snapped. I was so sick of you being in constant pain and never saying anything about it.  
"Oh come on Y/n! That's not true and you know it. Heck, everyone knows it. And no matter how hard you try to hide it, it doesn't change the fact that you are hurting! God Y/n, I don't think you've ever told us when you're hurting until you're too exhausted or distraught to think clearly!"  
I looked back to you after pacing back and forth and I didn't expect what I saw. Your expression was plain, void of all and every emotion. I expected some sort of response, physical or verbal, but I got..nothing. "Y/n, you need help..."  


YOUR POV:

You sat there as Jared ranted, making sure you face was clear of any suggestion of emotion, and when he turned back to you and saw your plain expression, he seemed someone shocked. Like his speech was supposed to make your trust them, or confide in them. He wants you to be weak, your mind taunted. "Y/n, you need help..." He whispered. You internally scoffed. Without a word, you stood from the bed, walked towards the trailer door, ignoring the pleas of the boys, including Jared, and once you reached the door you turned around with a hard expression on your face. 

"Make me." And with that, you walked out.


	10. Ignorance is bliss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, did someone order some angst, along with a side of fluff, and a second serving of angst? Yeah this is for you.

You woke to someone gently shaking your shoulder and quietly calling your name. Your eyes cracked open and you came face to face with Misha.   
"Hey sleepyhead, we've just landed."   
You were on your way to the first of the conventions, and you couldn't be happier to have gotten away from Vancouver when you did. The tension since the argument was high, and you'd been avoiding the boys ever since. You'd even taken it so far as to go M.I.A for a day or two. You just couldn't be around them, knowing how persistent they would be at trying to get you to open up; something you weren't willing to do. 

You nodded your head and stretched, unbuckling your seat belt and standing up. Misha gave you a sad smile and walked out of the plane, you in tow. You had decided to sit next to Misha, two rows behind Jensen and Jared. He was just as concerned as they were, but he knew that if they pushed too hard, you'd lock them out completely, so he let it be, and you were grateful. For the past few days, you'd been feeling worse than usual, and you didn't know why. You'd always had depression, for as long as you remember, but it had never felt this paralysing before. Everything hurt like hell, but you felt numb. You felt all emotions all at once at the same time as none at all. Random bouts of crying were becoming a regular occurrence, and it was pathetic. You hadn't self harmed in two days, the longest you've gone without it in years, but you needed another way to find release. So you found one. In not eating. 

Dragging your suitcase behind you, you thought of the day ahead. You had to get to the motel you were going to be staying at, unpack and get changed. You didn't have any photo ops or autos today, although you and the three boys had a panel to start the convention off. Two days ago, you had been looking forward to the conventions, the panels especially, but you hadn't dreaded anything this much since you'd needed to go home to your parents. You didn't want to be there. To fake a smile and laugh along with the crowd. To get out of bed when all you wanted to do was sleep to escape the pain you weren't strong enough to face. You love the fans, with all your being, but it was exhausting trying to play a character all day. A character of constant and pure happiness, when in reality you were one of depression and despair. 

You could see yourself gaining on Jared and Jensen, who had started to walk to the car before you, so you slowed your pace a little. You knew you were being a stubborn ass, but you couldn't help it. Being hard was all you knew. You'd never been able to show emotions or weakness when you were younger, and it's taken a toll on how you act to pain now. Your parents expected you to be their personal punching bag, not to show weakness. And now these boys just expect you to open up to them, like it's not hard. After years of torment, and abuse, it's not that easy. And they'd know that. If they were you. 

Climbing into the back seat, you were stuck between the two J's. Clif, being the driver, and Misha in the front, you were in the most uncomfortable positions you probably could've found yourself in. You could feel their gazes, constantly looking from each other to you. The tension in the car was thick, and no one dared to break the silence. Poor Clif had no idea what was going on, but remained silent, despite the need and want to know what was happening. Muttering to yourself and sighing loudly, you reached for the backpack between your legs and unzipped it, grabbing your phone and earphones and plugging them in before putting them into your ears, blasting the music as loud as you could bear. You simply ignored the deflated looks that you most definitely got from the boys next to you and closed your eyes, leaning your head back on the headrest, allowing the painless escape of sleep consume you. 

You must've been more out of it then you had originally thought, because when you woke two hours later on a motel bed with your suitcase by the door, along with Jensen's, you knew exactly what happened. They'd carried you up. Now, that wouldn't have been a problem if you hadn't have lost 3kg (6.6 lbs) in the past two damn days. You know it would be hard to notice, but you wanted to be cautious. If they found out there's no way they wouldn't kick you off the show and stop talking to you. You were too messed up, had too many problems. You could only hope Clif had brought you up, he'd never lifted you, so if you were lighter, he wouldn't have noticed. You know you were ignoring the truth. If he was holding you, how was he supposed to protect the most important people of the show if someone were to attack them. 

You sat up in the bed and looked around, just as the bathroom door opened and Jensen walked out.   
"Hey sleeping beauty." He smiled at you. You couldn't smile back, so you averted your eyes to the blanket coating your legs. Jensen signed and came over to the bed, sitting next to you and pulling you close. You internally groaned. Ugh here we go, another speech, another intervention. Please God, help them let it fucking go.   
"Love you sweetheart," he said as he pulled back and kissed your hair. "Alright. We've got a panel at three, you feeling up to it?" He asked, and you simply nodded. He sighed gently "Okay. Go get ready and I'll order us some room service, before we head down to meet Jare and Misha and get to the other motel for the panel. Sound good?" He questioned. You nodded again. At the mention of food, your stomach clenched and your mind started to race. You couldn't eat! There's no way that you could eat and not self harm! Heck this was your new self harm!

You stood from the bed and walked over to your suitcase, pulling out your designated clothes for today's panel, black jeans that reached your waist with three buttons, and a simple shirt with your Always Keep Fighting sweater. You dragged your feet to the bathroom and shut the door, looking forward to a nice warm shower. 

_____________________________________________________________________________

You were standing backstage with Jensen, Jared, and Misha, waiting for Rob and Rich to introduce you to the crowd. As soon as 'Carry on my Wayward Son' started to play, the crowd started screaming, knowing that this was the infamous entrance to their three favourite boys, and you. You watched as the guys playfully stumbled on stage and you took a deep breath, quickly following behind them. You all started to kind of play and mess around to rally up the crowd. You were all laughing and getting along. This is why you're all actors. You can put on a face, lie, with ease. You all sat down in your seats. Thankfully, they had a large couch and two smaller ones instead of stools. You grasped the microphone Rob was handing you and smiled gratefully. 

The panel was passing quickly and all of the questions so far hadn't failed to make you 'laugh'. You'd been keeping to yourself most of the time, but not enough for it to be noticed. It wasn't until one question popped up that that changed. A young girl, around the age of fourteen or fifteen, a little younger than you, walked up to the microphone.   
"Hi.." She muttered shyly.   
"Hey doll," Jared said, seemingly calming her nerves a bit.   
"My question is for Y/n..." She smiled slightly at you. You stood up and raised both hands in the air as a sign of victory. "Ha! I knew I was the favourite!" You bellowed, pointing to all the three boys chuckling at you. You looked back at the girl who was beaming at you and you smiled at her.   
"Go ahead Bub." You coo, looking towards her standing with the microphone.   
"Um, so, uh, a few weeks ago there were some photos of you released-" Shit! You knew exactly what this was about. You hadn't even thought of an excuse yet. "And they say you had been assaulted, I was just wondering if you're okay, and what happened?" Oh fuckity fuck me. You hesitated for a second, and Jared quickly leaned over to you, whispering in your ear,  
"You don't have to do this, Y/n/n."   
"It's okay," you whispered back, holding the mic away from your face. You raised it back to your mouth as you sighed.   
"Alright. So as most of you have probably seen the photos and heard the rumours, and if not, some things have been said about me being assaulted when I got home from filming one day in my home. And I would like to confirm those rumours by telling you the truth." You took a deep breath and looked at the boys, all three of them looking at you with a mix of conflict and awe. "I arrived home after filming one day and a woman, along with a large man, had broken into my house and attacked me. I don't know their motives, but I know that they are both currently serving time in Jail for what they did." You concluded. Everyone seemed to believe your lie, all except for the men sitting directly to your sides.   
"I'm sorry that happened to you. Thank you." The fan finished and walked of the small pedestal. You smiled at her as she walked off. Even though what you said was a lie, you knew the truth. And it hurt. Tears welled in your eyes at the memory but you refused to let them fall. You covered your face with your hands giggled sadly. The whole crowd 'aww'd' and screamed 'we love you!'. You were only a kid, still. You shouldn't have to deal with this. 

As soon as Jared noticed you trying so hard to hold yourself together, he stood and grabbed your hands and pulled you up to join him, holding you in a tight embrace, as if he was holding you together. And not three seconds later, Jensen and Misha had joined you as the crowd went wild. There were lights flashing and phones clicking as everyone savoured the moment.  
"Thank you." You muttered. Holding them a little tighter before you let go.   
"Oh man." You groaned into the microphone. "I'm a little hot mess guys." You laughed. You planted yourself on the couch again. You were glad that everyone had believed you, if someone had confronted you about your family, you wouldn't have dealt with it well. But for now, it was over. The topic was now old as you continued the panel without a worry in the world. 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

By the time the panel had finished, you were exhausted. Pretending you were okay was a lot harder then it used to be. Understandably so. There was a dinner organised for the cast and backstage crew at six at a local Italian restaurant. The thought of eating was making you nauseous. Maybe you could turn them down? No. No you couldn't do that. You could simply say you weren't hungry. Yeah. Just do that. Then come back to your shared room with Jensen and sleep. You were all heading to the restaurant wearing what you'd worn to the panel, and as you sat down at your table, everyone involved themselves in small talk. There were smiles all around. Except you couldn't bring yourself to. Everything felt dull and pointless. And even though you were surrounded by the only people who had ever loved you unconditionally, you couldn't help it. 

Everyone was heading to the bar after dinner for some drinks and karaoke, and you thought it would be the perfect time to go back to the motel and sleep away your mental exhaustion.   
"You good Y/n/n?" Rich asked as he leaned over towards you to hear you better. You smiled slightly, thankful that someone saved you from your own thoughts.   
"Yeah, I'm just tired tonight. Probably just the jet lag." You smile towards him. He placed his arm around your shoulder and pulled you into his side. You remained like that for a few minutes whilst you both scan through the menu. You couldn't see anything that wouldn't be full of fat, so you decided to go with a bottle of Pepsi max. A few people raised concerns once you ordered, saying you should have at least something light. You gently told them that your time was out of whack, you were still on Vancouver time, and everyone accepted your answer. Laughter was filling the room for the whole time you were there, but everything to you felt numb. Time didn't seem to move as you stared ahead at the painting on the wall. You hadn't noticed everyone standing until you felt someone slap you on the shoulder. You flew from your chair as you yelped, attempting to hit the abusing hand away from you. Panic consumed your eyes as you looked around for your father, knowing he must be here to punish you, but when your mind broke through the haze, you only heard the worried voices of your fellow cast mates. You look up and found yourself staring into a pair of intense green eyes. Jensen.   
"Sorry." You breathlessly muttered. You grabbed your phone from the table along with your drink and started to head towards the exit, brushing past them. "Sorry." 

You pushed the door open and inhaled the cool, calming breeze as you headed down the street towards the motel, which couldn't be more than a half and hour walk away.   
"Hey Y/n, wait up!" You turned your head and saw Jensen jogging towards you.   
"Don't. Please just- please don't." You said as he caught up to you. You didn't have to explain, he understood you didn't want to talk. You stopped walking abruptly and walk towards the road. When Jensen noticed you were no longer next to him he looked back, seeing you b-lining for the road.   
"Y/n!" He bellowed, sprinting towards you. "Stop!" You stepped over the curb and onto the side of the road. You then bent at the waist and sat down on the side of the path, hanging your head and holding them between your two hands, which were now resting on your knees. Jensen stopped running as soon as you sat down, relieved that what he had been thinking wasn't actually happening. He'd been so worried about you lately, and you had been avoiding talking to everyone, he didn't know what was going on. 

The rest of the cast had already made their way, after paying for their food, onto the street. They watched from afar as Jensen sat down next to you.   
"What did you think I was gonna do Jensen?" You asked quietly, looking over towards the defeated looking man sitting next to you.   
"Honestly? I don't know Y/n. I've been so worried about you lately and you won't talk to me- to us. And I'm scared." You looked away from him and rested your head in your hands again. You paused for a brief moment and said,  
"I think I'm just gonna go straight to the hotel tonight. Sorry Jens." You stood from the side of the curb and turned to head towards the hotel again, when Jensen quickly stopped you.   
"Hey, I'll come with you, alright? Let me just tell Jared."   
"Jensen you don't have to do that." You signed, starting to feel guilty, because you know the only reason he was coming back was to make sure you were okay.   
"I want to. Give me one second." He waved Jared and Misha down and they came trotting over. "Hey guys, I'm gonna head back to the hotel with Y/n. Think you'll survive without me?" You could tell he was trying to lighten the mood for your sake.   
"Yeah, we'll be fine." Jared and Misha both pulled you into a quick hug and kissed your forehead. "Love you Y/n." Jared takes hold of your hand and gives it a small, reassuring squeeze.   
"Always." Misha added, whilst side hugging you one more time. You smiled tiredly at them.   
"I love you guys too." 

The guys hugged Jensen and turned to head back to the group whilst you and Jensen took your midnight stroll towards the hotel. The night air was cold, but somewhat comforting. The pace you set was slow as you took in the scenery around you and the stars above you. You used to love times like these- the quiet- but now all the silence brought was a racing mind, determined to pull you down into depression like an anchor in water. 

God you're so useless. Why are you even here. You aren't important. You never have been. You deserve every damn thing you've been given these past few years, you know why? Because you are you. And who else deserves all that pain? No one. Only you. Maybe if you were good enough for your family, maybe if you were good enough for yourself, or anybody. You're worthless. Everything you do is for attention, the attention you don't deserve. You're a fucking waste of a life. What is your purpose? Huh? I hope you're never happy, I hope you spend the rest of your short miserable life suffering in your own personal hell. It's the one thing you do deserve. 

You can never seem to make yourself feel better when these thought hit you, because for you're entire life, you've been told that they're true. 

Every day, I wake up, and wish I hadn't. 'Why didn't I die during my sleep.' Is the very first thing I think of. Every day. And I don't care anymore. I can't bring myself to care. From now on, I don't care. And I'm not going to make myself care. Not like it matters. I don't remember the last time I was happy for longer than three days. It's impossible. I was eight when everything started. And honestly? I'm sick of it. Of everything. 

You wrapped your arms around your waist as if it would protect you from yourself. Jensen seemed to notice this as he wrapped you up in his arms as you both continued to walk silently, now only five minutes away. Thankfully, in the lobby and on the way up to your room, you didn't run into any fans. You loved them, but you needed space, not to have to lie some more. Jensen swiped the key card and the door light flicked green, allowing you to enter. He held the door open and let you in and closed the door behind him once he walked through. You headed straight towards your suitcase and pulled out your long, winter pyjamas and makeup remover, then heading to the bathroom. You exited five minutes later to find Jensen sitting on his bed, in his boxers and a short sleeved shirt, watching a replay of the football on tv. He glanced over at you as you collapsed onto your bed, face buried in the pillows. He laughed lightly at the sight, causing you to groan in annoyance. You sat up and pushed the covers down, pulling them back up and over you whilst lying down. You snuggled into the warm blankets and fluffy pillow, turning to your side to look at Jensen. You felt guilty for dragging him away like that. Making him worry. He deserved some kind of thanks. 

"You know," you started, immediately grasping his attention. You took a deep breath. You weren't going to tell him everything, no way. But he deserved a minimum. "I never accept your help, because I feel like I don't deserve it. Jensen, my whole life I've been told I deserve what they've done to me. That I don't deserve help. Because I'm me. And after years and years of hearing it, I can't help but believe it's true. Being an eight year old, I was so young and innocent, I just had to believe the words that my daddy and mummy were telling me. I couldn't have known any better. I don't mean to be stubborn all the time, but I feel so fucking pathetic every time someone sees me so weak. I have to be strong, and this is the only way I know how. I know you've been trying to help me, but I not ready. Thank you for loving me. I'm sorry Jensen."   
It wasn't much. It wasn't an Oscar worthy speech. It wasn't revealing, but it was enough for him. He stood from where he was sitting on the bed and climbed in next to you, and you flipped to face him as you curled into his warm comfort, his arms wrapped gently around your torso.   
"Y/n you have nothing to be sorry for. I'm sorry for pushing you. We all are. I can't imagine what it must be like to have lived the life you have and still be as kind to others as you are. You really are extraordinary. And I can tell you for damn sure, you did not, and will never deserve what happened to you. Okay? And I'm going to make you believe it." He paused while he brushed your hair back with his fingers and wiped a stray tear from your cheek. He smiled sadly, "Thank you for opening up to me. I know it was hard. I love you sweetheart." He pulled you closer and you closed your eyes, accepting the safety and love that was radiating from him. 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

"Y/N!" You woke with a scream, frantically searching the room for the two people who destroyed you completely. Your breathing became erratic and you grasped the Doona tightly in your hands, trying, but failing, to suck air into your constricted lungs. You started crying loudly in your panicked state, until you saw Jensen looking back at you, speaking calming words that seemed to be falling on deaf ears. You grabbed at his shirt, pulling his closer to you and clenching your fists around the soft fabric.   
"Hey, hey, calm down Y/n, it was just a nightmare. You're okay. You're safe." He coo'd as he wrapped you up in the blanked and pulled you into his lap, slowly rocking you back and forth. He took deep, audible breaths and you tried to follow, and after a few agonising minutes, your lungs breathed the first full breath of air since you'd woken up.   
"Thank you." You panted.   
"Go back to sleep, Y/n/n, I'll be right here."   
You manage to fall asleep for another hour or so before your phone began going off. Jensen groaned beside you, having decided that staying next to you would put you at more peace, as you sat up and looked at the screen.   
"Who is it?" Jensen grumbled.   
"I dunno," you reply sleepily. You crawl out of bed and grab the key card, walking out of the room and into the lit hallway. You quickly pressed the answer button.   
"Hello?" You asked sleepily.   
"Hello, my name is Jillian, I'm looking for a Miss Y/n Y/l/n?" A woman's voice came through the receiver.   
"This is she." You yawned.   
"Oh, hi Y/n, my name is Jillian and I work with Prescott Lawyers and child protection services. I was calling to inform you, that your father, Y/f/n Y/l/n, was released from his prisoning sentence two days-" she didn't get to finish her sentence before you hung up the phone as your breathing turned into rapid pants.   
"No...." You quietly cried. "No... No.. No. No. No. No No No NO NO NOOOO!!!!!!!!" You screamed, throwing your phone into the wall in front of you, inevitably smashing it. Familiar cast members all exited their rooms, all looking tired, but not caring about themselves. They were caring about the girl who was screaming and smashing phones at three a.m. in the morning. Jensen exited the room from behind you and took in your trembling form.   
"Woah, what's wrong Y/n?" He asked, his eye brow furrowing. You couldn't hold yourself up anymore and you dropped to the floor a sobbing panting mess, not giving the slightest shit that your cast mates were watching with pain and sadness in their eyes.   
"No-o-o." You continued to cry and shake uncontrollably. By this time, most of the people were right around you. Including Jared and Misha.   
"No what, Y/n/n?" They questioned worriedly.   
"He's ou-out. They-they let him out!"   
Everyone's hearts sunk at those four simple words. 

They let him out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Sorry for my long ass break. I would like to apologise for taking so long to post this. A lot of you may have seen a recent post about me saying goodbye, and only a small amount of people seemed to know what I meant and reached out. To those who realised what I was saying- thank you. But I would like to say thank you to my dear friend, Madi. For keeping me safe when I tried to end things. But more for the reason that you've been there for me since. 
> 
> Always Keep Fighting. If you would like my email or text message, reach out to me. I love you guys 
> 
> ❤️


	11. I can't. Not today.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HI! I suck. I know. I'm so effing sorry for how long I've taken. I'm seriously so sorry. Ummm....that's all I have to say right now. Carry on (-my wayward son.)

Jensen's POV

I woke to the sound of Y/n whining in her sleep, her face contorted with fear and despair. She'd been having nightmares all night, ever since I finally calmed her down enough to get her into bed and into a restless sleep. I was enraged at how her father was released without us being notified properly, instead they decide to call -two days later- simply saying he was released, not even thinking about the fact that they had absolutely petrified a sixteen year old girl. Once I had Y/n sleeping, I had called the Prescott Lawyers and child protective services and have a go at them. It was the least they deserved. They'd told me that they intended to call earlier, but got caught up in a 'more important' case. Wrong words on their behalf. I gave them a peice of my mind before hanging up, frustrated that I wasn't getting anywhere. It was now four a.m and this is the seventh time I've had to wake Y/n up from a nightmare. I gently brushed my fingers through her slightly matted hair and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead.   
"Shhh...Y/n/n, it's just a dream.." I whisper, not wanting to scare her from her no doubt violent dream. My efforts failed as she shot up in bed and aggressively shoved me away from her, scooting away from me and falling off the bed and onto the floor. I could hear her breathing increasing into short pants and I quickly turned on my bedside light, standing up and walking around to where she was, now cowering in between her bedside table and the bed. How she made herself fit in such a small place, I don't even know.   
"Hey y/n/n, it's just me kiddo," I coo, not touching her. As much as I wanted to pull her into a tight hug and never let her go, I knew that with her, it was best to let her know it was me first. She looked up from her knees, and I see the tear tracks consistently running down her face.   
"Oh sweetheart.." I mumbled. She reached out to me and I didn't hesitate to pick her up, her legs wrapping around my waist, and her face hiding in the neck of my wrinkled shirt. I slowly walked back to the edge of my side of the bed and sat down, keeping her safely tucked into me. I could feel her tears seeping through my shirt, but all I could think about is her.   
"I just want to be happy Jay. Why can't I be happy?" She cried. I pulled her even closer to me, mindful of her still healing body.   
"Shhh...." I whispered. I honestly didn't know what to say to her in that moment, I was so sad to think and see how distraught she was when she wasn't trying to hide how she was feeling. She always puts on a smile and a brave face, and she does it so often, it looks 100% genuine. But once you get to know her, you see how the smile never reaches her eyes. How could it? With all she's been through, I can't help but understand why she isn't happy.   
"Shhh... Sleep. Just sleep princess. I'll be right here, I'm not goin' anywhere." I added quietly once I noticed her cries become small hiccups and sniffles. She readjusts herself in my arms and nuzzles further into my chest.   
"I love you." She murmurs sleepily, her eyelids already falling shut. I rocked her back and forth for at least another half an hour, before shuffling down into the bed, tucking Y/n into my side and curling my arms securely around her. And I soon followed her into a dreamless sleep, my mind still racing with how I was going to make this better for her. 

Your POV:

You woke up with a splitting headache and your stomach twisting in knots with anxiety. Today was a bad day. You could already feel it. You wanted to stay in bed all day. You didn't want to see anyone, and you didn't think you could even put on a fake smile. Not even for the fans who came to see you. You looked over to see Jensen wasn't in bed and you noticed the steam coming from under the bathroom door. You lay back down on your side and think of all the things you have to do typo day. It's the last day at the conventions and you couldn't be more thankful. You had a panel with Kim and Brianna first, next you had autos with Jensen, Ruth and Mark, photo ops with Jared and Misha and finally the closing ceremony. Ugh I can't do this today. You knew it was the last day for everybody there, but you couldn't do it. At least not the panel. As much as you fucking loved Kim and Brianna, you couldn't pretend. Not today. 

You watched as Jensen emerged from the bathroom in his jeans, rubbing the towel over his wet hair. He walked over to his suitcase, not seeming to notice you were up just yet. Once he pulled a shirt sloppily over his head, he turned around and his eyes met yours.   
"Hey! You're up! I thought you were gonna sleep forever." He chuckled lightheartedly. God I wish I had slept forever.   
"Yeah.." You muttered, not really in the mood for anything but being depressed and anxious.   
"What's wrong?" He asked, his brows drawing together and his pouty lips pressing into a line.   
"Jensen.. I don't think I-"

Knock knock knock

Jensen looked at you worriedly and you smiled slightly and shook your head, signifying that it can wait. He walked over to the door and opened it, and a pumped looking Jared walked through the door.   
"Why are you so happy this early in the morning?" Jensen asked.   
"I got a quick FaceTime from Gen and the kids this morning. I miss 'em so much." At least you have something to miss. Jared looked over to your form still comfortable in the bed.   
"How ya doin' today Y/n?" He asks kindly, remembering what happened last night clearly. It's still fresh in everyone's mind. Especially yours.   
"Um, I don't know.." You say partially honestly. You don't want to throw all your problems at the poor guys! You've put them through enough.   
"Don't you have a panel with Kim and Bri in like," he checks his watch, "forty five minutes?" He questions.   
"About that, Jensen," you look back over to him, acknowledging that this was what you were going to talk about before Jared came, "I don't think I can go today.." You look down and fidget with the edge of the blanket.   
"Is there any reason why?" Jensen kindly asks. You shrug your shoulders, not wanting to elaborate any further into what you might be feeling. You look up after a few more seconds of silence, only to be met with looks of concern and sadness.   
"Please stop looking at me like that." You request. "I just can't go. Please don't make me go." You concluded. They both sigh and Jared runs his fingers through his hair.   
"Alright, you don't have to go kiddo. Do you want someone to stay with you today?" He adds, sitting on the edge of the bed next to you, pulling you to him with one arm around you shoulders.   
"No. I just wanna be alone for a while.." You say honestly, too mentally tired and drained to come up with something else you needed to do. "I'll try and make it to the photos or something if I can.."   
They both nod their heads understandingly. Jared pulled you closer and hugged you properly before Jensen came and hugged you, too.   
"Okay we'll let them know you weren't feeling too hot. Call if you need anything Bub." Jared says before he and Jensen head out the door to start their day. 

______________________________________________

Jensen's POV:

We walked out of y/n's room, glancing behind us as we shut the door. I sighed as we started heading towards the lift, which we would take to the second floor- to the green room - so we could prepare for today's schedule.   
"I don't like this." Jared said once we were a ways down the hall. "I don't like leaving her alone when she's like this." I looked over to him and his face was contorted with concern, his eyebrows knitted together in worry.   
"I know man. Neither do I. I had to wake her up at least half a dozen times last night because she was crying in her sleep. The poor kid's got a lot going on, and honestly? She's probably petrified. She hasn't found a way to talk about it- how to deal with it. She's keeping everything in until she snaps. And considering how often she's having those breakdowns, it shows she's got a lot more than we know going on. So it's no wonder she's down spiralling."   
Jared simply gave a low hum of agreement. 

We reached the elevator and made our way to level two in silence. We were gonna have to find Brianna and Kim to enlighten them of what's happened this morning, although keeping intimate details quiet. Y/n was really close with these girls, that's why it's so much more concerning for her to be turning hanging with them down. 

Walking into the green room, we looked around for Kim and Bri, catching them chatting away on one of the couches. Together we walked over to them, quickly catching their attention.   
"Hey guys!" Brianna smiled, pushing herself off the couch along with Kim to share a quick, friendly embrace with Jared and I, "how's little miss sunshine doin today? We heard about what happened last night. Is she alright?" Bri finished. I took in a deep breath and released it.   
"Yeah, well, that's kinda what we wanted to talk to you about quickly." I paused, allowing Jared and I to pull individual chairs in front of the couch, and we all seated ourselves before I started up again, "Y/n/n's having a rough morning, and she wasn't feeling too well during the night either. She said to us this morning that she really wasn't feeling up to doing the panel today." I finished as Jared added on.   
"She loves you girls, and she always loves hanging with you, but she's really not in the best place, and I think it's best we just let her be for a while." Jared gave a small, sympathetic smile. Bri and Kim both sigh, not out of stress or disappointment, rather of sadness.   
"I don't know much of what's going on, but have you tried talking to her? Alone?" Kim directs the question towards Jared, and I know exactly why. "I mean, I know you've both probably tried, but have you just sat her down, given her time to adjust to the fact that you are going to talk to her, no matter how long she needs to take? I know you've experienced -to some extent,- what she's feeling. So maybe you could have a one on one. We have a few hours break after 11, why don't you go up and see her then. Try make her feel a little better?"

We both listened intently and I think hats when we both realised we haven't tried to really talk to her individually. Not really at least. And we've never given her enough time in the moment to come to terms with the fact that we will be talking to her. 

"Yeah.." Jared murmured. "Yeah, okay. I might go up after 11 and see how she's doin, and we have- what? Two hours of free time before anyone needs to be anywhere?"   
Kim and Bri nodded.   
"I'm pretty sure that should be long enough to get her to relax with me a bit, try coax her out of her little corner... Thanks girls. I don't know how long it would've taken us to realise she might just need time with someone instead of everyone. We owe you." Jared stood and I took it as my Que. to stand, too. Quickly wrapping Brianna in a hug, I then swapped with Jared, then wrapping my arms around Kim.   
"Well. Sometimes you just need a woman's perspective. We are the more... Rational sex after all." Brianna smirked before Kim shrugged as if to say 'well, it's true.' I snorted in humour, along with Jared.   
"Ugh, whateva!" Jared mocked before he laughed and started walking towards the schedule on the wall on the opposite side of the room. I laughed at his antics before I shrugged and walked over to meet him. 

We were quiet for a minute or two while we checked out our schedules, before I decided to interrupt the silence. "It's a good idea, man." I rubbed a hand over my face. "I mean, I love the kid, and I don't want her to feel pressured, but she can't keep doing this to herself. It's killing me man." I confess honestly.   
"Yeah. I'll go up after my autos, which is just before our break. Hopefully I can get her to open up. Like, I'm not expecting her to give me everything right now, but I'm hoping for something. Even if it's not a lot."   
Before I had the chance to say anything else, a small lady wearing a headset and microphone walked into the room.   
"Can I please have everyone's attention! I need everyone to start heading to their destinations before we open the doors to the fans. Thank you!" And as quick as she came, she was gone. 

Jared and I shared a quick hug as everyone started rushing around us. I patted him on the back. "Take care of our girl, 'kay?"   
"I will."

______________

Jared's POV

Autos had just finished, and I decided to head straight up to Y/n's room. I'm so freakin nervous about what she might tell me. And I'm also worried she might not even tell me anything. I got to the room and opened the door with the key card Jensen had given me. Ever since I'd found her lying in the shower, surrounded by blood, I've been more anxious about walking in and seeing her like that again. Or worse. I shook those thoughts from my mind as I twisted the door knob and pushed it open. Y/n was sitting almost exactly where we left her. She had her legs dangling off the edge of the bed. She was staring at the wall, eyebrows pulled together, mumbling the same inaudible words under her breath. Her foot was tapping rapidly on the floor while her hands were continuously moving. She didn't even know I was there. 

I closed the door behind me and turned back to her. I cleared my throat gently and watched as she shot up off the bed, eyes wide as she looked for the source of the noise. Her eyes landed on mine and I saw her body loosen.   
"Jared." She said, holding a hand to her chest. "You scared me."  
"Sorry y/n." I smiled. She sat back down on the edge of the bed, and I strode to where she was and sat beside her.   
"You're back early. I thought you had autos and photo ops all day?"   
"We have a two hour break before the photo ops start. I figured I could come keep you company till then." She nodded slightly before I cautiously added on, "Plus, I wanna talk to you." That's when I saw her internal guard go straight up. Her entire vibe and demeanour changed within the second of hearing those words. She didn't look any different, but I could feel her mind working its way out of this. She smirked at me.   
"You're not breaking up with me are you?" Of course.   
"Y/n.."   
"Jared. I'm not doing this right now."   
"That's okay. You don't have to. I just wanna spend time with you. We can talk if you want to okay?" She sighs and glares at me.   
"There's nothing to talk about."   
"Okay. We can just sit for a while." 

We sat in silence for a solid thirty minutes. She'd moved from the side of the bed next to me to sit against the headboard and I'd turned to my side to face her better. I knew I had to talk to her about me. About my own struggles. Maybe if she felt like she could relate to me she'd be more likely to share with me. I took in a deep breath and released it before I started talking quietly.   
"You know, I'm not sure exactly how you feel right now, I don't know if anyone could. But I think I can understand some of it. It wasn't too long back when I had to cancel conventions. When I had to stay back with Gen to sort myself out. To find myself again.   
I remember feeling like I had no reason to get up in the morning. I felt so overwhelmed and at the same time, I was completely empty and numb. But I had Jensen, and Gen. Even Misha. I confided in them, I sought help. I talked to someone- still do. And I can understand why you don't want all that attention.  
But sweetie, you need someone. You need that one person you can trust. Someone you can always talk to and feel safe with. It can be me, it can be Jensen, it could be Misha. Hell, even Kim and Brianna. But I'm begging sweetheart. You can't keep doing this to yourself. It's killing us to see you hurting so much. I know you feel like you can't talk to us, but please baby. Just give us something. Something to know you're alright." 

We continued to sit in silence. I watched her for a reaction, but It didn't look like I was getting one. Close to ten minutes passed and still no reply or reaction. I was bursting to say something, to get her to talk to me, but I knew that if I wanted her to talk, I needed to let her do it in her own time. Suddenly, she moved her knees up to her chest and lightly wrapped her arms around her legs, holding on to each other when they met in the middle on the other side

"I'm not..."

It took everything I had not to just jump at her and engulf her into my arms or ask her to elaborate. I simply decided to give her a small nod, trying to encourage her to keep going. I saw her take in a deep shuddering breath, before she slowly continued. 

"And I don't know how to be." I swallowed hard as I listened to her. "I don't know how to do this."   
"Hey. You're doing just fine. Just let it go Bub."  
"I don't want this. I don't want this anymore. I'm exhausted. And no amount of sleep is gonna make a difference. Every day is worse then the last. I feel completely empty and numb, but at the same time I feel every single fucking negative emotion possible and I hate it! I don't know how long I can keep pushing myself like this; and right now, I'm not sure I want to. I'm just done. I'm ready to check out. And I know how that sounds, but I can't bring myself to care. I know I have people who love me. I know people have been through worse. I know all that. But I don't care. I can't bring myself to care. About anything. I don't care that I'm depressed. I don't care I'm anxious. I don't care if I'm suicidal. Because it's my fault. I don't care about anything. And I know I should care, or that I should feel guilty for not caring, but I just can't. I can't bring myself to do anything. I spend every second of every day trying to make the people around me happy. When's it my turn? When do I get to be happy? When do I get to stop lying? When do I get to stop keeping to myself because I feel guilty and pathetic if I even think about going to someone for comfort? Everything fucking hurts. Everything hurts. And I don't even care, because I think I deserve it. And I don't know why. And I don't even care if I don't wake up in the morning. I just don't. And I don't know if I want to care, because then it hurts more. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. But I don't want to keep going anymore. Its done. Im finished. I don't wanna fight anymore. So I'm not going to." 

I physically felt my heart breaking at her words. I'm not sure how she's held herself up for so long. Just hearing what she said is enough to make me want to have a breakdown. But she's gotten to the point where she doesn't even look like she can bring herself to care about herself. And it's so fucking painful to see. I stood from the corner of the bed and sat next to her against the headrest, pulling her firmly into my chest as I looked forward, holding my tears at bay. I looked down and saw her curling herself tighter, her resolve crumbling. I watched as I saw her walls shatter and she lets go a harsh sob. I hold on tighter and bury my nose in her hair as I gently rock from side to side, cooing reassuringly. 

"I ha-ate this." She cries desperately through the sobbing. I simply shush her and whisper meaningless nothings into her hair, offering the only comfort I could in this moment. 

"I just.. I don't know. I.. I'm sick of pretending, and- and feeling like I have to be strong all the time. But I can't let people in because I...they'll just... I just can't. And I'm so tired and I just..I just don't want to do it anymore." ...fuck. Fuck!   
"Fuck... Alright sweetie, I'm just gonna call Jensen and have him come over here okay? Okay Bub?"  
My thoughts were racing. I fucking hate how much she must be hurting to think of this. I sit up and lean over her to reach my phone on the bedside table. I quickly pick it up and haphazardly scroll through my contacts and quickly press on Jensen's number. The phone rings once. Twice. Three times. "...C'mon C'mon C'mon Jens, pick up..." I mutter to myself. Ring....ring....ring...ring...ri-  
"hello?" His voice comes through my phone.   
"Hey Jay, I need you over here." I hear him groan on the other line. I heard some shuffling and assumed he was getting up to head over.   
"Dude, we gotta go to photos in like ten minutes." He replied.   
"Jensen, it's Y/n. She needs you here."  
"Y/n? What's wrong with Y/n?"   
"Just-just get over here man." I hung up and looked back to Y/n. I hadn't noticed until now how harshly she'd been crying.   
"Hey. Hey sweetheart, please don't cry. Jens is coming. We're gonna help you." I pulled her tight to my chest and she wrapped her arms around me and clutched onto the back of my shirt. I knew Jensen had another key card to get in, so I wouldn't have to leave her for a second. And I didn't want to.   
"Please don't let him in." She cried desperately. "I don't want him to see me-e."   
"Sweetie, he loves you. He'll wanna help. Just like I do." Just as I finished speaking, I heard the small beep of the door unlocking and saw Jensen cautiously walking in. Y/n pulled as close as she could to me, hiding her face in my wrinkled shirt. Jensen walked over to her side of the bed and sat down.   
"Hey Y/n/n." He says sweetly, reaching out and rubbing her shoulder blade. She pulled her knees into her chest and let go of me, completely wrapping around herself. Jensen and I sigh and I watched as he pulled himself onto the bed and leaned against the headboard. He then reaches out and gently pulls her onto his lap, cradling her head in his hands, starting to rock back and forth. He looks over at me with a questioning look on his face. 'She wants to die.' I mouth. He understood. I saw his whole demeanour change, it was like I could see his heart being ripped in two. Just like mine had the second I heard those words. 

__________________________________________________________________________

 

Jensen's POV:

As soon as conventions were done, we were out of there- on a plane and heading to Austin, Texas. Jared and I had both decided to take Y/n with us this break whilst Misha went to spend time with Vikki and his kids. Jared had spoken to me not long after his communion with Y/n whilst she was sleeping, looking completely emotionally distraught. We had had half an hour left of our break, enough time for Jared to fill me in and for me to help calm him down as much as I could. 

The plane ride had a melancholy feel to it. Y/n was sleeping the whole time, whilst I sat in the middle with Jared on the isle seat to my right. We arrived in Austin at 12:34am the next day. Jared had called a cab for the three of us. Danneel and Gen were having a 'sleep over' at Jared's house with the kids, both wanting to see us when we arrived home.   
We pulled into the driveway and Jared payed the bill, much to my dismay, and as soon as we were walking up the driveway, Gen and Danneel shot out of the front door. Gen ran towards Jared, but I was too busy watching my beautiful wife running towards me. I dropped the handle on my suitcase and effortlessly swooped her into my arms, spinning and holding her tight to me. I kissed her sweetly before planting her feet back onto the ground.   
"I missed you so much.." She whispered as we pecked once more.   
"I missed you too baby. So much.."

I slowly released her and watched as Jare and Gen continued to hug. Danneel then walked over to Y/n, pulling her into a tight embrace.   
"Hey sweetie."  
"Hey Danni." She smiled. Gen hugged her next, whispering a sweet hello to her. We picked our suit cases back up and walked inside.   
"The kids are in bed, after a lot of hard work." Gen chuckled.   
"Yeah, they were pretty reluctant considering dad and 'unca Jared' we're coming back tonight. But, we managed." Danni smirked. I slightly shook my head, not bothering to ask how those two had managed such a difficult task.   
"Okay, so do you guys want some tea or anything? We've just boiled the kettle, so we're all set."   
"Tea would be amazing, thanks babe." I said to Danneel,  
"Ugh, yes please Danni. Thank you so much. Something about aeroplanes makes me super thirsty." He grinned, bending down and giving Gen a sloppy kiss.   
"Dude, gross."   
"How about you Y/n? Want anything to eat or drinking?" Y/n snapped her attention back to Danni and smiled slightly.   
"Actually guys, I'm gonna head to bed. Been a long night."   
"Alright honey, I've set up the guest bedroom down the hall for you, just past Tom and Sheps room." Gen informs.   
"Thank you." Y/n/n steps up to hug Gen, before running over to Danneel and hugging her too. She walked to Jared and wrapped her arms around his neck and whispered something I couldn't quite make out into his ear. He smiled sadly before he pecked her on the cheek and she made her way towards me. I pulled her to me and held on tightly.  
"Thanks for today. I love you."  
"I love you too." She pulled away and smiled before turning her back and started walking towards the hall.   
"And kiddo?" I called out. She turned back to look at me with a small but questioning smile on her lips.   
"Happy birthday.."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for coming back! I honestly didn't think anyone was still reading this. I really love your feedback, (to be honest I get super sad if I don't get any because I'm cLINGY) I'm gonna start writing drabbles between my post of this series so I can have a little break, so if you have requests, PLEASEEEEEE send them to me. Thanks guys ❤️


	12. Pool party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens on the very first birthday you've ever celebrated?

You woke up the next day a little nervous. Jensen had remembered your birthday, and you had no clue how to react. Your parents had never even acknowledged your existence on your birthday, if they even remembered. It was seven thirty when you woke up, hearing the screams of happy children, finally seeing their daddies again. The thought made you smile a little. You never had that kind of relationship with your family, yet you had constantly craved it. You sighed, knowing that day would never come. Not anymore. You threw the covers off of you and swung your legs over the bed, stretching whilst you gave in to a lazy yawn. You caught sight of yourself in the full length mirror on the wall and decided going downstairs for breakfast in the short sleeved pyjamas you had on probably wouldn't be the best idea with the kiddies around. 

Once you had showered and dressed into some slacks, you made your way through the small hall, down the beautiful wooden stairs, and to the kitchen and dining room. You expected to see everyone sitting at the table, eating breakfast, laughing away, but that's not what met your eyes when you first caught a glimpse of the room. There were balloons and steamers everywhere. A two teir chocolate cake was sitting in the middle of the table with 'Happy birthday Y/n!' Written in white cursive icing. But your inevitably favourite thing, was the banner hanging from the door to the backyard, one letter messily painted, drawn, or coloured on a piece of paper, one after the other, spelling out, 'Happy Birthday!'. This was the most gorgeous thing you had seen, and there was no doubt in your mind that all the kids had contributed to creating that. 

"Hey kiddos, I think the birthday girl's here!" You saw Jared come from around the corner, flashing you a wink as you heard three immediate pairs of little footsteps sprinting in your direction. The first to enter the room was JJ, then Tom, and little Sheppy.  
"Y/n/n!" JJ screamed, running as fast as her little legs could carry her towards you. Tom and Shep following suit. You knelt onto one knee and opened your arms widely, as you prepared to be lovingly tackled. They all jumped into your arms, and you wrapped them up tightly in your embrace.  
"Happy birfday Y/n." Shep muttered into your ear. You smiled sadly, you can't believe everyone remembered.  
"Thanks buddy." You replied, snuggling into them even tighter. You see Danneel and Jensen walk into the room along with Jared and Gen from the kitchen. You quickly wipe away a stray tear that you had forbidden to fall and you could just see In the corner of your eyes, the adults all giving each other a 'look'. "Alright kiddos, I'm pretty sure I just saw cake on the table, and I don't know about you, but I think that would be the best breakfast ever! Wadda you think?"  
"YEH!" They all screamed, and you chuckled as you let them go. You stood up and looked over to the adults, but when you caught sight of Gens face you couldn't help but giggle. She obviously didn't agree with 'cake for breakfast'.  
"Sorry Gen," you laughed, "can't take it back now. Let them eat cake." You shrugged innocently.  
"Yeah yeah yeah missy. Just because it's your birthday, doesn't mean you can't be disciplined." She responded mock firmly. You gasped and raised your hand to your heart.  
"I'm hurt, Gen. So hurt." You faked cried. You felt something wrap around your legs and looked down to see Tom, hugging your leg tightly.  
"Mama! You can't make the birfday girl sad! It's her birfday!" You let out a huff of laughter directed at Gen and she shook her head with a smile on her face.  
"It's okay Tom, she can make it up to me by letting you eat cake for brekkie with me."  
"Mama?" He looked over at his mum with big, sad eyes. Gen sighed and replied,  
"I guess it's okay then. Sorry birthday girl." She laughed. You nodded back at her.  
"Thanks Gen. Alright, who wants the first piece?" You inquired, turning to face towards the kids, who were currently drooling whilst looking at the delicious chocolate cake. A chorus of 'me!'s were yelled, so you quickly walked to the kitchen and grabbed a sharp knife. You cut the cake into thin slices, knowing the kids wouldn't need much to get them going. You offered some bigger slices to the adults and they all accepted gratefully. Just as everyone was about to start digging in, JJ exclaimed,  
"Wait! She didn't blow out the birfday candles! We didn't sing, either!" You sympathetically smiled. You put a single candle into your slice of cake and looked at JJ.  
"This okay JJ?" And she nodded. She counted in and everybody start d to sing happy birthday. You sat in the chair, not really knowing what to do. You'd never celebrated your birthday before, and definitely not one with a cake. Your leg was rapidly tapping on the ground as you tried to smile along with the kids, who seemed to be more excited about your birthday then you were; A move that didn't go past Jared. Once they had finished singing, you blew out the candles and the kids clapped as they dug into their cake. You stood and walked over to the adults who were standing quietly in the corner. 

"You really didn't have to do this..." You muttered quietly, looking down and picking away at the cake on your plate. "This is way too much." They all shook their heads at you.  
"Sweetheart, of course we had to do this. You deserve it. A cake on your birthday is a necessity. It's okay." Jensen remarked, smiling at you as you looked up at him.  
"Yeah, well, it's more than I've ever gotten so it really means a lot. Thank you." You confessed. You saw the sad looks all of them had, knowing that you'd probably never celebrated a birthday before.  
"Oh! Hold on one sec, Y/n/n. I've just got to run and get something." Jared interrupted the silence as he sped out of the room and you heard him thumping up the stairs. Danneel pulled you into her side and you wrapped your arm around her waist, watching as the kids played around whilst eating their cake. You sighed, this was the best you'd felt in a while. No, there's no way you were by any means 'okay' but being around your real family made everything a little more bearable. The way they treat you is different to your parents, making it hard to accept any kindness or compassion from them, but you were trying. 

You could hear Jared stumbling back down the stairs and as he turned the corner you saw him with a huge goofy grin on his face and three different boxes, all different sizes, wrapped in sparkly princess wrapping paper. You stepped away from Danneels hold and back away towards the table shaking your head.  
"...no." You whispered sadly. Everyone's faces dropped. Someone little ran to Jared and grabbed the box on the bottom of the pile of three and ran towards you with big gleaming eyes.  
"This is from me and JJ and Sheppy." Tom jumped up and down in excitement. "Oh! And Odette and Arrow and Zeppy too!" He added. "Come wiv us and we will open it!" He said, grasping your cold hand and leading you towards the lounge room. He sat on the floor and pulled you down with him. JJ came and sat in your lap and Shep sat to the other side of you, the side that Tom wasn't on, which was the right side. You leaned back against the couch and Tom handed you your present from them.  
"...thank you." Your voice quaked against your own will. You had no clue how to accept these gifts and it was starting to initiate that nagging voice in the back of your head, telling you that you don't deserve any of this, of them.  
"Are you gonna open it?" Shep questioned, looking up into your eyes with a slightly confused look underneath his extremely excited exterior.  
"Um- ah- um." You cleared your voice and tried not stutter. You could always give it back to the adults when the kids were gone. "Yeah, yeah. Okay." You stammered, slowly opening the bow and pulling off the string. You already feel super guilty and you haven't even opened it yet.  
"Do I rip it?" You questioned, looking at the kids and then around the room to see if the adults were in there with you as well. You saw that they were standing in the doorway with destroyed looks on their faces which are immediately covered with fake smiles as soon as you look at them. Danneel and Jensen nodded their heads at you and you turned back to the bomb-like thing you were holding in your lap. You leaned down a little bit and spoke in a loud but hushed voice.  
"How about you guys help me?" Their little faces lit up with joy as they started tearing into the wrapping paper for you. Once the layer of paper was gone, you opened the box. JJ pulled out the first present and handed it to you. It was a sketchbook along with a pack of drawing lead pencils and a Disney movie, which was of course, Tangled.  
"This parts from me! So you can draw and we can watch 'Punzel togetha!" You smirked at the choice of movie.  
"Thank you babe." You pecked a kiss onto her hair. "How 'bout we watch that tonight, huh?" She nodded her head profusely before Tom held out his present for you, which was in its own little box. When he handed it to you, you flipped the box over to see it was an instant camera, in a pastel blue colour.  
"I chose that one! Because you take really pretty photos and stuff. Do you like it?"  
"I love it buddy. Thank you so much. I'll use it all the time." You leaned over and kissed him on the head, just as you did with JJ. You felt a tugging on your right sleeve and you immediately went to pull your sleeve back down since it had ridden up with the tugging. You smiled kindly at Shep, who looked genuinely confused. He handed you your present silently and looked down at his hand, which he was fiddling with. He'd handed you a red folder that read: For Y/n from Sheppy. You opened it curiously to see at least 20 sheets of paper. You pull one out and smile widely. Shep had drawn a picture of you, JJ, Tom, and himself holding hands on some grass with flowers and clouds surrounding all of you. You shuffled through the rest of the beautiful drawings, seeing that all of them consisted of you and the rest of his and JJ's family.  
"Did you draw all of these buddy?" You asked sweetly, he nodded. You wrapped your arm around him and pulled him tightly into your side, kissing his hair.  
"Thank you buddy, I love them." Your elongated the 'love' as you ruffled his hair.  
"Alright kids! How about you all get changed into your swimmers so we can go for a swim." Gen suggested. The kids all 'yeah'd and ran to their rooms, looking forward to a nice swim. 

You laughed at their playful banter as they left the room, then looked down at the floor in front of you, seeing all the gorgeous gifts they'd gotten and made for you. Jensen, Jared, Gen, and Danneel all walked over to you, Jensen and Jared sitting on the floor, replacing where the kids had been sitting, and the two girls sitting by your shoulders on the couch you were leaning against. Your knees automatically pulled into your chest since you were feeling vulnerable and guilty, and your head came down to the top of your knees.  
"Why did you do this?" You muttered sadly, looking down at all the little gifts you'd received. Danneels hand came and rubbed your back as she replied,  
"It's your birthday sweetie. It's normal to get cake, and presents, and extra attention for the day."  
"No it's not. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do. I didn't even know how to unwrap a freakin box. I'm not birthday celebrating material."  
"Of course you are! You deserve to feel special on your birthday."  
"But why?"  
"Because it's a milestone. Another year to celebrate you living, and today is just a special day to celebrate your birth." She finishes.  
You internally groan, 'there's not much to celebrate'.  
"What's that?" Jensen jumped in.  
"Hmm?"  
"I said, what did you say?" Of course you had to have said it out loud you fucking idiot!  
"Nothing. Uh, you guys can have these back, I adore them, and I'll definitely keep the drawings, but I can't accept the rest."  
Gen tilted her head in a mixture of concern and general curiosity.  
"Why not?" She quietly inquired.  
"Because they cost money. Money I don't have to return to you guys."  
"It's a gift, you're not supposed to pay it back, or return it. We love you, Y/n/n, and today, this is our way of showing you you are important. We don't need anything back, we don't want anything back, as long as you're happy that's payment enough."

You sighed, knowing you weren't going to win with this one.  
"How about," Jared started, "we spend the rest of the day doing fun stuff, have a swim, eat a whole bunch of junk, maybe watch a movie, and you can open these-" he patted the top of the boxes. "Tonight." You hesitated you really didn't want to take any part of your birthday, but looks like you weren't really being given the option.  
"Okay.." Your voice was quiet and showed its hesitance. Jensen patted your shoulder and stood, along with the rest of you.  
"Welp, we should all get ready for the pool, they've gotta be getting impatient now." As if on cue, the kids started calling out for everyone. 

Everyone parted and headed to their rooms to get into their swimmers. You were worried about the kids seeing your body, for one- you were still fat. At least in your eyes you were. And secondly, you were still a bit beaten and bruised. You had a few purple marks lingering randomly over your skin, but the worst parts were the cuts. Not just the ones from your parents, but the ones from yourself. Nevertheless, you found your swim suit, pulled it on, threw on a robe and tied it up, then headed out to the backyard to meet up with the kids. 

 

GENS POV:

As soon as I made it upstairs to my shared bedroom with Jared and immediately broke down. Jared was quick to come to my side and wrap his arm around me. He lead me to the bed and sat me down, kneeling in front of me.  
"Hey.. What's wrong baby?" He questions, concerned.  
"She's never had a birthday party before Jare,... She hasn't even gotten present. What kind of kid hasn't had a birthday party?" Jared stands up and sits next to me, tucking me under his arm and holding me tightly. He rubs my bicep affectionate and lovingly.  
"I know. It's not fair to her. But the only thing we can do is give her one. We can give her the experience. We can show her what a real family is like. Alright?" I nod, still a little teary eyed. He smiles a little at me and wipes away the tears from my eyes and stands, holding his hand out to help me up. I wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face into his chest. I take a few deep breaths and he rubs my back.  
"How do you guys deal with this so well?.." I mumble. I hear him huff a laugh and mumble in return,  
"We didn't. We didn't deal with it. We were disasters." He chuckles slightly.  
"She's still here isn't she? You obviously did an amazing job. She's a beautiful girl, and I know for a fact that she didn't learn that from her parents. It was all you boys. I love you so much. I miss you every second you're gone." He pulls me tighter and we just hug in silence for a minute before we pull away from each other and decide its best to get ready for the pool. 

I walk to Odettes nursery, noticing that she's just starting to wake up. "Hello my beautiful baby." I coo and watch as she stretches and yawns, before she smiles brightly up at me, showing off her gums. I reach down and pull her up. "How about we get you ready for the pool missy?" She wiggles in my arms and I give a soft laugh. Dressing her up in a cute swim suit (with a built in skirt!) I put a little waterproof hat on her and some sunscreen and head outside. Jared wasn't in the room when I walked past, so he's obviously already gone down to the yard. I carefully skip down the steps, Odette on my hip and I look out to the backyard though the glass window. Jared is in the pool, along with Shep, Tom, and JJ. Danneel is lying back on a pool chair, and Jensen is prepping himself to get into the pool with Arrow and Zeppelin. Y/n is sitting on a pool chair furthest away from where everyone is. She's wearing a long robe, and she's tucked her knees under her chin and she's watching the rest of the kids and adults enjoy the time outside. I knew she mustn't feel comfortable enough to just wear a swimsuit, considering her skin is littered with scars and, as much as I hate to think about it, cuts. But i feel bad for the poor girl. She's hurting, through no fault of her own.

Odette starts to fuss in my arms and I bounce her up and down. "Alright, alright I'm goin!" I say as I open the sliding door and walk out, closing it behind me. Jensen had gotten in the pool and he had the twins splashing in each arm, with wide smiles on both of their faces, laughing at the silly faces Jens was making at them, which inevitably made me laugh. I walked over to Dani and sat down. Odette started reaching for Jared and the fake tears started up quickly.  
"Here, hand her to me," Jared said, reaching out from the pool. I stood and handed her down to him, but as soon as her feet hit the water, she started bawling. She'd never been a fan of the pool, so this didn't surprise me in the slightest. Jared tried to jump her up and down, cooing at her and speaking in a voice three octaves higher than natural, but nothing worked. He tried to hand her back to me but the cries only got louder.  
"I think she wants her daddy but she wants him out of the pool." I laughed. Jared groaned as he walked towards the steps and hopped out. I decided I should take his place, so I sat on the edge of the pool and slid in, instantly being greeted by three happy kids.

 

JENSENS POV. 

"Hey Y/n! You comin' in?" I yelled out to her. I wanted today to be lighthearted and fun for her. I don't want her to think she needs to hide from us. I want today to be good for her.  
"I.." I watch as she sighed. "I think I might just watch from here." She gives me a tight lipped smile. I sigh in defeat, knowing how uncomfortable she must be feeling with herself. I wish I could change it. Make her understand that we love her no matter what. What she looks like doesn't change the fact that she is a beautiful, kind, selfless girl. I saw Jared walking over to her, Odette in hand. He sat on the pool chair next to hers and started talking. I could tell by the looks on their faces that it wasn't a light topic. I immediately knew what it was about. I decided to pay attention to something else, knowing that she doesn't like being the centre of attention.  
"You having fun there, honey?" I look to Danneel, who's reading quietly, soaking in the sun.  
"Ugh. I don't think I've felt this relaxed since the last time you were home." She sighs, content. I chuckle at her relaxation and enthusiasm. Jared and Y/n stand and make their way past us.  
"Hey Dani, mind holding Odette for a minute?" He asks Danneel.  
"No problem." She smiles and sits up, reaching out for the baby. "Hey munchkin."  
Jared then lead y/n inside. I kind of wonder what they're doing, but I don't question it. A few minutes later, they both walk through the door again. Y/n is now wearing a large flannel shirt that drops past her hands and to her knees. She's quite a short girl so it doesn't surprise me how large Jared's shirt would be on her.  
She side hugged Jared and mumbled something I couldn't quite make out, then she walks over to the side of the pool and sits on the edge, dropping her feet and calves into the water. Lifting herself with her hands on the edge of the pool, she drops into the water, instinctively lifting her arms to avoid the chill you get with the first contact. Odette had been fussing ever since Jared had handed her to Dani, and even when he took her back, she continues to squirm.  
"What's up baby girl?" He asked as he bounced her on his hip. 

After five minutes of him trying to calm her down, I saw Y/n swim to the edge of the pool and hold her arms out. I grimaced at Danneel. We all knew Odette despised the pool, but Y/n's never seen her in the water before. Nevertheless, Jared handed the little girl over to her and she sat her on the edge of the pool. When Odette's feet came into contact with the water, she started to cry. I saw y/n gasp dramatically as I continued to bounce Arrow and Zep in either of my arms.  
"Oh no.. Did the water wet you? Did it Detty?" She asked whilst playing with Odette's little feet as she continued to wail. "That's naughty water. Naughty, naughty water." She said as she smacked the top of the water, pretending to tell it off. When her efforts didn't make much difference, we watched as she tried to come up with another idea. I saw a cheeky grin spread across her face.  
"Hey Odette," she caught her attention by gently pinching her cheek, "where's Y/n?" She asked, just before she held her breath and dropped into the water. I watched as the baby stopped wailing and looked around the water, not being able to spot y/n. Just as her bottom lip started to tremble again, y/n popped out of the water in front of her.  
"Peekaboo!" She squeaked. Odette smiled a gummy smile in response. Y/n held her breath again, disappearing into the water. Odette kicked her feet in the water, flailing her arms while she smiled widely. Y/n popped back up a few meters away from her this time, her back facing towards the baby girl. She pretends to look around, confused.  
"Where is she? Odette! Where are youuu?" She turned around as Odette screeched in delight. Y/n gasps loudly.  
"There she is!" She bobs back under the water and odette looks around the pool.  
"Peekaboo!" She exclaims as she pops back up in front of Odette. Odette then reaches out and clutches Y/n's cheeks with her chubby little hands, squealing with joy. Y/n starts to back away, ready to do it again, before Odette protests grumpily.  
"What?" She asks the pouting baby. Odette reaches out towards her and starts doing her 'grabby hands'.  
"Ooh! You wanna come with me?" She asks. Odette's eyes light up as she goes towards her and picks her up off the edge, pulling her into the water, resting her on her rib cage and in her arm. Odette starts to whimper, looking around the water and holding her arms away from it.  
"Look, it's okay." Y/n coo'd. She shrunk more into the water, holding Odette above it with her hands and hiding half of her face under the surface whilst blowing bubbles, inevitably causing Odette to laugh.  
"Yeah. There's my girl." 

You spent the next few minutes solely focusing on Odette, making sure she was comfortable and not going to throw a hissy fit. After you started to relax more, your attention started to drift to the adults who were staring at you in awe with a mix of shock. Your eyes widen slightly as you pull the baby closer into you subconsciously.  
"...what?"  
"Geez kid, how the heck did you do that?" Jared huffed a laugh. You stand still for a few seconds, mouth opening and closing a few times whilst you think of what you should say.  
"Do..?"  
"Odette has never- and I mean never- not screamed in the pool. We've never been able to get her in for longer then two minutes, and they're usually full of tears and screeching." A small wave of pride crashed through you.  
"I guess I'm just the favourite." You shrugged whilst wearing a triumphant smirk.  
"Yeah yeah, don't rub it in miss birthday girl." Jared scoffed a laugh, shaking his head at your funny behaviour. 

You all spent the morning hanging out in the pool and the back yard, eventually having lunch and returning inside to the couch. You had all changed into daggy clothes, ready for a good afternoon of relaxing. You were cuddled up with Arrow in one arm, and your other around Shep, watching the big TV screen as the beginning of 'Tangled' began to play. JJ was behind you, messily braiding your hair. You made it halfway through the movie, before your mind started to wander, your eyes skipping around the room to find any distraction that could hold your attention for longer than the Tv could. 

"Kiddos, as much as I'm sure Y/n would love to watch the rest of tangled, we need to steal her away for a little while. That okay?" Gen asked politely, quickly being met by shushes and 'mm hmm's'.  
"Ha. It's nice to know I'm going to be missed." You laughed. Gen giggled along with you as she led you to the kitchen. You still had a sleeping Arrow in your arms, and Danneel gestured for you to pass her over, probably so she could put her in the nursery with Odette and Zep, who were also sleeping away peacefully.  
Once she arrived back from the nursery, Jared motions for you to follow him. You followed him up the stairs and into the spare bedroom you were currently occupying, the rest of the adults following behind. 

Jared seemed to be getting more and more nervous the closer we got to the room, causing my anxiety to increase. What were they so nervous about? What were we doing? He stopped in front of the door and waited for everyone to catch up. 

"Now, don't freak out, okay? Just-" he sighed. "Just don't freak out.." He pushed the door open slowly and your eyes widened as you took in the sight in front of you..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I'm so damn sorry. I'm so so sorry it's taken my ass so long to write this. And the sad part is it isn't even worth reading. Ugh. 2017 has been, THE shittiest year of my life. And I'm sad to still be living it. 
> 
> Anyways guys. I can't tell you how sorry I am. I hope you enjoyed. What would you like to see in future chapters? What do you thinks in the room? How are you all?
> 
> Love you guys,  
> AKF


	13. How?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is it floof? Is it angst? You’ll never know until u go!  
> (Its a bit shorter then normal sorry..)
> 
>  
> 
> ....why are you still here? Shoo.

Previously;

"Now, don't freak out, okay? Just-" he sighed. "Just don't freak out.." He pushed the door open slowly and your eyes widened as you took in the sight in front of you..

Now;

He twisted the handle and pushed the door open, revealing a beautifully decorated room, full of gorgeous plants and pillows. The room was white with a pale grey feature wall, the walls holding dark tree oak shelves, holding white pots with succulents and ferns. There was a queen sized bed against the window that expands the length of the furthest wall from the door, fairy lights were hanging all the way along the window. The bed spread was white and lacy, with grey and pastel coloured pillows, with your beloved teddy from when you’d first met the boys. There were shelves, a desk, and a little quiet corner with a hanging chair and blankets. 

“Wow..” you whispered under your breath. You slowly walked past Jared and into the mysterious room. You looked around and ran your fingers along the desk as you passed it. “What is this?” You turned around and looked towards the four adults questioningly. Your entire body filled with fear, but also love for them as they started to reply.   
“It’s, uh, it’s for you.”Jared said. Everyone else remained quiet. “It’d probably make a lot more sense if you- um- maybe you should- you know what, you should just” He rambled, before Gen interrupted him.   
“Go look on the bed sweetheart.” She smiled. You could see the nerves in her expression as you sceptically turned and walked towards the bed. There was a letter with a cursive ‘Y/n’ on the front, along with a file underneath it.   
“Read the letter first.” Danneel added. You sat towards the end of the bed and pick up the letter, gently prying it open. You paused for a second, before you took a deep breath and opened the letter. You started to read. 

“To our Dearest Y/n,

Within the past three years, we’ve all gotten to know you, but especially within the past year. We know things have been really difficult for you lately, and even in the past, but there is absolutely nothing we would do to change you. 

You’re a beautiful, beautiful girl Y/n/n. You have such a kind soul, always putting others before you and making sure people know you care. That you love them. You’re the most genuine and gorgeous girl we’ve ever had such a close bond with. 

All that you’ve been through recently will make you stronger, and we promise that we’ll be with you every step of the way (weather you like it or not, sorry bub). It’s so hard to believe how incredible and giving you are towards others after everything you’ve been through. It’s so amazing to see someone so young so passionate towards her work, her friends, and her unconditional love for everyone around her. No matter what they’ve done to you. 

We’ve spend so much time together recently. We’re learning more and more about you, and it’s always exciting and sometimes heartbreaking to see you grow so quickly. 

We know you’ve had a rough time. You’re under a constant dark cloud, that often makes you feel unimportant or invisible, that always makes you feel alone or unwanted. You’ve given your heart to the wrong people over and over, and yet you still find the good in them all. We don’t miss the way your smile doesn’t reach your eyes anymore, or the way you kindly reject offers of support, love, and gifts. You feel the need to close off, protect yourself from the harsh world around you. 

We don’t want you to have to protect yourself anymore. We don’t want you to wake up and wish you didn’t. We don’t want you to feel alone. We don’t want you not to know what family is. 

We are your family. We love you so damn much bub. We love you with all your ups and downs, all your flaws and perfections. We love you because you are you. Not because of anything other than the fact that you are so, so important and special to us. You matter to us; and we’d like to show you how much we love you, if you’ll let us. 

Underneath this letter, was a file filled with papers for adoption. For your adoption. Gen and Dani went to court whilst we’ve been away, and as soon as your parents went into prison, they lost custody of you. Myself and Gen would love if you would be apart of our family, allowing us to take you in and show you what it’s like to have everyone love you and care for you. You deserve to know what that’s like. What it’s like to have your family not hurt you like your past has. Jensen and Dani would become uncle and auntie, along with Misha and Vicki. Tom, Shep, Odette, JJ, Arrow, Zep, Maison, West, they would all be a part of your family. Your real family. 

It’s up to you sweetheart. Take your time. Think about what you need and what you want. Just know we love you more than anything, and we hope you decide to become a Padalecki. We love you with all our hearts sweetie.

We love you so much, 

Jared, Gen, Jensen, Danneel. Xx”

You’d started silently bawling half way through the letter, but continued on reading through the blur of the tears; but when you got to the mention of adoption, you completely broke, openly sobbing into your free hand as you desperately tried to read the end of the letter. Once you’d finished, you dropped the letter on the side of the bed and slid off the duvet onto the floor curling into your knees and sobbing into your hands. 

You were so overwhelmed. You didn’t know that they cared this much. You never knew how much they loved you. But... adoption? That was too scary. You don’t know what to think. You just know that it feels wrong. It feels like the world around you was collapsing. 

You felt a large hand on your shoulder and you shot up off the floor and sprinted out of the room, down the stairs, and straight through the front door- completely missing the devastated and heartbroken looks coming from the adults you left behind. You also missed the way that Tom and Shep had collected with the adults outside of the room, big smiles on their faces as they awaited for your reaction- their big sisters- reaction. Only to be met with you sprinting past and running right out of the situation, taking nothing with you. 

 

Jared’s POV:

I watched as Y/n sprinted out of the room, down the stairs, and out the front door, our calls for her falling onto deaf ears.   
“I’m gonna go get her,” Jensen skipped quickly down the stairs and grasped his keys. “She doesn’t know this area well. Who knows where she’ll end up.” As he headed towards the front, I grasped his arm.   
“Jens. Let her go.” I say as calmly as I possibly could. I looked over to the stairs to see Gen and Dani talking to the boys and JJ, who had come out of the play room when she heard everyone calling after you.   
“What?! What do you mean let her go? She’s gonna bolt Jared!”  
“She’s not going to bolt, Jensen. She’s overwhelmed. She’s scared. She needs time to herself so she can think about this. It’s not something to take lightly.”  
“So, what. I’m just supposed to stand back and wait for her to come to us? Newsflash- she doesn’t come to us! She never comes to us!; and you know why? Because she doesn’t trust us!” Jensen was breathing heavily as he tried to calm himself down. I stood there with my brows furrowed, before I replied softly.   
“This isn’t just about the adoption, is it?” Jensen sighed as he ran a hand over his face.   
“Talk to me, Jens. It’s what I’m here for.” He hesitated for a minute before he replied.   
“I’m sorry Jare. It’s not your fault- it’s just that I’m so damn worried about her, especially recently, and I haven’t really... dealt with it. I just keep hoping and praying that finally, one day, she’ll come to us. She’ll be okay. But I can’t shake the feeling that’ll never happen because I feel like-”  
“Feel like she doesn’t trust us. Yeah I know.” I sighed. I knew it was gonna be hard for her, but I didn’t prepare myself for this reaction. I feel so guilty for putting her into this position without giving her an out.   
“Hey,” Jensen’s hands clasped my shoulder. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t know she’d react. Hell, none of us did. Don’t put this on yourself.”  
I nodded slowly as I try to accept the reality. I know it’s not my fault. Not really. But it’s not her fault either. I smile sadly at him, and her pulls me into a hug, patting my head twice before he pulled away.   
“So. What do we do now?” Gen asked as she started descending the stairs with Danneel, Odette on her hip. The kids must be in the upstairs play room.   
“I guess we wait for her to come back.”

_______________________________

It had been eight hours since Y/n had run out, and all the adults were beyond concerned. The kids had been put to bed- it was getting too late for the, to stay up much longer. I pinched the bridge of my nose with my thumb and pointer finger. Where was she? 

I was sitting on the couch with Gen leaning into my side. Jensen and Danneel were on the couch next to ours. No one was talking. The tv was off. Not even music was playing. All o four attention shot to my phone as it started ringing. I leaned forward, probably quicker than I should’ve, and read the screen. ‘Unknown number’. I picked it up, seemingly knowing exactly who it was.   
“Y/n?”  
“Jared?”  
“It’s me Y/n, sweetheart where are you?”  
“I don’t know.. I’m at a park. I’m using the pay phone.” I could hear you sniffling on the other end and my heart broke. This was all our fault.   
“Stay there Bub, I’ll come find you. Do you want me to come find you?” I had already stood up and grabbed my car keys, slipping on some shoes.   
“Yeah.. please don’t bring anyone else Jared.”  
“Okay. I’ll come by myself alright? I’ll bring a towel for you. I’ll find you soon. Sit tight okay?”  
“Okay..”

She hung up the phone and I ran to the linen cupboard and grabbed two towels, realising I might need one soon too. It had been pouring for hours. If she hadn’t found any shelter, she’s be soaked through head to toe. I ran back into the lounge room, where everyone was standing, waiting for me to talk to them.   
“That was Y/n/n.. she’s at some park using a pay phone. I’m gonna go find her.”  
“Okay, we’ll come with you.” Danneel stated as the others nodded and murmured in agreement.   
“Actually, she just wanted to see me..” they all looked at me, confusion and a bit of hurt on each of their faces. “I don’t know why, but she just wanted me to pick her up. I’m sorry.” Gen stepped forward and took my hand in hers.  
“Bring her back to us, okay?” I nodded my head with a sympathetic smile as she let go of my hand and I sprinted in the rain to my car. 

____________________________________________

 

I had been past four parks so far, and she was still nowhere in sight. Damn it where is she. I’m driving down random streets. I have no clue where anymore parks are. I turn down a new street called ‘Clarence’ Street. I continue to drive in the pouring rain, and I’m just about to turn around and go home, when I see her, sitting soaking wet on a wooden park bench, swings and slides sitting empty behind her. I pulled over as quickly as I could and grabbed the two towels, opening the door and slamming it shut, walking over to her. She didn’t look up at me as I approached. 

“Y/n?” She remains still and silent. I take a deep breath before I decided to deal with the rain. I sat down next to her, I turned to face her as she wrung her hands in her lap.   
“What’re you thinking Bub?” I asked. She’d been missing for hours, walking at least 5 kilometres in the freezing cold rain. She swallowed hard and breathed heavily. 

“You don’t want this Jared.” She said seriously, bringing her head up and looking directly into my eyes. “You don’t want someone like me Jared. I promise you.” My heart was sinking at her words. I don’t know how she could think like this about herself.   
“Of corse we want you sweetheart. We love you. So much.”  
“No. You don’t. You don’t know me Jared. You don’t know what I’m like. You don’t know who I am.”  
“Yes I do.”  
“No you don’t! How can you know who I am? I don’t even know who I am!”  
I remained silent. I decided it was best to just let her let it go. She took a shaky breath.   
“Jared. I’m fucked up. You have no clue how truly screwed I am. I can’t be a part of your family. I hate the idea of family. I don’t want a family. It makes me feel sick. I am terrified of the idea of family. Because every time I think of family, I think of them. The people who completely ruined me. They ruined me Jared. They destroyed my life. I hate them. But I love them, but I want nothing to do with a family because-“ she choked out a sob. “Because I don’t want you to be like them. I’m so scared that you’re gonna be like them. That you’re gonna learn to hate me. I know you’re nothing like that. And I love you more than anything. But that’s all family is to me. Family is just another way to say abuse to me. My entire life family has been abuse. I can’t change that. You re an amazing man, Jared. I know you’re nothing, nothing like that. You’d never hurt me. But I can’t help how my reality has made me feel. I can’t do this. I’m sorry. And with everything that’s been happening in my head and with the baby, I can’t bring myself to-“

“What?” My face went slack in shock..  
“What?” She looked at me with wide eyes.   
“What did you just say?” My insides twist violently as I wait for her to answer.   
“I said with everything that’s been going on in my hapead and w-...” I saw her entire world stop as she stared in front of her. She paled, and looks like she was gonna puke.   
“Y/n.. are you..”  
“No. No, I- I don’t know why I said that..”  
“...Y/n/n... you know you can trust me, right? It’s okay.” Her eyes filled with tears as her lip pouted, her face scrunched up as she burst into tears and covered her face with her hands. I scoot closer and tightly wrap my arms around her, never wanting to let go. How did this happen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAAAAT?! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!?!
> 
> I’m so sorry it took so long to post. I really don’t have an excuse. Things have been complete shit. That’s just it. I’m sorry. Love you guys. Thanks for sticking around Xx


	14. Get out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA  
> NO FLUFF HERE. ANGST CENTRAL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please please heed the wardings. I’m adding some extra warnings here just as a precaution. 
> 
> Mentions of rape.  
> Pregnancy.  
> Scary Jensen.  
> Everyone pissed off at Jensen. 
> 
> There is nothing happy here. Sorry guys.
> 
> *guys. I know Jensen is NOTHING like this and he’d never do this, but it was for the sake of the story so please know that this will be very out of character for Jensen and I promise it will sort itself out in future chapters*

“What?” My face went slack in shock..  
“What?” She looked at me with wide eyes.  
“What did you just say?” My insides twist violently as I wait for her to answer.  
“I said with everything that’s been going on in my hapead and w-...” I saw her entire world stop as she stared in front of her. She paled, and looks like she was gonna puke.  
“Y/n.. are you..”  
“No. No, I- I don’t know why I said that..”  
“...Y/n/n... you know you can trust me, right? It’s okay.” Her eyes filled with tears as her lip pouted, her face scrunched up as she burst into tears and covered her face with her hands. I scoot closer and tightly wrap my arms around her, never wanting to let go. How did this happen?

The silence as I drove home was deafening. We packed it up pretty quickly after Y/n had calmed down a bit, but we were both soaked to the bone so how long we were there didn’t really make a difference. All in all I’d been gone for about an hour. I knew the kids would be in bed right now, so I wasn’t worried about having to explain what had happened merely hours before. Gen had been texting me non stop, worried about weather I’d found her, if she was okay, if I was okay. 

I pulled up into the driveway and parked the car. I looked over the her, she was pressed against the door, curled in on herself. I sighed. She wouldn’t tell me what happened, but right now I knew not to push her, she had enough going on right now. How I felt didn’t matter. 

Looking at her now, she looks like such a different person from the girl we knew only mere months before. It hurts to see her like this. I feel like I’m running in circles trying to find a way to help her, only to be met with a dead end. 

I reached over and gently touched her bicep, she didn’t even react.  
“Y/n.” I rubbed my hand up and down her arm, “you ready to go in?” I made sure my voice was gentle. I didn’t want to accidentally upset her again. She was already on the verge, I didn’t need to push her further. 

She shook her head at me. “No. Not yet.” I strained to hear what she was saying, but I caught it. I decided I’d wait with her till she was ready. I knew the others had heard we’d gotten back, it was only a matter of time before someone wondered why we were taking so long. 

I saw the front door open and Gen peeked her head out. I shook my head at her, mouthing ‘just wait’ she nodded, leaving the door open but going back inside. 

“How about you come in and have a nice, hot shower?” My voice was gentle and calm. I didn’t want her to think I was mad at her. 

“I can’t tell them.. I can’t tell them.” I’d seen her scared before. I’ve seen her suffer through panic attacks and bouts of depression, but I’d never seen her like this. She was trying to hide it, and to an outsider, she’d be doing well. But I knew her. And she was terrified. 

“How about this, we can go in, you can go up and have a shower, and if you want me to, I can talk to the others. The kiddies will be asleep by now, so you’ll have to shower in Gen and mines ensuite. Whatever you decide you wanna do, I’ll support you, and I know they will too. I promise.”

I watch her take it all in, absorbing the information and letting it sit before coming to a decision. 

“Okay..” she sighed. Her hands were fidgeting in her lap, so I took them into mine. 

“Hey. It’s gonna be okay.” She didn’t answer me. She didn’t even look me in the eyes. She pulled her hands out of mine and opened the car door, and got out. I followed right after her, jumping out of my side, locking the car and walking in behind her, closing the front door and closing all the locks. 

Jensen’s POV:

I heard them before I saw them, but when I did they didn’t look good. They were both soaked to the bone, hair dripping and clothes weighed down. I stood from my place on the couch and took a step towards them. Y/n then grabbed onto Jared’s arm and tugged at his sleeve, something you’d see a scared kid do. She whispered something to him before turning around and going up the stairs. I sigh. 

“She’s going to have a shower..” Jared revealed, keeping his eyes on the ground. 

“Here, I brought some clothes down for you in case you want to get changed. You look freezing.” Gen walked over to him and handed some warm clothes to him. She places her hands on his arms, “Is she okay?” 

I held my breath in hopes for a positive answer, and Jared sucked in a deep breath before letting it go- a telltale sign he was stressed. 

“No. She’s not.”

“Go get changed okay, we’ll be here.”

______________________________________________________________________________________

Jared’s POV:

Once i’d changed I went back out, sitting next to Gen as she took me into her arms. I hugged her back as I got comfortable, knowing what I had to tell them. 

“What did she say?” Danneel asked, straight to the point. And I don’t blame them. They all wanted the answers I had, that they’d been waiting for for hours. 

“She’s scared.” I started simply, “she doesn’t see family like we do. Because she’s never experienced it like we have. All she’s ever had is abusive, alcoholic, drug addicted parents. That’s what family is to her. It’s the only thing she knows, and when she thinks about becoming a part of our families, that’s what she thinks of.”

“What so she thinks we’re gonna beat her four times a week?” Jensen was getting frustrated, but I needed to keep them calm for her sake. 

“No. Well, kinda. Her family has always been like that, and she’s scared that if she is apart of our family, we could do the same thing they did to her. Now, she knows, and she told me she knows that we would never hurt her, but it’s so natural for her to think that way, it happens automatically. It’s not her fault.”

“I know it’s not her fault, but she really thinks we’d lay a hand on her? We’ve got kids, she knows we would hurt them or her.”  
“Jensen, I think you need to see that all her life, this is what it’s been like, and the thought of even possibly putting herself - voluntarily- into a situation that could be like that again, that’s really hard.” Danneel tried. I saw Jensen think as he nodded his head and rubbed his hands over his face. 

I was nervous telling Jensen the news when he was like this, but I had to do this for Y/n. 

“Y/n accidentally told me something while we were talking.” All of their eyes focused back to me, waiting for what I had to say. I could tell they were confused and a bit concerned about the way I was talking. God I don’t know how to say this.  
“I don’t know how,” I took a deep breath, “but Y/n told me she’s pregnant. I didn’t push her any further because she-“

“She’s What?” Jensen interrupted. He was trying to keep calm but I could see the anger brewing beneath his facade, which made me worry. I hesitated as I spoke. 

“She’s pregnant.” 

“She’s pregnant?” He seethed. 

“Jensen you need to calm down.” Gen spoke as we sat up a bit straighter. 

“She’s pregnant?! She’s PREGNANT?!”

“Jensen, shut up! You’re gonna wake the kids.” Danneel whisper yelled. 

“What do you MEAN she’s pregnant!”

“Look, Jensen, I don’t know how, but it wasn’t my right-“

“What do you mean you don’t know how?! She’s been having SEX that’s how!” He’d gotten to his feet as had everyone else. 

“Jensen, bre-“ his wife tried,

“Where is she.” He was furious and what scared me was that he was no longer yelling, but rather mumbling. 

Before we could process what was happening, he kicked the table leg, breaking it instantly, before sprinting up the stairs, two at a time. 

“Jensen!” I sprinted up the stairs after him, seeing him open Y/n’s new room and slam the door against the wall, leaving her room wide open as he strode in. Y/n was brushing her hair and still had a towel wrapped around her body as Jensen forced himself into her room, frightening her. 

I ran in after him and grabbed his arm, and he pushed me off. He was standing right in front of her, chest puffed out and panting heavily, a snarl on his face. I could see the fear in her eyes. This wasn’t the Jensen she knew. 

“You’re pregnant?” He growled

“Jensen. stop.” I growled back

“Shut up!” He turned back to me as he said it before returning his attention to her. 

“Are you pregnant?!” He exclaimed, taking another step into her personal space. Her eyes were watering and she was shaking as she nodded her head. “You’re 17 Y/n! You shouldn’t be having sex! Why the fuck are you sleeping around like some WHORE?! Huh?!” I saw a string inside Y/n snap and she took a step forward and slapped him across the face. 

“You DONT talk to me like that! You have NO IDEA what happened! You have NO right to judge me OR my baby.” She shoved her finger into his chest as she spoke. 

“Oh yes I do! I have every right to judge you. I helped RAISE you! I know you’ve been sleeping around with whoever you can find because you’re so desperate to find someone who’ll love you! Can’t you see we love you?! Why the fuck do you have to go slutting around, having sex with-“

“WHO SAID I WANTED TO?! HUH?! WHO SAID I EVEN HAD A CHOICE YOU FUCKING PRICK! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!” She shoved him back as hard as she could, causing him to stumble back into me. I was in complete shock. My baby girl. My precious Y/n. Someone touched her.. 

“What?..” Jensen whispered, all the anger evaporating, like it was never there. 

“You heard me.” Her voice was strong and unwavering, and I wondered how when even I was about to burst into tears. “Now get out.”

I grabbed Jensen by the arms and roughly pulled him out of the room, not caring how he felt. He hurt my girl. 

Gen and Danneel had been watching the whole thing from outside of the room, tears streaming down their faces in shock and complete pain for what Y/n went through. Alone. 

“Get out of my house. Right now.” Gen growled at Jensen stalking up to him like prey. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know-“ 

“No. You didn’t. And yet you thought you had the right to judge her just because you didn’t think. You have no right to be here. Get out. Think about what you just did to her. No wonder she doesn’t want a family.” Gen walks to our room and slams the door. Hard. 

I whisper “I think you should go.” Before walking after my wife, who I found completely distraught on the floor. 

Danneel’s POV: 

I was furious. And I was hurting. How dare he do that to that poor little girl. This wasn’t the man I married. This wasn’t the man I loved. 

“You have five seconds to get down those stairs, get in the car, and drive yourself home. I’m staying here with the kids. You need to think about what you’ve done.”

“Danneel, I-“

“No. I don’t want to hear it. You go home and you find a way to APOLOGISE to that girl in there. If you can. I’ll be home tomorrow morning.” I pulled the keys out of my pocket before I threw them to him, walking away and shutting myself into the spare room. 

 

Jensen’s POV:  
I fucked up. I royally fucked up. I don’t know what came over me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. How dare I? Why would I do that? Why did I do the exact thing I said I wouldn’t do. I pulled out my phone as I sat in the car and I called Y/n’s number. Voicemail. I called again. Voicemail. I had to talk to her. I had to say sorry. What have I done? 

I call her again. 

“Stop calling me Jensen.” 

“Y/n, I-“ *dial tone* she hung up. 

I called again, straight to voicemail. I decided to leave a message. 

“Y/n/n’s I am so, so sorry. I’m so sorry. I have no words to describe how fucking sorry I am. I’m so sorry. I need to make this up to you, please, please tell me what I can do. I will do anything I can. I fucked up. I really fucked up and I’m so sorry. I lost control. I promise you, I will never EVER hurt you. I got mad and I made a mistake. A huge fucking mistake. I will do everything to make it up it up to you. I’m so sorry sweetheart. Please call me if you hear this. Please. I love you so damn much sweetheart. I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please lemme know what you think and what you want to happen. Please please send me requests, if you want it to be anonymous, please tell me, and I can make sure no one else sees your message :) but please send me another message I can reply to so I can let you know if I can do it or not :) I will be posting at least 1 oneshot before every chapter of this series, so the more the better!


	15. Who wants a new chapter?

Does anyone want a new chapter tonigh or tomorrow?   
What would you like to see?   
(To the person who’s been requesting some comfort from the boys, I’m listening, and it’ll definitely have some love in there :) and I’m also thinking about a dog :) what do you guys want to happen next with Jensen and the story


	16. Oh baby..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oof. Sorry I took so long guys. Lol.  
> Please request stuff, because I won’t be publishing this story if I don’t get at least one request. Sorry to sound mean, but I need inspiration and reason to write!
> 
> Word count: 2,602
> 
> Some warnings for this chapter:  
> Vomiting,  
> Mentions of rape,  
> Mentions of abortion,  
> Lots of angst,  
> Some fluffiness,  
> Probably some typos too. I didn’t proof read this XD  
> Off ya go! Go read! 
> 
>  
> 
> .....heehehehe

Jared’s POV:

I wake up and look towards the clock, squinting my eyes at the bright red numbering which reads 3:47am. I groan as I look around, searching for what could’ve woken me up so early in the morning. I see Gen sleeping peacefully next to me, curled on her side, her leg over my waist. Last night we spent what felt like forever holding each other as we both fell apart at the idea of what had happened to Y/n. 

I carefully push Gens leg aside and stand up, stretching my arms above my head and yawning widely. I open and close our bedroom door behind me, being careful not to wake Gen or Odette. I walk down the hallway before I hear the distinct noise of someone vomiting. I check Shep and Tom’s room as I walk past, seeing both of them fast asleep; tangled in their bed sheets. Must be Y/n..

I haven’t seen her since yesterday night, she’d locked herself in her room and refused to come out or talk. I could hear her phone ringing non stop all night before she must’ve turned it off. I’m so incredibly worried about her. When had this happened? Who was it? Did she know? I can understand why she might not have gotten help, but.. wouldn’t she have told.. anyone? Me? Maybe if I had- no. No. I can’t think like that. This isn’t about me. 

I knock on the bathroom door and slightly crack it open, seeing Y/n sitting on the ground, arms wrapped around her stomach as her head rested against the toilet seat. I could see her taking deep breaths with her eyes shut. I walk in and shut the door behind me, grimacing as she jerked forward after burping, the contents of her stomach splashing into the toilet bowl. I gently place my hand on her shoulder, obviously startling her as she jumped. I shushed her as I pulled her hair from her sweaty face and reached for a hair tie on top of the counter, placing her hair in the quickest bun I could manage. I sit down next to her as I rub my hand over her back, up and down. 

“Go away Jared,” she grumbled out. “I don’t want you here.” She finished as her stomach growled and she leaned forward and her stomach continued to empty its contents. I looked down and saw her hands were shaking, all her skin was clammy and coated with a sheen of sweat.  
“Sorry sweetheart, I’m not going anywhere.” I can hear her sigh as she places her head back down, not in the mood to argue. 

We sat there for another 25 minutes, Y/n throwing up on and off, and towards the end was painful dry heaving. She decided to sit for a few more minutes, making sure she was done. I know I couldn’t have worse timing, but I have to try. 

“Y/n/n, can we talk about what you said yesterday?” I coo’d “I promise, on my heart, I will never judge you; No matter what happened..” I made sure my voice was soft and reassuring. I don’t want her to feel forced to do anything she doesn’t wanna do. She was quiet for a moment, and for a second I thought she was gonna throw up again, but she swallowed before she answered,  
“No.”  
I sighed, knowing it was a long shot but still somewhat having my hopes up.  
“Okay. That’s okay. Whenever you’re ready.”  
“No, Jared.”  
“What?”  
“I will never talk to you about it. It has nothing to do with you.” She stands as she flushes the toilet and walks to the sink, rinsing her mouth, trying to relieve herself of the vile taste lingering behind.  
“It does have something to do with me Y/n. If someone-“  
“No, Jared! I said no! Just leave it alone!” She walks out of the bathroom and I hear her bedroom door shut. Damnit. Why did I push her?  
I decide to leave her alone before I make things worse. I’ll try again in the morning..

When I wake up again in the morning, Gen is out of bed already but I can see a small body buried underneath the blankets. I gently pull them away from someone’s face and I see Y/n. She must’ve crawled in after I fell asleep at some point..

She did this for the next few night. Sleeping with Gen and I, and we found that on multiple occasions we’d both wake to the sounds of her muffled cries as she slept, and all we could do was hold her as she dreamt through it. 

It had been a week since the incident and I still haven’t spoken to Jensen. I was still pissed as hell, despite the face that he’d apologised profusely every single day afterwards.  
Today Gen, Danneel, the kids, and I were all going hiking for the day. We’d been Turing to convince Y/n to come with us but she silently refused with the shake of her head. The last time I heard her talk was the night I’d found her throwing up. 

“Hey Y/n, were leaving now. Are you sure you don’t wanna tag along? We don’t have to go all the way if you get tired. We can get your favourite ice cream on the way home too.” I smile, trying to bribe my way into convincing her to come. She shook her head again, whispering ‘no’ under her breath. I was so worried for this kid. Maybe I need to talk to Gen about some options for therapy..

“Alright kiddo, we’ll be home in a few hours, four hours tops. I love you.” I shut the bedroom door behind me and walked down the flight of stairs, shaking my head at Gen and Dani, letting them know I couldn’t get her to come. They smiled sadly at me, letting me know that it’s okay. 

Jensen’s POV

I hadn’t heard from the Padaleckis’ in almost a week. I’d been trying to contact Y/n every day, but to no avail. It never even rang. It just went straight to voicemail; so when I saw my phone ringing and the name “Padalecki” I was more than confused. 

“Jared?”  
“She’s gone. We can’t find her anywhere Jens, we’ve looked everywhere. She’s not in the house, she’s not at the park, please tell me she’s with you?”  
“Wait what? Y/n? No, she’s not with me. I haven’t heard from her or you for a week Jared. How would I know where she is?” I know I had no right to be mad, but he’s been ignoring me for a week, and now all of a sudden he needs something from me?  
“I know Jensen, but I’m so mad at what you said to her I-“  
“You think I haven’t been beating myself up everyday because of what I said?! I’ve tried everything I can to reach you, to reach her, but you never answer!”  
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but- but I don’t know where she is man. I don’t know where she’s gone.” I could hear him starting to cry on the other end and my heart hurt for him, and with him.  
“Okay. Calm down, take a deep breath okay? We’re gonna find her. We’ll find her Jare, I promise. You guys go look around the city, and I’ll go to around to a few towns and have a look there. If we can’t find her soon we’ll call the police. She’s okay. We’ll find her.”  
“Alright. I’m sorry Jensen. I shouldn’t have ignored you.”  
“It’s okay. Let’s just find our girl.”  
“Call me if you find her?”  
“You too, okay?”  
“Yeah. I’ll talk to you soon.”  
“See ya Jared.”

Whilst we were taking I’d grabbed my keys, thrown some shoes on, and climbed into the car, starting the engine. I take a second to put on my seatbelt before I’m peeling myself out of the driveway and down the streets to the two closest towns I could find. Over an hour of searching and still no luck. I start driving myself down to Shilton, a little town a few blocks over from where I’ve been looking for the last hour. I drive down the streets, apmaking sure to look at every store as I go by, and I turn down street after street before I see her walking out of.. a women’s clinic.. watch as tears slowly streak down her cheeks and she wraps her hands tightly around her stomach. She starts walking away as I swerve into the closest parking spot I can find and shove the door open.

“Y/n!” I call out, hoping she’d hear me. She turned around and looks at me and she doesn’t move. I quickly walk over to her but keep a bit of space between us, not wanting her to feel threatened. I look at her with saddened eyes.  
“What’s happened Y/n/n?” I gently place my hands on her forearms, which are still wrapped tightly on her stomach.  
She puts her head down as I see more tears fill her eyes and had hair falls over her face like a shield.  
“I didn’t know what else to do.. I didn’t know what to do.” She sobbed as I pulled her into me and held her tightly against me. Fuck.  
“Come on, lets get out of this rain.” I whisper. I guide her to the car with her still secure in my arms. 

I quickly pull out my phone as I send a mass text to Jared, Gen, and Danneel.  
‘Found her’  
My phone quickly starts going off and I shut it down, knowing my focus needs to be Y/n. I hold her hand as I drive her to my place, gently shushing her an telling her it’ll be okay. We pull in to the drive way and I shoot out of my place, quickly running around to help her out. 

I sit her on the couch as I grab a blanket and wrap it around her. She was shaking like a leaf as I sit next to her, pulling her into my side. Not even thirty seconds later, she’s started sobbing again and my heart breaks.  
“I didn’t know what to do Jensen. I didn’t know!” She wailed. I pulled her legs over my lap and held her.  
“I know sweetheart. I know.”  
I don’t know how long we stayed there for, but eventually her cries died down into hiccups and hitched breathing.  
“Shhh its okay sweetheart, just go to sleep okay? Go to sleep Y/n/n. I’m right here.” I rock back and forth to help soothe her as she drifts away into sleep. 

I hear the front door slam open and my name being called, Jared and Gen rush into the room, looking everywhere before their eyes landed on us. I made a ‘shh’ sound as they walk in, not wanting them to wake Y/n up. I continue rocking, knowing that too many noises might wake her up if I don’t.  
They move closer and sit on the couch across from me. I look behind me.  
“Where’s Danni?” I inquire quietly, looking down at Y/n/n to make sure she’s still asleep.  
“At home with the kids,” Gen replies  
“What happened?” Jared gestured to Y/n, “where was she? We looked for hours.”  
“I saw her as I was driving around Shilton.. I saw her as she came out of the clinic.”  
“The women’s clinic?” Gen questions, I nod. No one speaks.  
“What for?..” she pushes slightly. I hesitate for a minute,  
“..she didn’t know what else to do..” I mumble, absolute guilt and despair filled my voice. This is all my fault. 

I pull her closer to me, partially to comfort her, but mostly to know that she’s still there. I look up to see Jared and Gen, eyes watering as they process what I’d told them. 

“So she-“  
“I don’t know.. but.. I’m pretty sure..”  
There’s a moment where everything is silent, and all we can hear is Y/n’s slow and steady breathing.  
“I’m gonna.. take her to bed. She can have the guest room. I promised I’d stay with her, so..”  
“Yeah, Yeah sure. Do you mind if we- uh- stay? Just until she wakes back up?”  
I nod as I stand up. “Of course. Make yourself at home.” I start heading up the stairs and I stop as I hear Jared call for me. I look back at him,  
“I’m sorry. For everything.” I smile sadly at him.  
“It’s Alright Jare. I understand. I’m sorry for what I said.”  
“Thank you.” 

I turn back and head up the stairs.  
I place her gently on the bed and crawl on next to her, making sure I’m still holding her. I shut my eyes and take a deep breath. I didn’t expect to hear what I heard next. 

“I didn’t want to remember...him.. so I- I thought, maybe.. maybe if I didn’t have.. it.. I- I wouldn’t remember or wouldn’t.. feel it? I thought it would be a constant reminder of him and- and what he did to me, and I thought I’d get over it. I thought if it- if I didn’t have it, I wouldn’t care anymore but I- he couldn’t- I was- I-“  
“Shh” I push her hair from her face and the flowing tears form her cheeks. “What they did to you Y/n/n.. is the most disgusting and vile thing. And there’s no way in hell I wouldnt’ve killed them if I were there.. but sweetie, not having the baby? Won’t make it easier for you to accept what happened. It doesn’t change what he did to you. It won’t make it hurt any less than it already does. But talking about it, letting yourself hurt, that will help you. It won’t fix it, I don’t know what can, but it will sure as hell help you. You’re allowed to feel, Y/n. You’re allowed to be upset. You’re allowed to be absolutely terrified. You’re allowed to be so unimaginably mad. You’re allowed to greive, but weather you did or didn’t ge.. get rid of the baby.. we would’ve helped you through. We would’ve made it okay.”  
“How? I’m not okay..”  
“I know. But we can make you Okay. You’ve had such a shit hand sweetheart, and everyone around you wants to help you through. Me. Jared? Gen and Dani? Misha and Vic? Everyone wants you to be happy. Even if they don’t know everything, they love you. They care for you. My family and Jare’s especially. Please please please, you need us. And we need you. Just let us help you. Just let us be with you.”  
“I don’t know how.”  
“Let us show you. Do you trust us?”

She nods her head. 

“Baby girl, do you know who did this to you?”  
“..Yes..” she breathes out.  
“Okay. Okay. That’s good. Do you wanna tell me?..” she shakes her head as she whimpers,  
“I can’t.. I can’t.”  
“That’s okay. That’s okay baby, just take your time with whatever you need to.”

We were both quiet for a few minutes as she pushed herself in closer to me. But I had one question on my mind that hasn’t been 100% clear.

“Did you? It’s okay if you did sweetheart, it’s okay, but it’s okay if you didn’t..”

She looks at me in the eyes before she breathes out-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!  
> What do you think she did?  
> Who was it?  
> What do you want to happen next?  
> What was your favourite part?  
> Do you still love me even though I left you with a cliffhanger?
> 
> Also, SEND ME REQUESTS PLEASEEEEE otherwise no new chapter Mwahaha. (Yes, I’m being serious. This is a new rule. I need one request in exchange for one chapter. It can even be a Drabble request. Or you can send me an Angsty quote and a character and I can base it off that. Of course I’ll need some details but something as simple as “readers really struggling with _____and looks to Sam for comfort?” Easy as that.)


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